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View Full Version : My mum is mad at me... caught me masturbating



BuffaloJayhawk
01-14-2007, 02:41 PM
Oh god this sucks! There aint nothing wrong with it cos its natural and even monkeys do it. I am a man and I dont get embarased by my sexuality to no one! But I don't know who to talk to cos my friends will take the **** so bad but I dont know how to go on like this!

Normally I will do it quietly in my room or the bath but my mum was out at bingo tonight and the house was free so I decided to have a bit more fun. I got a audio tape of women sex noises I recorded from tv pornos and I got this lifesize poster of some fit naked bird I keep in a secret hiding place and I got it out and laid it on the bed. I took my trousers and pants off and folded a pillow in half and started bumming it. Im sure the guys out there have done it and know what Im talkin about! (dont lie!) It takes ages and it knackers you out but it is worth it and good exercise! and also When I look at the poster and hear the noises it makes me think I am doing it for real!

I was bumming away like a maniac and the sex noises are playin and I am making noises myself so I can't hear nothing. I look around around and I see my mum is standing in my doorway!

She ran off and slammed my door and I got dressed. I turn off the tape and put the poster away then sit on my bed thinking what I can say. I go downstairs and my mum says not to talk to her and calls me a little pervert. I tell her I was exercising and got so hot I had to take my trousers off but she says not to talk to her for the rest of the night.

I woke up today and my mum wont even look at me. She is trying to act like nothing happened but she is avoiding me and wont even cook my dinner for me! She always does but today she says I am a grown up now and I have to do it myself.

The worst part is my aunty Ruth came round earlier and I hear her and my mum laughing loud for ages! I didnt hear what they were saying but I reckon it was about me!

I am really mad and I think my mum wont ever be the same with me again. I want to run away cos I cant handle it any more. I am trying hard to think of what to say but I cant think of anything.

SABURZFAN
01-14-2007, 03:19 PM
:lolpoint:
Oh god this sucks! There aint nothing wrong with it cos its natural and even monkeys do it. I am a man and I dont get embarased by my sexuality to no one! But I don't know who to talk to cos my friends will take the **** so bad but I dont know how to go on like this!

Normally I will do it quietly in my room or the bath but my mum was out at bingo tonight and the house was free so I decided to have a bit more fun. I got a audio tape of women sex noises I recorded from tv pornos and I got this lifesize poster of some fit naked bird I keep in a secret hiding place and I got it out and laid it on the bed. I took my trousers and pants off and folded a pillow in half and started bumming it. Im sure the guys out there have done it and know what Im talkin about! (dont lie!) It takes ages and it knackers you out but it is worth it and good exercise! and also When I look at the poster and hear the noises it makes me think I am doing it for real!

I was bumming away like a maniac and the sex noises are playin and I am making noises myself so I can't hear nothing. I look around around and I see my mum is standing in my doorway!

She ran off and slammed my door and I got dressed. I turn off the tape and put the poster away then sit on my bed thinking what I can say. I go downstairs and my mum says not to talk to her and calls me a little pervert. I tell her I was exercising and got so hot I had to take my trousers off but she says not to talk to her for the rest of the night.

I woke up today and my mum wont even look at me. She is trying to act like nothing happened but she is avoiding me and wont even cook my dinner for me! She always does but today she says I am a grown up now and I have to do it myself.

The worst part is my aunty Ruth came round earlier and I hear her and my mum laughing loud for ages! I didnt hear what they were saying but I reckon it was about me!

I am really mad and I think my mum wont ever be the same with me again. I want to run away cos I cant handle it any more. I am trying hard to think of what to say but I cant think of anything.

Devin
01-14-2007, 03:20 PM
:ill:

EricStratton
01-14-2007, 03:21 PM
I think the fact that the life size picture was of her is what has her pissed off.

SABURZFAN
01-14-2007, 03:23 PM
does she know that it was her dildo that you were using?

kinigirly
01-14-2007, 03:51 PM
oh honestly you never turn music up too loud. it needs to be loud enough to drown out what you're doing, but you still need to be able to hear when someone enters the house so you can pack up quick. amateur

honey
01-14-2007, 04:03 PM
You still live with your mother? :idunno:

Dozerdog
01-14-2007, 04:05 PM
You masterbate while taking a bath?


She's probably more upset finding out you're gay instead of the whacking off

SABURZFAN
01-14-2007, 04:56 PM
She's probably more upset finding out you're gay instead of the whacking off



:rofl:

The King
01-14-2007, 04:59 PM
I thought you lived in london with your girlfriend or something...

I would be pissed too if I were your mom jerking off in an city thats across the atlantic to an imaginary girl is frustrating for the whole family.

The last buffalo fan
01-14-2007, 05:37 PM
How old are you, Jay?

