AT&T: You make the call: Bills 2009 edition.

[trapezeus]

Do you remember those commercials in the 80's and 90's? They'd show a controversial play and then say you make the call. Then an AT&T commercial and then they'd give you the right answer?

Even if you don't, it doesn't matter. This thread is inspired by Mad Bomber.

We had chatted about how the humor threads on the Bills ineptness makes it a little bit more bareable.

The instructions
Write how the Bills get from right now to the end of the 2009 season based on what we know now. What unique gaffes will the bills pull here. I'll start

[The King]

Someone forgot the midget trainer in the gatorade cooler.

[Mudflap1]

Trent Edwards unfortuantely suffers a season-ending injury in minicamp.

[trapezeus]

My AT&T prediction for the 2009 Bills
Up Poop's Creek after a week of Free Agency, the bills front office will scramble to see if they can get into the NCAA division I rankings. Rumblings amongst Ralph and his merry group of Poser GM's and scouts like the idea.
Ralph: Hey, if we get a bowl game, which almost every team does, we'll make some serious cash.
Modrak: but....but boss. We aren't even fielding a college level team.
Brandon: Oh yeah! a marketing challenge. I can't wait to get people from out of state to come in as season ticket buyers.

The plan falls through as the Cowboys and Redskins have a financial team that calculates their franchise's loss in value if a team were to abandon the NFL. To lure Ralph and Co back, they offer one extra 1st round pick with the cost of the player's contract to be shared amongst the other 31 teams. Ralph doesn't think it's fair but allows it to go through.

Modrak, annoyed to have to do any meaningful work for the bills, trades it for 3 jellybeans to the PAtriots. The Patriots pick a bills fan for the sole purpose of reaching into the fans chest cavity and rip the beating heart out. Belichik will opine whether that act feels as satisfying as the second matchup of the season when the pats blow out the bills. He'll conclude that literallyripping the heart out of a bills fan was better than figuratively doing so. He announces his retirement; Bills still lose both games to the Patriots in 2009.

The Bills draft will be to take another back up QB(1a), another runningback(1b), two punters(2 and 3), a gunner (4) and someone to man the Billy Buffalo costume (5th round pick). TThe remaining pick will be traded to fund Ralph's lotto ticket run.

The running back selection will be cut during Training camp and one of the Punters will be the punting equivalent of Marshawn lynch. "Watch out fat ladies of buffalo!"

Training camp will start with only 1 two a days. Jauron agrees that his past teams were too soft, but tries to combat it with even lighter workouts. Nap time, share your feelings hour, and cavier and hor'doevers every day until the preseason are added. Bills veterans complain that the lockerroom sucks without Robert Royal.

Preseason will have all our starters playing an unusual amount of time. Fans will scream, "someone is going to get injured. Pull them!" Jauron will scream back, "i'm waiting for them to get injured in the regular season!"

Bills will go 0-2. The SWAT team will be called in to stop people from torching the ralph. The government's crap team task force will kick jauron out and replace him with Brandon just to keep the city of buffalo from consuming itself. "WHAT A MARKETING OPPORTUNITY! I CAN REBRAND MYSELF AS A COACH!"

Brandon will try to figure a way to get players to commute in off of amtrack from albany. Sadly the only large, not on time thing on the Bills remains John McCargo. McCargo will be given a red stapler, ala, office space style. Not surprisingly, he'll be the reason the stadium is burned down at the end of the season. Not one player or coach thinks to take his red stapler and put it on the opposing QB's to generate some serious passion from the guy.

Season ends when Bobby April replaces Brandon and wins the last two games of the season to end 3-13. Bills fans will clamor, "April should have been the coach for 3 years. Ralph agrees, we need talent. Why didn't anyone tell me about that?

[Mad Bomber]

The Bills had an unorthodox Free Agency strategy, foregoing name players in favor of members of a Buffalo Bills message board.

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Position<o:p></o:p>
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Name<o:p></o:p>
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Height<o:p></o:p>
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Weight<o:p></o:p>
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40 yd dash<o:p></o:p>
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Comments<o:p></o:p>
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DE<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 76.3pt;" valign="top" width="102"> Trapezeus<o:p></o:p>
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5-8<o:p></o:p>
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150<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 57.4pt;" valign="top" width="77"> 8.24<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 140.6pt;" valign="top" width="187"> High motor guy with the desired size.<o:p></o:p>
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DT/LT<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 76.3pt;" valign="top" width="102"> OpIv37<o:p></o:p>
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5-10<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 44.45pt;" valign="top" width="59">

200<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 57.4pt;" valign="top" width="77"> 9.1<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 140.6pt;" valign="top" width="187"> A versatile player, Op has the ability to go both ways, on and off the field.<o:p></o:p>
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WR<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 76.3pt;" valign="top" width="102"> Mad Bomber<o:p></o:p>
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5-11<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 44.45pt;" valign="top" width="59">

175<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 57.4pt;" valign="top" width="77"> 10.15<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 140.6pt;" valign="top" width="187"> This 53 year old can provide the veteran leadership needed for our young WRs. Lacks breakaway speed.<o:p></o:p>
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WR<o:p></o:p>
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5-8<o:p></o:p>
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140<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 57.4pt;" valign="top" width="77"> 8.95<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 140.6pt;" valign="top" width="187"> The perfect combination of size and speed for the Bills.<o:p></o:p>
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C<o:p></o:p>
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Unknown<o:p></o:p>
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160<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 57.4pt;" valign="top" width="77"> Did not finish<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 140.6pt;" valign="top" width="187"> With a back permanently bent at a 45 degree angle due to a hiatal hernia, he has the perfect posture for a center.<o:p></o:p>
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TE<o:p></o:p>
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5-2<o:p></o:p>
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105<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 57.4pt;" valign="top" width="77"> 8.03<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 140.6pt;" valign="top" width="187"> A very tight end, who has the possibility of doubling as a wide receiver.<o:p></o:p>
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OLB<o:p></o:p>
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6’4<o:p></o:p>
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215<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 57.4pt;" valign="top" width="77"> 12.01<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 140.6pt;" valign="top" width="187"> A big backer with the speed we’re looking for in the Cover 2.<o:p></o:p>
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P/K<o:p></o:p>
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5’10<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 44.45pt;" valign="top" width="59">

210<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 57.4pt;" valign="top" width="77"> Who cares? He only needs to be able to take two steps at a time.<o:p></o:p>
</td> <td style="border-style: none solid solid none; border-color: -moz-use-text-color windowtext windowtext -moz-use-text-color; border-width: medium 1pt 1pt medium; padding: 0in 5.4pt; width: 140.6pt;" valign="top" width="187"> The Bills chose him because of his preference for a single-bar facemask.<o:p></o:p>
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TE Dujek (6-4, 215, 6.0 40 time) was brought in but not made an offer once the FO found that he could catch the ball and hold onto it after contract.