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With regard to the draft, this time of year everyone has a mock draft. But only Tuesday Morning Quarterback actually mocks the draft: Now, my annual mock of mock drafts.
AP Photo"Put the team on a raft and let them drift down the Mississippi till they're too far away for us to have to watch," Twain advised Rams' management.
1. St. Louis Rams: Mark Twain, humorist. With Les Mouflons on a 6-42 streak, perhaps Missouri's most famous son could convert the team into a satire.
2. Detroit Lions: Alan Mulally, CEO, Ford Motors. Unlike Chrysler and General Motors, Ford took no bailout money. The company decided on its own several years ago to emphasize manufacturing quality and fuel efficiency, with the result that Ford was positioned for success without federal subsidies. That's the can-do attitude the Lions need. Downside: Mulally will demand a $17.9 million signing bonus (his actual compensation for 2009).
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Derrick Brooks, Warrick Dunn and Warren Sapp, throwbacks. Of the NFL's three worst teams, two, the Bucs and Rams, are also relatively recent Super Bowl victors. This must mean something. If only I knew what.
4. Washington Redskins: Paul Bunyan, logger. Six years ago, TMQ christened Redskins owner Chainsaw Dan after he hired a crew to clear-cut 130 mature trees that blocked his mansion's view of the Potomac River. The trees were not on Snyder's property, rather, on a scenic easement administered by the National Park Service. Snyder paid a fine, and promised to replant -- obviously coming out ahead, since it would take saplings a decade or more to grow enough to block his view again.
Now the Gazette, Washington's excellent suburban newspaper, reports that six years later, Snyder has yet to plant the first tree. His excuse? The Environmental Impact Statement isn't finished. Obviously you need an Environmental Impact Statement to plant trees! What if they develop leaves, or birds perch in them? Obviously, the Environmental Impact Statement process was intended to crack down on the irresponsible planting of trees! The longer Snyder drags his feet on replanting, the longer he enjoys his ill-gotten view. Redskins note: If the Skins still make a play for Bradford, whose great-great-grandmother was Cherokee, will that be good or bad for the team name controversy?
5. Kansas City Chiefs: Plato, ancient philosopher. The Chiefs' season already seems doomed -- but then, 2,400 years ago, Plato said the world was about to fall apart. This recent Jim Fallows article shows that claims of American decline are not new -- they've been common since before Woodrow Wilson.
6. Seattle Seahawks: Glenn Beck, wing nut/comedian. Born in Everett, Wash., Beck could disconcert Hawks' opponents by calling them names. "Communist fascist God-hating satanic cannibal" is among the milder things Beck calls people.
7. Cleveland Browns: Ellen Gordon, president, Tootsie Roll. Why doesn't this company sponsor the Browns? A natural fit. TMQ loves that the firm is officially Tootsie Roll Industries.
8. Oakland Raiders: Chesley Sullenberger, retired airline pilot. No NFL team needs a steady hand on the yoke more than the Raiders, and Sullenberger was born in California. Already high in the public's admiration, Sullenberger rose higher in TMQ's admiration when he had the ghostwriter's name put on the cover of "Highest Duty," his book about the Hudson River landing. Sullenberger was honest about himself, rather than masquerading as an author, as do so many public-figure phonies.
9. Buffalo Bills: Jimmy Conzelman, Hall of Fame coach. Though he passed away 40 years ago, he couldn't be any duller or less enthusiastic than the recent succession of the Bills' barely awake head coaches.
Kinda funny..
AP Photo"Put the team on a raft and let them drift down the Mississippi till they're too far away for us to have to watch," Twain advised Rams' management.1. St. Louis Rams: Mark Twain, humorist. With Les Mouflons on a 6-42 streak, perhaps Missouri's most famous son could convert the team into a satire.
2. Detroit Lions: Alan Mulally, CEO, Ford Motors. Unlike Chrysler and General Motors, Ford took no bailout money. The company decided on its own several years ago to emphasize manufacturing quality and fuel efficiency, with the result that Ford was positioned for success without federal subsidies. That's the can-do attitude the Lions need. Downside: Mulally will demand a $17.9 million signing bonus (his actual compensation for 2009).
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Derrick Brooks, Warrick Dunn and Warren Sapp, throwbacks. Of the NFL's three worst teams, two, the Bucs and Rams, are also relatively recent Super Bowl victors. This must mean something. If only I knew what.
4. Washington Redskins: Paul Bunyan, logger. Six years ago, TMQ christened Redskins owner Chainsaw Dan after he hired a crew to clear-cut 130 mature trees that blocked his mansion's view of the Potomac River. The trees were not on Snyder's property, rather, on a scenic easement administered by the National Park Service. Snyder paid a fine, and promised to replant -- obviously coming out ahead, since it would take saplings a decade or more to grow enough to block his view again.
Now the Gazette, Washington's excellent suburban newspaper, reports that six years later, Snyder has yet to plant the first tree. His excuse? The Environmental Impact Statement isn't finished. Obviously you need an Environmental Impact Statement to plant trees! What if they develop leaves, or birds perch in them? Obviously, the Environmental Impact Statement process was intended to crack down on the irresponsible planting of trees! The longer Snyder drags his feet on replanting, the longer he enjoys his ill-gotten view. Redskins note: If the Skins still make a play for Bradford, whose great-great-grandmother was Cherokee, will that be good or bad for the team name controversy?
5. Kansas City Chiefs: Plato, ancient philosopher. The Chiefs' season already seems doomed -- but then, 2,400 years ago, Plato said the world was about to fall apart. This recent Jim Fallows article shows that claims of American decline are not new -- they've been common since before Woodrow Wilson.
6. Seattle Seahawks: Glenn Beck, wing nut/comedian. Born in Everett, Wash., Beck could disconcert Hawks' opponents by calling them names. "Communist fascist God-hating satanic cannibal" is among the milder things Beck calls people.
7. Cleveland Browns: Ellen Gordon, president, Tootsie Roll. Why doesn't this company sponsor the Browns? A natural fit. TMQ loves that the firm is officially Tootsie Roll Industries.
8. Oakland Raiders: Chesley Sullenberger, retired airline pilot. No NFL team needs a steady hand on the yoke more than the Raiders, and Sullenberger was born in California. Already high in the public's admiration, Sullenberger rose higher in TMQ's admiration when he had the ghostwriter's name put on the cover of "Highest Duty," his book about the Hudson River landing. Sullenberger was honest about himself, rather than masquerading as an author, as do so many public-figure phonies.
9. Buffalo Bills: Jimmy Conzelman, Hall of Fame coach. Though he passed away 40 years ago, he couldn't be any duller or less enthusiastic than the recent succession of the Bills' barely awake head coaches.
Kinda funny..
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