YardRat
01-14-2007, 06:16 PM
Is boffing a pillow considered masturbation or an actual fetish, like Sealy Posturepedic-phobia?

Michael82
01-14-2007, 06:42 PM
You masterbate while taking a bath?


She's probably more upset finding out you're gay instead of the whacking off
:lmao:

OpIv37
01-14-2007, 08:06 PM
ever think that maybe your mom isn't so upset about the masturbation, but about the bizarre pillow-****ing poster-and-sound-effect ritual that accompanied the masturbation?

Maybe if you were just stroking it in the bathroom or doing some left-handed internet surfing like a normal person, she wouldn't have reacted so poorly.

EricStratton
01-14-2007, 08:23 PM
You masterbate while taking a bath?





Let's revisit this question.


Does the idea of laying in and cleaning up with your own spunk put the idea of your mom finding you on the back burner.

Dozerdog
01-14-2007, 08:27 PM
The worst is getting all relaxed, having a few beers, sitting back in the recliner, and tossing one off to the internet.


Next thing you know, you're awaken in the middle of the night to the voice of your wife shreiking "Get your pants back on! WTF!!!!" :mad:

YardRat
01-14-2007, 08:27 PM
Let's revisit this question.


Does the idea of laying in and cleaning up with your own spunk put the idea of your mom finding you on the back burner.

Maybe you should hook the kid up with your heroin dealer, that way he wouldn't have to resort to ****ing a pillow.

EricStratton
01-14-2007, 08:49 PM
Maybe Aunt Ruth could help you out next time Jayhawk. Anythink is better then ****ing the furniture.

OpIv37
01-14-2007, 09:01 PM
I took my trousers and pants off and folded a pillow in half and started bumming it. Im sure the guys out there have done it and know what Im talkin about! (dont lie!)

oh, and one more thing- despite what you say, this is not normal behavior. Obviously, every guy pleasures himself in some form or another. But I can honestly say that I've never resorted to couch-bombing, pillows or other inanimate objects. That's just bizarre.

BTW I hope you don't sleep on that pillow after you're done "bumming it", especially if it's as big a workout as you say it is. Nothing's more sanitary than putting your face in an absorbent object soaked in your own spunk and nut butter!

Michael82
01-14-2007, 09:07 PM
oh, and one more thing- despite what you say, this is not normal behavior. Obviously, every guy pleasures himself in some form or another. But I can honestly say that I've never resorted to couch-bombing, pillows or other inanimate objects. That's just bizarre.

BTW I hope you don't sleep on that pillow after you're done "bumming it", especially if it's as big a workout as you say it is. Nothing's more sanitary than putting your face in an absorbent object soaked in your own spunk and nut butter!
:lmao:

Dr. Lecter
01-14-2007, 09:10 PM
This is some funny ****.

Gunzlingr
01-14-2007, 10:15 PM
When did Jayhawk turn british?

kinigirly
01-14-2007, 10:17 PM
can anyone try out this pillow intercourse to see if he's telling the truth? mikey?

EricStratton
01-14-2007, 10:17 PM
When did Jayhawk turn british?


His pillow sham likes the accent. It makes her (it) feel more sophisticated

clumping platelets
01-14-2007, 10:30 PM
This is some funny ****.


:goodpost:

clumping platelets
01-14-2007, 10:30 PM
can anyone try out this pillow intercourse to see if he's telling the truth? mikey?


:laughing:

EricStratton
01-14-2007, 10:32 PM
can anyone try out this pillow intercourse to see if he's telling the truth? mikey?


I'm sure if you folded it just right you could rub one out on a pillow to check the theory.

Just take plenty of pictures when you do.

SABURZFAN
01-14-2007, 11:53 PM
Let's revisit this question.


Does the idea of laying in and cleaning up with your own spunk put the idea of your mom finding you on the back burner.



:rofl:

LtFinFan66
01-14-2007, 11:54 PM
This thread is disturbing :eek:

SABURZFAN
01-14-2007, 11:55 PM
Maybe you should hook the kid up with your heroin dealer, that way he wouldn't have to resort to ****ing a pillow.


have that heroine dealer hook up Blohawk with somebody that'll have him biting the pillow instead.

SquishDaFish
01-15-2007, 05:18 AM
:roflmao:

YardRat
01-15-2007, 05:42 AM
can anyone try out this pillow intercourse to see if he's telling the truth? mikey?

I bet you could talk a 'tard into trying it.

Dr. Lecter
01-15-2007, 06:52 AM
You volunteering?

Night Train
01-15-2007, 07:08 AM
1990 called.

They want their Seinfeld episode back.

RockStar36
01-15-2007, 07:25 AM
can anyone try out this pillow intercourse to see if he's telling the truth? mikey?

