IlluminatusUIUC's better mock draft than anybody's 2014 edition

[IlluminatusUIUC]

I noticed that there seem to be fewer fan mock drafts posted this year then I've seen in prior years, so I decided to reprise the one I did last year. As before, this is a "should take" mock draft where I try to step in their shoes. And if you don't like my analysis, I offer boobs. For the ladies, I went with either the team that originally held the pick or a girl from the school where the pick came from.
1. Houston Texans - Jadaveon Clowney, DE SCAR
Houston's free fall from Super Bowl contender to #1 pick really does begin and end with the quarterback position. Without a clear cut QB to take at #1, there's only one real choice here.
http://i61.tinypic.com/2ngdguo.jpg
2. St. Louis Rams (from Washington Redskins) - Greg Robinson, OT AUB
I seriously considered one of the quarterbacks here, because I do not care for Bradford at all. However, both of the Rams' tackles are coming off injuries and their division is lousy with pass rushers. He becomes an immediate starter at LG and can kick out to either side in the likely event that Long or Saffold re-injure themselves.
http://i59.tinypic.com/2je5npt.jpg
3. Jacksonville Jaguars - Johnny Manziel, QB TAMU
With the Blaine Gabbert disaster finally making its way out of town, the Jaguars need someone to direct their offense. A lot of people like Bortles here because of the Florida connection, but I think Jax desperately needs a QB who can make something out of nothing. And having a chip on his shoulder over being passed by Houston can't hurt.
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4. Cleveland Browns - Sammy Watkins, WR CLEM
Cleveland also needs a QB, but Watkins is too good to pass on, and pairing him with Gordon means that the Browns finally have the best wideout corps in Ohio.
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5. Oakland Raiders - Blake Bortles, QB UCF
The Raiders traded for Schaub in the offseason, and while he is the presumptive starter, it should only be about eight games before the Black Hole rushes the field to kill him after his fourth pick 6. Bortles is the high-upside guy to hopefully be ready bu the time Manning and Rivers retire and the division goes wide open.
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6. Atlanta Falcons - Khalil Mack, OLB UB
Atlanta desperately needs someone who can get to Newton and Brees. Mack is, by some estimations, the best pass rusher in the draft and they'd be ecstatic to see him here.
http://i62.tinypic.com/11bnkau.jpg
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Mike Evans, WR TAMU
Mike Glennon might not be the future, but he's definitely the present. Giving him Evans to pair with Martin and Jackson gives him hugely potent weapons, and the potential to be the third best offense in their own division. Can't win them all.
http://i61.tinypic.com/2mfm9o1.jpg
8. Minnesota Vikings - Aaron Donald, DT PITT
When the Vikings were successful in the late 2000's, they boasted an elite DT rotation to pair with Allen. Well, Allen's gone and so is half the Williams wall, so I'm giving them the best penetrating DT to try to recapture some of that.
http://i60.tinypic.com/dnlmpc.jpg

[IlluminatusUIUC]

9. Buffalo Bills - Jake Matthews, OT TAMU
I believe you can never over-invest in your lines, and I also believe that Pears sucks and Hairston is a career reserve. With the Williams trade, I think we have a reasonable amount of offensive weapons, so I want to give Manuel time to find them.
http://i58.tinypic.com/7n09.jpg
10. Detroit Lions - Darqueze Dennard, CB MSU
Well, now that every other team in the NFC North has at least two good to elite wideouts, it's time for the arms race to begin. Detroit goes for the physical local boy to try to keep up.
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11. Tennessee Titans - Justin Gilbert, CB OSU
Losing Verner to the Bucs hurts, and seeing Indy get Wayne back could hurt worse. The South hasn't really been the same shootout division it was when Manning and Schaub were both in their primes, but Luck, Johnny Football, Texans Quarterback to be named Later can still be forces.
http://i60.tinypic.com/14d1px4.jpg
12. New York Giants - Anthony Barr, OLB UCLA
Barr's stock has been sliding recently, but I still think he's an excellent player. New York now finds itself in a division with three excellent halfbacks and really needs the linebacker corps to keep pace.
http://i61.tinypic.com/j7am37.jpg
13. St. Louis Rams - Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix, FS BAMA
All of the Rams' division rivals show what high caliber safety play can do for a defense, and Dix should provide that, especially if Kaepernick and Palmer continue wrestling their turnover demons.
http://i58.tinypic.com/2eqf6tj.jpg
14. Chicago Bears - CJ Mosley, MLB BAMA
The Chicago Bears had the worst rushing defense in the league last year. Seriously. There are some things that should never be said and "Bears give up 5.3 yards per carry" is one of them. Take the best LB left on the board and bring the monsters back to the midway.
http://i59.tinypic.com/qyh8o1.jpg
15. Pittsburgh Steelers - Trade to Arizona Cardinals - Taylor Lewan, OT MICH
Pittsburgh doesn't really have a great option here, so they deal out to Arizona. The Cards are in a uniquely unfortunate position. They have a championship caliber defense, good weapons on offense, and a QB just good enough to Flacco their way to a title. But they are in a division with two better championship caliber defenses and better QBs. They need to protect Palmer, and hope to steal a road playoff game or three to get some success out of this before Palmer and Fitz become ineffective.
http://i59.tinypic.com/r2rnyc.jpg
16. Dallas Cowboys - Marqise Lee, WR USC
Dallas is committed to the Tony Romo experience for at least two more years, and even with the improvements they made the defense is still likely to be a disaster. Give Romo a target opposite Bryant and home to win some games 49-45.
http://i57.tinypic.com/2zfr02w.jpg

