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The Spaz
04-03-2003, 09:05 PM
Begins with a gaudily produced lead-in that contains snappy, important-sounding music, action highlights of the top prospects and Chris Berman inviting us to "Watch the future of the NFL realize their football dreams on draft day, blah, blah, blah. A dizzying overhead shot of the entire panel seated in their usual draft-day spots. Zoom In on Berman, who is wearing an incredibly loud tie and an even more curious hair-do than he was the last time you saw him.)
CHRIS- Good morning everybody and Welcome to the 23rd year of ESPN's coverage of the NFL Player selection meeting. Surrounding me are our usual cast of characters. To my left is the Ed McMahon to my Johnny Carson, our own Tom Jackson.....
TOM- Hahahahahhaha, Chris.....Louisville...hahahaha....
CHRIS- Yeah Tom. Of course, we have our resident draft-guru, as we do every year. Mel Kiper. Nice hair, Mel.....
MEL-(already nodding his head to the affirmative) Thanks Chris. Great to be here, as always. Speaking of hair, how many voles had to die to make that rug you're wearing?
CHRIS- Easy, big guy. Theismann stayed home this year.
TOM- Bahahahahaha!!!!
CHRIS- Also joining us once again, is the Coach...Jimmy Johnson. Morning Coach. Nice.....
JIMMY- 'Morning everybody. It's great to be here again.(out of the side of his mouth) make one comment about MY hair Berman and I'll rip you heart out......
CHRIS- Well put, Coach. And joining us this year from our GameDay crew, is future Hall of Fame QB Steve Young.
STEVE- (rubbing his eyes and wearing his hair in such a way that it looks like a cat gave him a bath) What the hell time is it, anyhow. Geez......
CHRIS- Well..it's mighty early folks. Put on a big pot of coffee. We'll be here all day. Ohhh..wait! Here comes the commissioner to the podium to get things started. Let's listen to Tag'.
TAGLIABUE- (in his usual Wally Cox-sounding voice) Good morning everybody and welcome to the Umpteenth Annual player selection meeting, that we refuse to call the draft so that is sounds better than the meat-market that it really is. Before we get started, I'd like to say that if any of the yahoos over at that desk calls me "Tag" again, I'm stopping this thing right on the spot. I'm commissioner of the most powerful sports league in the country and have had more women than any of you. Therefore, address me as Commissioner, Mr. or "Da commish"...I do like that. The Bengals are on the clock.....
CHRIS- Hmmmm...some interesting comments from the Commissioner. Mel, your take?
MEL- Well Chris, Tagliabue is a stud of a commissioner. He has a really big upside and probably has had more women than any of us...I'd say in the 140 to 150 range.
JIMMY- I think that's a bit over-rated Mel. He's certainly not the stud-muffin Rozelle was.
CHRIS- Ok, ok...a little controversary right off the bat. Alright then...well...the Bengals are on the clock. Mel, do they pull the trigger on the Palmer pick or trade out?
MEL- Chris, what we have to look at here is need over value. If you value a QB as the #1 overall pick, then by all means, you should pick him. It's certainly a need for the Bengals, but so are a lot of other positions. They could go Charles Rogers. That pick would certainly make sense. Then again, you have to question the value of it. There's an upside there. He's a rangey player...bit of a tweener though. And then there's Jimmy Kennedy. He's a stud at DT...gets a big upfield push. Collapses the pocket well.....He's a load. Then again, they could trade out. Who do you trade with? What do you get in return that's going to provide the value that a franchise-type quarterback would or a DT or a Terrence Newman or anybody else for that matter.
STEVE- What the hell is he talking about? Did anyone understand any of that? A load???
JIMMY- Just let it go, Steve.