The pillow works for women.

mybills
01-15-2007, 07:26 AM
Thanks for the sig quote! :up:

btw, since nobody gave you advice...the only thing you can do is be on your best behavior. Your mom will get over it, eventually.

Dude
01-15-2007, 07:26 AM
Ultra Chimp? Is that you?

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?referrerid=112033&t=945498

Bill Brasky
01-15-2007, 09:46 AM
I tell her I was exercising and got so hot I had to take my trousers off

:rofl:

BAM
01-15-2007, 11:38 AM
Your mum's not the only one that saw you masturbating.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/56321

Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!

And it hasn't been just once either! Oh, no! Santa's seen you at least twice splashing away in the bathtub, three times in the attic with one of your mother's old art-history books, and more times than even he can count spread out like a stunned partridge on that beanbag chair of yours!

HAMMER
01-15-2007, 11:48 AM
This is an instant HOF thread, I thought someone hacked JHawk's account, but no.

ublinkwescore
01-15-2007, 12:42 PM
this thread is quite creepy to me for some reason.

JJamezz
01-15-2007, 03:33 PM
This thread made my f'n day!

THATHURMANATOR
01-15-2007, 03:36 PM
What is this thing all about? This obviously isn't the same Jayhawk that used to be here.

THATHURMANATOR
01-15-2007, 03:37 PM
Ub who is that in your Avatar? Super hot!!!

SABURZFAN
01-15-2007, 09:06 PM
What is this thing all about? This obviously isn't the same Jayhawk that used to be here.



sure it is.


i just wonder how many of his "mums" Playgirl's collection he went through before he got caught.if it was only half,you know he'll be back to check out the other half and Mum will catch him again.

SABURZFAN
01-15-2007, 09:08 PM
Ub who is that in your Avatar? Super hot!!!


ublink will be the next to be caught by his Mom because he does the same thing after every post since putting that avatar up.

camelcowboy
01-15-2007, 09:30 PM
your mom won't forget about it, believe me

mybills
01-15-2007, 09:36 PM
your mom won't forget about it, believe me
:rofl: I was waiting for you to show up!

camelcowboy
01-15-2007, 09:43 PM
:rofl: I was waiting for you to show up!

:ill: yeah, hoping to forget that chapter of my life

SabreEleven
01-15-2007, 10:00 PM
:ill: yeah, hoping to forget that chapter of my life

At least your episode included TWO pulses.

Jayhawk
01-31-2007, 05:52 PM
Oh god this sucks! There aint nothing wrong with it cos its natural and even monkeys do it. I am a man and I dont get embarased by my sexuality to no one! But I don't know who to talk to cos my friends will take the **** so bad but I dont know how to go on like this!

Normally I will do it quietly in my room or the bath but my mum was out at bingo tonight and the house was free so I decided to have a bit more fun. I got a audio tape of women sex noises I recorded from tv pornos and I got this lifesize poster of some fit naked bird I keep in a secret hiding place and I got it out and laid it on the bed. I took my trousers and pants off and folded a pillow in half and started bumming it. Im sure the guys out there have done it and know what Im talkin about! (dont lie!) It takes ages and it knackers you out but it is worth it and good exercise! and also When I look at the poster and hear the noises it makes me think I am doing it for real!

I was bumming away like a maniac and the sex noises are playin and I am making noises myself so I can't hear nothing. I look around around and I see my mum is standing in my doorway!

She ran off and slammed my door and I got dressed. I turn off the tape and put the poster away then sit on my bed thinking what I can say. I go downstairs and my mum says not to talk to her and calls me a little pervert. I tell her I was exercising and got so hot I had to take my trousers off but she says not to talk to her for the rest of the night.

I woke up today and my mum wont even look at me. She is trying to act like nothing happened but she is avoiding me and wont even cook my dinner for me! She always does but today she says I am a grown up now and I have to do it myself.

The worst part is my aunty Ruth came round earlier and I hear her and my mum laughing loud for ages! I didnt hear what they were saying but I reckon it was about me!

I am really mad and I think my mum wont ever be the same with me again. I want to run away cos I cant handle it any more. I am trying hard to think of what to say but I cant think of anything.not funny SAB

Jayhawk
01-31-2007, 05:52 PM
What is this thing all about? This obviously isn't the same Jayhawk that used to be here.it weren't me.

TheGhostofJimKelly
01-31-2007, 07:38 PM
It could have been worse, you could have caught your mother masterbating.

kgun12
02-01-2007, 03:00 AM
This is an instant HOF thread, I thought someone hacked JHawk's account, but no.

I was thinking the same thing while reading and laughing my ass off!

The reason she is made was cause you weren't maturbating you were screwing a pillow!