[IlluminatusUIUC]

17. Baltimore Ravens - Odell Beckham, WR LSU
Take the above paragraph and swap "defense" with "running game." Ray Rice's legal troubles might keep him off the field for a long time, and Torrey Smith can't outrun everyone alone. Steve Smith is a fun addition, but he'll be 35 years old this month.
http://i62.tinypic.com/k2musk.jpg
18. New York Jets - Kyle Fuller, CB VT
Decker was a good pickup for the Jets, who really needed some steady hands on the offense. I strongly considered Ebron here, but selfishly I couldn't stand the thought of the jabbering 15 year olds playing Madden 15 with an offense that had Ebron, Vick AND Chris Johnson. So for no other reason then spite, I have New York taking Cromartie's replacement and Milliner's partner.
http://i58.tinypic.com/50o61k.jpg
19. Miami Dolphins - Eric Ebron, TE UNC
Fast with inconsistent hands is the Miami way!
http://i58.tinypic.com/2ccxll3.jpg
20. Arizona Cardinals -> Pittsburgh Steelers - Calvin Pryor, FS UL
Pittsburgh responds to Baltimore and Cleveland taking wideouts by taking an excellent cover safety to play over Polamalu during his golden years.
http://i62.tinypic.com/16ggeg.jpg
21. Green Bay Packers - Trade to Philadelphia Eagles - Louis Nix, NT Notre Dame
Philly, out of an abundance of caution, swaps picks with Green Bay to ensure they get a legit nose tackle to anchor their defense. Green Bay opts to give Raji another chance.
http://i62.tinypic.com/343gsub.jpg
22. Philadelphia Eagles -> Green Bay Packers - Jace Amaro, TE Texas Tech
Recently, Green Bay's arch-nemeses have been New Orleans and San Francisco. Both of them have excellent, athletic tight ends. Rodgers watches replays of Finley dropping pass after pass in the playoffs and screams to the high heavens.
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23. Kansas City Chiefs - Xavier Su'a-Filo, OG UCLA
Kansas City has a top 3 halfback and a good defense and couldn't protect a massive playoff lead. I don't really see the value in any of the defensive picks, so let's replace Asomoah here.
http://i60.tinypic.com/2rm4oht.jpg
24. Cincinnati Bengals - Ryan Shazier, OLB Ohio St
This pick is the official "Referendum on Andy Dalton" pick. If they are unsatisfied with him, then Carr or Bridgewater could come off the board. I still think he can improve, so I take Shazier to play opposite Burfict because seriously, how many years does Harrison have left?
http://i58.tinypic.com/3324bqs.jpg

[IlluminatusUIUC]

25. San Diego Chargers - Kony Ealy, DE Mizzou
They desperately need pass rushers if they want to stop Manning in Denver, and the division still runs through him.
http://i62.tinypic.com/11jt7xd.jpg
26. Cleveland Browns (from Indianapolis Colts) - Teddy Bridgewater, QB UL
As I posted this week, the Browns were so QB hungry they were digging through the Bills' rejects looking for a gem. Ours! Hoyer had a fun month last year, but if they are looking to the Bills, they should know better then to commit to a QB after a good month.
http://i60.tinypic.com/2gtrsyg.jpg
27. New Orleans Saints - Timmy Jernigan, DT FSU
What a turnaround on that defense! Rob Ryan worked a miracle on Bourbon street last year, but even with the addition of Byrd it will be difficult to replicate that performance. Beef up the DL to keep the Panthers and Bucs from flattening you in the run game so Brees can do his thing.
http://i61.tinypic.com/153tkxz.jpg
28. Carolina Panthers - Austin Sefarian-Jenkins, TE UW
Newton needed somebody, anybody to throw to last year and the Panthers could have gone to the NFC title game. I thought about the remaining wideouts here, but I remember that Newton had his best success when he had the two TE sets with Shockey and Olsen to work through. ASJ has character concerns, so he'll at least fill Shockey's role as team knucklehead.
http://i62.tinypic.com/28vvvw8.jpg
29. New England Patriots - Brandin Cooks, WR Oregon St
The Pats lost the AFCCG when Brady couldn't keep up in a shootout with Peyton Manning. They tried to counter that witha heavy investment in DBs this year, but I think that without Gronk they still need offensive firepower.
http://i58.tinypic.com/noy9lu.jpg
30. San Francisco 49ers - Bradley Roby, CB Ohio St
San Francisco is often mocked to trade up because they are sitting on a ton of picks and a stacked roster. I can see it happening, but I also couldn't really decide on who they would covet so badly. Dance with the dame what brung ya and make an elite defense even elitier.
http://i60.tinypic.com/16jlzc7.jpg
31. Denver Broncos - Kyle Van Noy, OLB BYU
The consistent narrative is that Seattle's defense was so overpowering that Denver was basically doomed from the start of the Super Bowl, but I don't really believe that. Denver's D couldn't get a 3rd down stop to save their lives and the rout was on. I think Denver's offense is still more than potent enough to win them a title, obviously, so take a guy who can put the ball back in Manning's hands.
http://i58.tinypic.com/14xexd0.jpg
32. Seattle Seahawks - Trade to Washington Redskins - Jason Verrett, CB TCU
What do you get for the team that has everything? Seattle's only notable weakness last year was in pass catchers, and with a flurry of them coming off the board already then keeping the pick doesn't make a ton of sense. Washington, concerned that Houston might pass on a QB at 33 and take the local boy, jumps up from 34 and snags the man they hope can stop Bryant and Cruz.
http://i61.tinypic.com/28ro75x.jpg
Well, there it is for another year. Hope you enjoyed it.

[mrbojanglezs]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwljKo0yeoA

[Skooby]

Best mock I've ever seen, all the "choices" are looking quite good.

[GvilleBills]

I would say this is the most accurate thread title of the evertimes.

[Mr. Miyagi]

THREAD OF THE YEAR

[YardRat]

Best...mock...ever.

[ICRockets]

You have 2 TEs in the first round and neither of them are Eric Ebron.

[IlluminatusUIUC]

You have 2 TEs in the first round and neither of them are Eric Ebron.

Ebron goes 19 to Miami.

I understand if it's easy to miss. :rofl:

[sudzy]

I'm sorry. Did you post any text? You could have wrote blah-blah-blah and it would have got my vote for mock draft of the year.

[IlluminatusUIUC]

FWIW, here's the picks by themselves without commentary or ladies.
1. Houston Texans - Jadaveon Clowney, DE SCAR
2. St. Louis Rams (from Washington Redskins) - Greg Robinson, OT AUB
3. Jacksonville Jaguars - Johnny Manziel, QB TAMU
4. Cleveland Browns - Sammy Watkins, WR CLEM
5. Oakland Raiders - Blake Bortles, QB UCF
6. Atlanta Falcons - Khalil Mack, OLB UB
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Mike Evans, WR TAMU
8. Minnesota Vikings - Aaron Donald, DT PITT
9. Buffalo Bills - Jake Matthews, OT TAMU
10. Detroit Lions - Darqueze Dennard, CB MSU
11. Tennessee Titans - Justin Gilbert, CB OSU
12. New York Giants - Anthony Barr, OLB UCLA
13. St. Louis Rams - Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix, FS BAMA
14. Chicago Bears - CJ Mosley, MLB BAMA
15. Pittsburgh Steelers - Trade to Arizona Cardinals - Taylor Lewan, OT MICH
16. Dallas Cowboys - Marqise Lee, WR USC
17. Baltimore Ravens - Odell Beckham, WR LSU
18. New York Jets - Kyle Fuller, CB VT
19. Miami Dolphins - Eric Ebron, TE UNC
20. Arizona Cardinals -> Pittsburgh Steelers - Calvin Pryor, FS UL
21. Green Bay Packers - Trade to Philadelphia Eagles - Louis Nix, NT Notre Dame
22. Philadelphia Eagles -> Green Bay Packers - Jace Amaro, TE Texas Tech
23. Kansas City Chiefs - Xavier Su'a-Filo, OG UCLA
24. Cincinnati Bengals - Ryan Shazier, OLB Ohio St
25. San Diego Chargers - Kony Ealy, DE Mizzou
26. Cleveland Browns (from Indianapolis Colts) - Teddy Bridgewater, QB UL
27. New Orleans Saints - Timmy Jernigan, DT FSU
28. Carolina Panthers - Austin Sefarian-Jenkins, TE UW
29. New England Patriots - Brandin Cooks, WR Oregon St
30. San Francisco 49ers - Bradley Roby, CB Ohio St
31. Denver Broncos - Kyle Van Noy, OLB BYU
32. Seattle Seahawks - Trade to Washington Redskins - Jason Verrett, CB TCU

[cookie G]

FWIW, here's the picks by themselves without commentary or ladies.
1. Houston Texans - Jadaveon Clowney, DE SCAR
2. St. Louis Rams (from Washington Redskins) - Greg Robinson, OT AUB
3. Jacksonville Jaguars - Johnny Manziel, QB TAMU
4. Cleveland Browns - Sammy Watkins, WR CLEM


After seeing the annotated version of this mock...the plain text version...just doesn't do it for me.

[Skooby]

FWIW, here's the picks by themselves without commentary or ladies.
1. Houston Texans - Jadaveon Clowney, DE SCAR
2. St. Louis Rams (from Washington Redskins) - Greg Robinson, OT AUB
3. Jacksonville Jaguars - Johnny Manziel, QB TAMU
4. Cleveland Browns - Sammy Watkins, WR CLEM
5. Oakland Raiders - Blake Bortles, QB UCF
6. Atlanta Falcons - Khalil Mack, OLB UB
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Mike Evans, WR TAMU
8. Minnesota Vikings - Aaron Donald, DT PITT
9. Buffalo Bills - Jake Matthews, OT TAMU
10. Detroit Lions - Darqueze Dennard, CB MSU
11. Tennessee Titans - Justin Gilbert, CB OSU
12. New York Giants - Anthony Barr, OLB UCLA
13. St. Louis Rams - Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix, FS BAMA
14. Chicago Bears - CJ Mosley, MLB BAMA
15. Pittsburgh Steelers - Trade to Arizona Cardinals - Taylor Lewan, OT MICH
16. Dallas Cowboys - Marqise Lee, WR USC
17. Baltimore Ravens - Odell Beckham, WR LSU
18. New York Jets - Kyle Fuller, CB VT
19. Miami Dolphins - Eric Ebron, TE UNC
20. Arizona Cardinals -> Pittsburgh Steelers - Calvin Pryor, FS UL
21. Green Bay Packers - Trade to Philadelphia Eagles - Louis Nix, NT Notre Dame
22. Philadelphia Eagles -> Green Bay Packers - Jace Amaro, TE Texas Tech
23. Kansas City Chiefs - Xavier Su'a-Filo, OG UCLA
24. Cincinnati Bengals - Ryan Shazier, OLB Ohio St
25. San Diego Chargers - Kony Ealy, DE Mizzou
26. Cleveland Browns (from Indianapolis Colts) - Teddy Bridgewater, QB UL
27. New Orleans Saints - Timmy Jernigan, DT FSU
28. Carolina Panthers - Austin Sefarian-Jenkins, TE UW
29. New England Patriots - Brandin Cooks, WR Oregon St
30. San Francisco 49ers - Bradley Roby, CB Ohio St
31. Denver Broncos - Kyle Van Noy, OLB BYU
32. Seattle Seahawks - Trade to Washington Redskins - Jason Verrett, CB TCU

Something's missing.

[justasportsfan]

You have 2 TEs in the first round and neither of them are Eric Ebron.I didnt see any player mentioned

[coastal]

You have 2 TEs in the first round and neither of them are Eric Ebron.
You actually read the thread? I guess we know who here is among the new moral majority in this country.

http://gaycities-featured-images-production.s3.amazonaws.com/events/medsq_351303_tampa%20bay%20pride.jpg

[coastal]

Cleveland's pick is a total skank.

shes awesome.

i love her.

[Dr. Lecter]

I can't wait for the second round!