You gotta love the Onion

[Mike13]

Buffalo Bills

• Strength: Buffalo is well-known for its friendly locals, its world-famous wings, and its proximity to beautiful Niagara Falls
• Weakness: Once again pretty much centers around the entire roster
• Player To Watch: Starting quarterback Trent Edwards. Wait, him again? God, these guys are so ****ed
• Intangibles: The AFC East is, perhaps, the league's most talented division, making it the most respectable division to finish last in

Miami Dolphins

• Strength: With a new big-name free agent and a talented young quarterback, Miami has the potential to disappoint like never before
• Weakness: A common sleeper pick among analysts; few things spell your demise quite as surely as that
• Player To Watch: LeBron James should play his first game at tight end roughly halfway through the season
• Intangibles: Already boasting loads of beautiful women and the NBA's most talented assemblage of players, Miami needs only to win the Super Bowl to really send a ****-you to the rest of the nation

Funny stuff.

[justasportsfan]

Re: You gotta love the Onion

loved this one

New England Patriots

•Strength: Bill Belichick has avoided stealing any wives recently, so he should be focused on the 2010 season; people are sure to tout the Patriots' experience and maturity as opposed to flat-out calling them old

•Weakness: Considering the talent of this year's rookie class, it's a shame that Belichick will once more work one of them until he dies

•Intangibles: Can't discount the possibility of another horrific injury to quarterback Tom Brady; oh, please, Lord, let there be another horrific injury to Tom Brady

•Biggest Question: This may be the year New England finally falls out of contention, but we know full well these ****s will pull a 12-4 season out of their ass somehow

[Static]

Re: You gotta love the Onion

"Miami has the potential to disappoint like never before"


Ah it is funny cause it is true

[CuseJetsFan83]

Re: You gotta love the Onion

New York Jets

• Strength: Rex Ryan is a coach who leads by example, an approach that has helped the Jets build one of the fattest offensive lines in the league
• Weakness: New Jet Santonio Holmes claimed to have a great weed connect, but after hooking teammates up with total schwag, he has lots of ground to make up
• Player To Watch: Quarterback Mark Sanchez, specifically his muscular thighs and perfectly sculpted ass
• Biggest Question: Why exactly is everyone so optimistic about this team in the preseason every single year?

hahahaha, yeah the last one i will never figure out...... always a "dangerous" team when the roster comes out before week 1. hope springs eternal i guess

[Mike13]

Re: You gotta love the Onion

I loved these two:

Philadelphia Eagles

Weakness: With the loss of Brian Westbrook, the Eagles have a major hole at starting knee injury and concussion

San Francisco 49ers
Player To Watch: Veteran Brian Westbrook is always a threat to explode into a cloud of ligaments and bone

[Dr. Lecter]

Re: You gotta love the Onion

For FunTimes:

Cleveland Browns

* Strength: N/A
* Weakness: Okay, where to begin? Let's see, Jake Delhomme is their starting quarterback. Bobby Engram, their 37-year-old starting wide receiver, caught 5 passes last year. Running back Jamal Lewis was cut in the off-season. Man, this is fun and easy! What else? Okay! They're in a constant state of rebuilding and have no team identity, the future of the franchise is Colt McCoy, and their biggest asset is team president and non-football-player Mike Holmgren
* Strength: Oh, just thought of one: dog faces
* Player to Watch: To see Colt McCoy become a starter too early, get extremely flustered, and have a terrible rookie season could be quite delightful
* Biggest Question: How soon will fans bust out the paper bags?

[CuseJetsFan83]

Re: You gotta love the Onion

today's post from september 24:

Sports History


1986: Dan Marino passes for six touchdowns against the New York Jets, none of which results in a Super Bowl ring.

[imbondz]

Re: You gotta love the Onion

For FunTimes:

Cleveland Browns

* Strength: N/A
* Weakness: Okay, where to begin? Let's see, Jake Delhomme is their starting quarterback. Bobby Engram, their 37-year-old starting wide receiver, caught 5 passes last year. Running back Jamal Lewis was cut in the off-season. Man, this is fun and easy! What else? Okay! They're in a constant state of rebuilding and have no team identity, the future of the franchise is Colt McCoy, and their biggest asset is team president and non-football-player Mike Holmgren
* Strength: Oh, just thought of one: dog faces
* Player to Watch: To see Colt McCoy become a starter too early, get extremely flustered, and have a terrible rookie season could be quite delightful
* Biggest Question: How soon will fans bust out the paper bags?

LOL. Strength: N/A made me laugh out loud!

[Mike13]

Re: You gotta love the Onion

today's post from september 24:

Sports History


1986: Dan Marino passes for six touchdowns against the New York Jets, none of which results in a Super Bowl ring.

Ok I laughed, it hurts but I laughed.

[Historian]

Re: You gotta love the Onion

Denver: Player To Watch: Brady Quinn should have an interesting year, as he has been vigorously studying the Denver phone book

[Cleve]

Re: You gotta love the Onion

today's post from september 24:

Sports History


1986: Dan Marino passes for six touchdowns against the New York Jets, none of which results in a Super Bowl ring.

My Marino-Hate approves of this post.

[Cleve]

Re: You gotta love the Onion

Dallas Cowboys

• Strength: Yes, there are positives, but reading them will only make you angry and listing them will only make us angry
• Weakness: Other than being the most infuriating, knuckle-whitening, I-want-to-throw-a-brick-through-my-television-set-when-I-watch-them team in the league, are a little weak at free safety
• Intangibles: **** the Dallas Cowboys and every ****ing thing they stand for; special teams
• Biggest Question: Can they finally get over the hump and get back to the Super Bowl, and do they know how much that would depress the entire U.S. populace?

Oakland Raiders

• Strength: Just nice to see them outside getting some fresh air
• Weakness: As a team, every single player on this roster ****ing sucks
• Player To Watch: Quarterback Jason Campbell is an experienced loser and is not going to mope around and act all depressed when team loses eight or nine straight games
• Biggest Question: If Tom Cable isn't fired during or after the season, will Al Davis get rid of him by drowning him in the Gatorade container?