Seriuosly you should have come out of your room yelling you were right I blind, faked falling down the stairs still yelling I can't she I'm blind. That would have shown her!

RedEyE
02-01-2007, 08:40 PM
:rofl:

Maybe she was pissed because it was her pillow you were shagging?

SABURZFAN
02-01-2007, 08:53 PM
not funny SAB


i thought it was.did you get caught again?

BuffaloJayhawk
07-28-2008, 12:36 PM
I'm not gay!!!

lordofgun
07-28-2008, 02:23 PM
The same thing happened to Mikey except with the Shout song, a Jim Kelly poster, and his Wegmans apron.

PECKERWOOD
07-28-2008, 02:32 PM
You people are just finding out about the pillow trick now? :ontome:

LtBillsFan66
07-28-2008, 02:32 PM
The same thing happened to Mikey except with the Shout song, a Jim Kelly poster, and his Wegmans apron.
:laughing:

Oaf
07-28-2008, 06:58 PM
You guys are jerkoffs. :mad:

I feel for you BuffaloJayhawk. Maybe you should stop? :question:

Confused
07-28-2008, 07:05 PM
:baghead: who can stop?

SquishDaFish
07-28-2008, 07:05 PM
:roflmao:

SABURZFAN
07-28-2008, 11:52 PM
The worst is getting all relaxed, having a few beers, sitting back in the recliner, and tossing one off to the internet.


Next thing you know, you're awaken in the middle of the night to the voice of your wife shreiking "Get your pants back on! WTF!!!!" :mad:


i wish i could see the look on Valerie's face when this happens. :snicker:

Dont drink the water
07-28-2008, 11:55 PM
I am really mad and I think my mum wont ever be the same with me again. I want to run away cos I cant handle it any more. I am trying hard to think of what to say but I cant think of anything.

Ask her to do it for you.

rbochan
07-29-2008, 07:01 AM
Ask her to do it for you.

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Bling
05-10-2010, 08:42 PM
Guy is a riot.

Mr. Miyagi
05-10-2010, 09:06 PM
Why is this thread not in the HOF already?

jamze132
05-11-2010, 06:41 AM
Is this the same doucher that came on here last week saying he has been away for a while because he beat down some cops?

Mike13
05-11-2010, 10:16 PM
I always took him for a sheep-****er



When I look at the poster and hear the noises it makes me think I am doing it for real!


Then do it for real(consenually, even though it is probably hard for you to get a willing partner)

Ingtar33
05-11-2010, 11:24 PM
omg.. this thread had me laughing so hard... brilliant.

slakjaw157
05-12-2010, 06:36 AM
Sounds too much like something that would happen in an American Pie movie. All that's missing is the superglue.

Forward_Lateral
05-12-2010, 07:21 AM
:rofl:

Valerie
05-12-2010, 09:47 AM
The worst is getting all relaxed, having a few beers, sitting back in the recliner, and tossing one off to the internet.


Next thing you know, you're awaken in the middle of the night to the voice of your wife shreiking "Get your pants back on! WTF!!!!" :mad:


i wish i could see the look on Valerie's face when this happens. :snicker:
I never read this thread before today. What a classy guy I married. Rest assured, if I ever catch Dozer "tossing one off to the internet" he'll be sleeping outside the rest of his life and the only action he will ever see will be the internet and his hand!

BuffaloJayhawk
05-12-2010, 09:49 AM
I never read this thread before today. What a classy guy I married. Rest assured, if I ever catch Dozer "tossing one off to the internet" he'll be sleeping outside the rest of his life and the only action he will ever see will be the internet and his hand!

Why did u bump this thread valerie? its embarrasing! i get girls now i swear!

Valerie
05-12-2010, 09:52 AM
Why did u bump this thread valerie? its embarrasing! i get girls now i swear!
I didn't bump it, someone else did.

Dozerdog
05-22-2010, 08:32 AM
Put this in the HoF already!

I was maried to wife #1 when this one started BTW

The last buffalo fan
05-22-2010, 09:21 AM
Put this in the HoF already!

I was maried to wife #1 when this one started BTW

pussy.......................is great! :up:

Novacane
05-22-2010, 09:23 AM
Why did u bump this thread valerie? its embarrasing! i get girls now i swear!


Moved on from pillows to blowup dolls?

Ground Chuck
05-22-2010, 11:14 AM
Just get some shake weights.

SquishDaFish
05-22-2010, 11:17 AM
:lol: This thread is classic. Instant HOF

Dozerdog
05-22-2010, 07:57 PM
:lol: This thread is classic. Instant HOFInstant? It's 3 $&$@ing years old!!

SquishDaFish
05-22-2010, 08:19 PM
Ok should of been instant HOF sorry LOL

Thats what I meant to say and should of said :lol: