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Our "league sources" say they have a mole planted within what they suspect is New England's department of espionage and skullduggery. This is a person reported to have direct knowledge of what is being planned by New England in upcoming contests before they lose to the Colts in a January game that actually means something.
• At Buffalo in two weeks, a strategically placed alarm clock will sound occasionally, waking Dick Jauron so he actually has to coach the Bills instead of leaving them on automatic coach.
• Eagles in Foxboro, Mass., Nov. 25. Free striped prison uniforms for the first 8,000 fans sitting behind the Eagles' bench (provided they're worn immediately). All fans get handouts of Rush Limbaugh's mug shot on a stick to wave when the Eagles have the ball.
• At Baltimore, Dec. 3. Small speakers near the Ravens' sidelines sound police sirens whenever Ray Lewis takes the Ravens' defense onto the field.
• Dec. 9 at home against Pittsburgh. The Patriots' defense which Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger sees when he looks across the line will all be wearing motorcycle helmets rather than football helmets. Stadium speakers will blast a motorcycle revving all game.
• Jets at New England, Dec. 16. Videotape isn't necessary this time at home. Instead, they'll go live with their sideline camera, showing Jets defensive coaches' signals on their replay board, and will announce the Jets' defensive call over the PA system, while also displaying it on message boards to assist the hearing impaired. How thoughtful.
• Dolphins at New England, Dec. 23. Nothing special necessary because the Dolphins stink. Don Shula this week said there needs to be an asterisk next to the Patriots' record if they go unbeaten, as he continues to look out for the 1972 perfect Dolphin legacy -- and own ego. Simply to get back at Shula, the entire Patriots team will do the old "dine and dash" at their local Shula's steakhouse on the night before this game.
• At Giants, Dec. 29, a meaningless game to the Patriots, as everything will have been wrapped up long ago. No sense wasting an opportunity, though. The Pats will name Tiki Barber their honorary captain for the game and fix it so he does sideline reporting in order to have him around Eli Manning as much as possible.
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