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Arizona -- A time machine to return to 2008.
Atlanta -- An identity. The Falcons are on a blazing 15-2 run, yet are known for what, exactly?
Baltimore -- A TCU victory in the Rose Bowl Game presented by Vizio. This would be a good omen for football players who wear purple.
Buffalo -- A complete set of jerseys from the 1990s Super Bowl run. It's no coincidence the Bills have not made the playoffs since switching to the league's ugliest uniforms.
Carolina -- Quarterbacks, running backs, wide receivers, tight ends, offensive linemen, defensive linemen, linebackers, defensive backs, kickers and coaches. That's all the Panthers need.
Chicago -- A game in Florida.
Cincinnati -- TV shows for the other 50 players. A mere three Bengals players have their own television shows.
Cleveland -- A dawg who can play football: "Fetch the pass!" Ideal marketing gimmick.
Dallas -- A much larger state than Texas, to create room for Jerry Jones' ego.
Denver -- A "Fringe"-inspired alternate universe in which the past two years didn't happen.
Detroit -- A Rand McNally road atlas with all NFL cities except Detroit missing. If the Lions can't find the road games, they won't have to play them.
Green Bay -- A water slide so Aaron Rodgers can practice sliding.
Houston -- The defense of any Division III college team. It'd be an improvement.
Indianapolis -- Instant miracle cure for Dallas Clark.
Jacksonville -- Every game ends with a 59-yard field goal attempt.
Jersey/A -- Cheer-babes. The New York City area has hundreds of glamorous, leggy young women with dance training who are looking for a break. How about it, G-Men?
Jersey/B -- A recording of Ronald Reagan saying, "Tear down this wall!"
Kansas City -- A throwback weekend in which the rules of 1905 are used: Only rushing allowed.
Miami -- League approval to stage all games on the road.
Minnesota -- Brett Favre plays until eligible for membership in AARP.
New England -- More offensive linemen to return kicks.
New Orleans -- Just a dull, predictable, monotonous repetition of last season's result.
Philadelphia -- DeSean Jackson cast as the lead in a revival of the musical "Show Boat."
Pittsburgh -- The investment interest on all NFL fines paid this season.
Oakland -- The "Hawaii Five-O" cast to investigate the Raiders' penalties.
San Diego -- Special teams that are merely below average.
San Francisco -- Oakleys, so Mike Singletary looks better when he wears dark glasses at night.
Seattle -- No restrictions on phone calls, official visits and scholarships when Pete Carroll goes recruiting during the upcoming free-agency period.
St. Louis -- The NFC West becomes a BCS automatic qualifier.
Tampa -- A 2011 schedule consisting entirely of losing teams.
Tennessee -- Someone willing to trade for Randy Moss.
Washington -- Anyone chosen from the D.C. phone book at random to replace Dan Snyder as owner.
Atlanta -- An identity. The Falcons are on a blazing 15-2 run, yet are known for what, exactly?
Baltimore -- A TCU victory in the Rose Bowl Game presented by Vizio. This would be a good omen for football players who wear purple.
Buffalo -- A complete set of jerseys from the 1990s Super Bowl run. It's no coincidence the Bills have not made the playoffs since switching to the league's ugliest uniforms.
Carolina -- Quarterbacks, running backs, wide receivers, tight ends, offensive linemen, defensive linemen, linebackers, defensive backs, kickers and coaches. That's all the Panthers need.
Chicago -- A game in Florida.
Cincinnati -- TV shows for the other 50 players. A mere three Bengals players have their own television shows.
Cleveland -- A dawg who can play football: "Fetch the pass!" Ideal marketing gimmick.
Dallas -- A much larger state than Texas, to create room for Jerry Jones' ego.
Denver -- A "Fringe"-inspired alternate universe in which the past two years didn't happen.
Detroit -- A Rand McNally road atlas with all NFL cities except Detroit missing. If the Lions can't find the road games, they won't have to play them.
Green Bay -- A water slide so Aaron Rodgers can practice sliding.
Houston -- The defense of any Division III college team. It'd be an improvement.
Indianapolis -- Instant miracle cure for Dallas Clark.
Jacksonville -- Every game ends with a 59-yard field goal attempt.
Jersey/A -- Cheer-babes. The New York City area has hundreds of glamorous, leggy young women with dance training who are looking for a break. How about it, G-Men?
Jersey/B -- A recording of Ronald Reagan saying, "Tear down this wall!"
Kansas City -- A throwback weekend in which the rules of 1905 are used: Only rushing allowed.
Miami -- League approval to stage all games on the road.
Minnesota -- Brett Favre plays until eligible for membership in AARP.
New England -- More offensive linemen to return kicks.
New Orleans -- Just a dull, predictable, monotonous repetition of last season's result.
Philadelphia -- DeSean Jackson cast as the lead in a revival of the musical "Show Boat."
Pittsburgh -- The investment interest on all NFL fines paid this season.
Oakland -- The "Hawaii Five-O" cast to investigate the Raiders' penalties.
San Diego -- Special teams that are merely below average.
San Francisco -- Oakleys, so Mike Singletary looks better when he wears dark glasses at night.
Seattle -- No restrictions on phone calls, official visits and scholarships when Pete Carroll goes recruiting during the upcoming free-agency period.
St. Louis -- The NFC West becomes a BCS automatic qualifier.
Tampa -- A 2011 schedule consisting entirely of losing teams.
Tennessee -- Someone willing to trade for Randy Moss.
Washington -- Anyone chosen from the D.C. phone book at random to replace Dan Snyder as owner.
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