User Manuel
04-18-2007, 02:26 PM
To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden '07
Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington
Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I'll continue. I am writing
in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in
Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is f##king bull**** and you
should kiss my mother-f##king ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the
Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a
Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his
overall rating was sniffing 80.
You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a f##king 12. I
rate you a f##king 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever... except for
in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98
rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your
blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-d##k. Go do Al
Micheals or something. Boom.
It's also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it
sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly **** and piss myself,
then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a
rock for breakfast. f##k, John, I understand you saying that I am slow
and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as
******ed. Rod "He Hate Me" Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic
Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing
embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words
in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The
only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this
embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe
your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of **** teeth. If I take
a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?
I guess I just can't fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player
rated out of the entire NFL. f##k, man, there are some ****ty guys out
there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.
I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the
agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where
I don't crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding
success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I
just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a
40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a
white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he'd look just like
Jabba the Hut.
John, you are such a f##king d##k. I also noticed that my kick return
rating was a 0. I was rated a f##king zero? So you feel that I shouldn't
even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I
couldn't even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would
just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my f##king face. f##k
that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have
just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball
guns.
Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage
ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage(31) than zone
(21). f##k me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come
from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of
offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let's see here, I think that
Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes
than Larry Allen. While I'm at it, I can assign the passing ratings for
offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.
I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace
has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time
into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both
throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible
passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The
poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large
freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my
senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the
pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in
sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife
kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is
far better than the other ratings, but I'm a f##king lineman, damn it.
NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to
your game, I am a ******ed, uncoordinated, pussy-ass f##kwad that can't
fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at
manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your
mind more and more each year, old man.
f##k you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you
consume for the rest of your life. If you f##k with Ethan Albright, you
call down the thunder.
Rot in Hell,
Ethan Albright
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden '07
Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington
Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I'll continue. I am writing
in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in
Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is f##king bull**** and you
should kiss my mother-f##king ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the
Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a
Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his
overall rating was sniffing 80.
You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a f##king 12. I
rate you a f##king 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever... except for
in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98
rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your
blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-d##k. Go do Al
Micheals or something. Boom.
It's also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it
sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly **** and piss myself,
then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a
rock for breakfast. f##k, John, I understand you saying that I am slow
and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as
******ed. Rod "He Hate Me" Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic
Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing
embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words
in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The
only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this
embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe
your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of **** teeth. If I take
a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?
I guess I just can't fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player
rated out of the entire NFL. f##k, man, there are some ****ty guys out
there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.
I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the
agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where
I don't crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding
success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I
just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a
40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a
white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he'd look just like
Jabba the Hut.
John, you are such a f##king d##k. I also noticed that my kick return
rating was a 0. I was rated a f##king zero? So you feel that I shouldn't
even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I
couldn't even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would
just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my f##king face. f##k
that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have
just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball
guns.
Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage
ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage(31) than zone
(21). f##k me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come
from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of
offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let's see here, I think that
Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes
than Larry Allen. While I'm at it, I can assign the passing ratings for
offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.
I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace
has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time
into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both
throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible
passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The
poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large
freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my
senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the
pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in
sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife
kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is
far better than the other ratings, but I'm a f##king lineman, damn it.
NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to
your game, I am a ******ed, uncoordinated, pussy-ass f##kwad that can't
fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at
manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your
mind more and more each year, old man.
f##k you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you
consume for the rest of your life. If you f##k with Ethan Albright, you
call down the thunder.
Rot in Hell,
Ethan Albright