(WHAT SEEMS TO BE ABOUT 45 MINUTES LATER)

CHRIS- Ok, well here comes the card up for the Bengals. I say Palmer.
MEL- Kennedy.
JIMMY- Suggs.
STEVE- Who gives a crap?
TOM- Hahahahaha....Louisville!
TAGLIABUE- We have a trade. The Bengals trade the #1 overall pick, to Carolina for Carolina's 1st round pick, the #9 pick overall, Carolina's 2nd round round pick, the #45 pick overall, Carolina's 5th round pick, the #140 pick overall and a six-pack of Molson Gold. Carolina is now on the clock....
CHRIS- Wow!! Well...we have a big trade already. Could the Panthers be looking at Palmer. Mel??
MEL- Well Chris, I question the whole trade. It's a questionable move by the Bengals. If your going to make that trade, you have to at least get Molson Ice. I would have thought Amstel maybe, but I have to question the value of Molson Gold. The Bengals have no idea of what the draft is all about, nor do they know a quality pilsner from an inferior brew!?
JIMMY- I like the trade...and I like Molson. A couple of those at the hotel lounge last night and I was back at Arkansas hazing Jerry Jones.
TOM- Dinkel-Ackker....hahahahahaha!!
CHRIS- Settle down, Tommy. Well...let's go over to Chris Mortenson who we've isolated in a glass booth because, quite frankly, he frightens us. Mort, any rumors or heresay you'd like to spread about what the Panthers might be up to here?
MORT-(looking lonely and pathetic in a glass booth)- Well Chris, I've gotten several calls here but they've all been wrong numbers. However, a guy I know who used to live in Charlotte has informed me that the Panthers have their sites set on Carson Palmer. We'll just have to wait and see, Chris.
CHRIS- Fascinating, Mort.

(APPROXIMATELY 3 AND A HALF HOURS LATER)

CHRIS- Well...the Bears are on the clock at #4. Palmer's off the board, what the do Da Bears do here? Mel??
MEL-(still shaking his head, but now in the negative) I can't believe the Bengals made that trade!
STEVE- Cripes, that was 4 picks ago....let it go, already!
JIMMY- I gotta hit the head...I'll be back in an hour or when the card for this pick comes up. Whichever comes first.
TOM- Dooody....hahahahahaha!
CHRIS- Steady, Tommy.

(WHAT SEEMS LIKE 9 HOURS LATER)

CHRIS- Well gentlemen, we've completed one full round of this draft. Any surprises so far?
STEVE- Yeah...I'm surprised I'm still here.
MEL- Well, I'm a little surprised that Mike Doss has dropped into the 2nd round. I had him projected as a late first round choice. He's a big-hitting safety with Rhonde Barber-type ability.
CHRIS- Funny you should mention that, Mel. Right now, we have our Andrea Kremer standing by at the home of Mike Doss who is following the action of the first round. Andrea?
ANDREA- Thanks Boomer. I'm here with former Ohio State safety, Mike Doss. Mike, many projected you as a mid-to-late 1st round choice. You've seen your stock fall into the 2nd round. How are you feeling about now, Mike.
MIKE DOSS- What the hell kind of stupid question is that??!! How do you think I'm feeling about now?? I've just lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in contract money!! How would you be feelin'?? I'm freakin' pissed!!!
ANDREA- So there you have it, Boomer. Doss is pissed. Who knew??
CHRIS- Hmmm...interesting. Excellent reporting there, Andrea.
JIMMY- Ok, I'm back from the bathroom. There was a line so I flew home to Miami and used my own. Did I miss anything??
STEVE- Not hardly.
TOM- "They call him Flipper, Flipper...faster than lightning"...Hahahahaha (tips over backwards on his chair).
CHRIS- Ok...moving on........

(WHAT SEEMS LIKE ANOTHER 8 HOURS LATER)

CHRIS- Alright...we're mid-way through the 2nd round and here comes the card up for the Browns. Let's listen....
STEVE- What else would we be doing?
MEL- Shhhhhhhh.....
TAGLIABUE- With the 52nd pick, the Cleveland Browns select......(dramatic pause)..Sammy Davis, cornerback Texas A&M.. The Jets are on the clock.
CHRIS- (contorting face in an effort to do what turns out to be a really bad Sammy Davis Jr. impersonation) So....it's Sammy Davis, baby.
STEVE- Who the hell is that supposed to be?
CHRIS- You know...Sammy Davis...you cats dig??
JIMMY- Oh....I get it. Guess what, Chris. This is my Sinatra impression, so why don't you go somewhere and round me up a drink and a couple of broads. JFK's coming over for dinner.
TOM- And I'll be Peter Lawford "You despise me..don't you Reeek?" hahahahaha
STEVE- That was Peter Lorre, you moron.
CHRIS- For more on Sammy Davis, let's go over to Suzie Colver, Merrill Hoge and Jaws back at the studio......
SUZIE- Thanks Boomer. Well guys, it doesn't really seem to matter how much time I put in with this company. I still seem to be stuck with you two dolts. What about Sammy Davis?
MERRILL- Well Suzie...when we look at the film, we see a player that is the comsumate cover corner. I'm not really all that bright, so I like to throw in a word like comsumate every now and again so that somebody takes me seriously.
JAWS- Exactamundo, my friend!!!!!
MERRILL- What are you? Fonzie?
JAWS- Here, as we look at the film, we see Davis covering Antwone Savage of Oklahoma.. Notice how Davis JAMS Savage at the line of scrimmage. THAT throws Savage off his route. Then, Davis has the speed to stick with Savage EVERY step of the way. THAT is effective man coverage.
MERRILL- You're spitting on me.
SUZIE- There you have it. Back to you Chris.
CHRIS- Wow. Some great analysis from the gang back in the studio and we thank you for that.

(YET ANOTHER 4 HOURS LATER)

CHRIS- Ok...as we speed our way through the third round, let's check out the action in the Detroit Lions War room. We're a multi-million dollar operation that could easily afford to put a full-fledged camera in every NFL city, but instead we chose to give you a crappy, jerky and grainy digital feed from Detroit because it's cool and makes us look like we're on the cutting edge....Hey Coach Mariucci. How is your first draft as head coach of the Lions shaping up?
MARIUCCI- (rolling his eyes) Hey Boomer. Well...we were happy to get Charles Rogers in Round 1. We think he'll fit our system here well and he's a great player.
MEL- Hi Coach...Mel Kiper here. I just want to go on the record that I correctly projected Rogers to you in Round 1......
MARIUCCI- Mel, everyone in the country projected us picking Rogers in Round 1. People in Swaziland knew we were picking Rogers. Unborn fetuses knew about it. Way to nail that one, Mel.
CHRIS- Alright Mooch...well, thanks for your time and good luck with the rest of the draft.
MARIUCCI- Berman...what the Commish said about calling him "Tag"....ditto for me on Mooch...capesh??
CHRIS- Alright...the ever-affable Steve Mariucci and what a great job he'll do with the Lions.
STEVE- Seems to me there's some reason I shouldn't like that guy. If I could just remember.....dang, my memory seems to be fading....uhhhhh...errrr....lately.
JIMMY- Should have kept your chin-strap snapped, Puddin' head.....

(2 HOURS LATER)

CHRIS- Ok guys...well, we're wrapping up coverage of Day 1. Any thoughts?
STEVE- Yes Boomer. I'd like to get overtly eloquent here. The NFL Draft is 260-odd football players who are out to realize the dreams of their lifetime. Everyone of these players has been dreaming of this day their entire life. Many more of them will never realize this dream. None of them will realize my dreams as they will never be as great, set as many records or be idolized by as many as me. Most of them will suffer through frustrating, debilitating careers and....errrr....errrrr....errrrr (Jimmy reaches around and firmly whacks him on the side of the head) .....be happy for the opportunity to have played the game.
CHRIS- Well put, Steve. Any other thoughts??
MEL- Well Chris...I still have all day tomorrow to go yet, then I'll spend 45 minutes with my wife and get right into the 2004 draft.
CHRIS- That's great Mel....we'd be disappointed with anything less. Well folks, that wraps up our coverage. You can flip over to ESPN2 for the final 6 hours of the 3rd round......
JIMMY- Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......
TOM- Hahahahaha..."In the summer time, when the weather is high......"

DAY 2
(Zoom in on Draft Day set which has now been occupied by Mike Tirico, Mike Golic and Mel Kiper.)
MIKE T.- Good morning everybody and welcome to ESPN's coverage of Day 2 of the NFL draft. With me is our resident draft expert Mel Kiper....
MEL- Good morning, Mike. I haven't slept since December.
MIKE T.- Heheheh....super Mel. And also with us is NFL2night analyst, Mike Golic.
GOLIC- Hey Mike.....hehe....I'm hungry.
MIKE- Settle down....we just ate breakfast, big boy. Alright gentlemen....as we all know, the 2nd day of the draft can be the most decisive. What should we expect?
GOLIC- What's that your sitting on, Tirico?
MIKE- I'm not sitting on anything. A chair....ahhh...just a normal-sized chair.
GOLIC- That's a booster seat. That's a child's booster seat from the Denny's we ate breakfast at! No way!!
MIKE- It's not a booster seat and it's not from Denny's.
GOLIC- You liar! It's got the Denny's logo right on the side of it.
MIKE- Alright, alright....whatever!!!
MEL- I always did think you were a little under-sized......and angular.

(2 AND A HALF HOURS LATER)

MIKE- Ok, so the Bills select John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmitt, a DT out of Western Central Kentucky State with their 5th round pick. Mel, what do know about Jingleheimer-Schmitt.
MEL- His name is my name too??
MIKE- What??
MEL- Whenever we go out, the people always shout.....
MIKE- OK...alright...enough already....
GOLIC- (who has turned around in his chair in an apparent effort to "light his farts") Hey Big Hair, Pee-Wee.....watch this!!!
BRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Cut to test pattern)

( AN HOUR AND A HALF LATER)
(Mark Malone has now replaced Mike Tirico in the badly burned anchor chair)
MARK- Hello and welcome back to Day 2 of the NFL Draft. I'm filling in for my colleague, Mike Tirico who was eaten by my colleague Mike Golic midway through the 5th round.
MEL- Mark, I had projected that Golic would eat somebody during this draft, I just thought it would be more in the mid-6th round area
GOLIC- Buurrrpp!!!.
MARK- Well Mel, we still have a round and a half to go......but, I have some chick out in the lobby believing that I'm actually Tom Selleck, so I'm outa here. You're on your own, Guru-boy.
MEL- Wow.....really? Okay.....well....things are winding down, but if anyone is interested in an early look at the 2004 draft, just send $19.95 to Mel Kiper Enterprises, Box 305, Baltimore Maryland..............

(FADE TO BLACK....THEN BEGIN TO SCROLL THE 260+ LIST OF PICKS THAT YOU'LL SEE IN MONDAY MORNING'S SPORTS SECTION)
Okay...that was probably way too lengthy, but I thought it needed to be to get the full effect of our beloved NFL Draft. And naturally...it won't really go that way......or will it???

Go Bills!

The Spaz
04-03-2003, 09:41 PM
WTF noone thinks this is funny...lol:)! Go Bills!

The Spaz
04-03-2003, 10:53 PM
Lots of lookers and not a lot of posters! That ***** ain't right...lol:)! Go Bills!

Ingtar33
04-04-2003, 01:13 AM
Dude... just read this... I'm laughing so hard my sides are spliting... Good job... very good job.

Gunzlingr
04-04-2003, 08:21 AM
It took me 17 hours to read that. Very funny tho.

The Spaz
04-04-2003, 12:22 PM
ROFL...LOL I can't even stop laughing!:) Go Bills!

pmoon6
04-04-2003, 12:56 PM
Spaz,that was some funny stuff.I was in stitches.

BFBills
04-05-2003, 11:27 AM
John Jinglehimer *****t....lol...some funny *****

Ingtar33
04-05-2003, 11:51 AM
MERRILL- Well Suzie...when we look at the film, we see a player that is the comsumate cover corner. I'm not really all that bright, so I like to throw in a word like comsumate every now and again so that somebody takes me seriously.

ROFL!

Michael82
04-05-2003, 05:50 PM
MEL- Hi Coach...Mel Kiper here. I just want to go on the record that I correctly projected Rogers to you in Round 1......
MARIUCCI- Mel, everyone in the country projected us picking Rogers in Round 1. People in Swaziland knew we were picking Rogers. Unborn fetuses knew about it. Way to nail that one, Mel.

LMAO!!! That was freaking hilarious! I finally got done reading it and I am laughing so freaking hard! :lol: :lmao: :rofl:

:lol:

shelby
04-05-2003, 08:05 PM
:rofl:

:bf1: