You guys look like you could use a few laughs

[Mike13]

So here you go (http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-miami-dolphins-1628112669):

My favorite parts:


NO WAY SIXTY DOORS MY GOD HOW CAN ONE MAN LIGHTLY TAP ON THAT MANY DOORS HE MUST BE SOME KIND OF GOD


Tony:
1) Our new logo looks like a Chinese knockoff version of the original. Makes the Marlins logo look cool, which I thought was impossible.
2) We're more famous for locker room discrimination, shenanigans, and roid raged bullies than actual football.
3) Our head coach looks like he's the general manager of the local bowling alley.
4) Coaxing Don Shula and Marino out of retirement has actually crossed the minds of fans. As an actual ****ing option.


Last time I went to Miami, I got blackout drunk, groped my friend's mom, woke up naked on the patio with all my **** covered in gallons of vomit. That gives me less shame than being a Dolphins fan.

[Buffalogic]

Thanks buddy. Misery loves company.

[better days]

So here you go (http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-miami-dolphins-1628112669):

My favorite parts:

That looks more like a whale than a marlin.

[Mike13]

That looks more like a whale than a marlin.

Some sort of marine animal that isnt a dolphin anyway.

[YardRat]

I thought the Bills one was pretty funny.

[ServoBillieves]

I spent $200 on a Daunte Culpepper jersey... so **** me.

Since Stephen Ross has taken ownership I tell myself every off season that the team can't be any more embarrassing than the previous year, but Ross apparently takes that as a personal challenge and ensures that yes indeed we will be....

Thanks for the laugh!

[Historian]

They're the Jets without the comedy.

:roflmao:

[Fletch]

is Joe Philbin even human? Did they piece him together from old corporate retreat binders? This is just what I want from my coach: an awkward late-night interview, right as I'm trying to masturbate before going to sleep. How many of these check-ins ended with Philbin closing the door and the player inside going, "The **** was that about?" I say 100 percent.

LMAO

By the way, here's the same guy's thing on us.

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-buffalo-bills-1628452314

[Fletch]

Your coach: Doug Marrone, who has cancer! No wait, that was a typo (http://deadspin.com/buffalo-bills-publish-report-that-head-coach-has-blank-1566377546). Marrone isn't happy with the Bills current backup-quarterback (http://www.syracuse.com/buffalo-bills/index.ssf/2014/08/doug_marrone_jordan_palmer_jeff_tuel_quarterbacks.html) situation. If only there were a long stretch of time in which no football is played, and you could sign AGENTS who are FREE to sign with other teams, in order for you to secure a decent backup. An OFFseason. Yes, that's it! That sure would come in handy! Marrone also got pissy with Sammy Watkins for talking candidly about his injuries. Congratulations, Buffalo. You get all the paranoia of Sean Payton with none of the playcalling acumen.

That's funny!

[stuckincincy]

I thought the Bills one was pretty funny.

VERY funny. :laughter:

[Fletch]

I'm reading it now, some parts are hysterical.


The Bills also traded their first-rounder next season (oof, outsmarted by Cleveland) to move up in the draft and pick Sammy Watkins. They have publicly stated they would have picked Watkins No. 1 overall, because apparently the Bills are the only franchise that hasn't learned about building a roster from the middle and then out. It's one thing to mortgage your future when you're the Falcons, and you want Julio Jones around to help out Matt Ryan. But the Bills don't have Matt Ryan. They have the black Jake Locker. They can't even keep Watkins healthy, and the season hasn't started yet. Everyone is fighting (http://deadspin.com/bills-halt-practice-after-second-straight-day-of-fights-1625460097). What is this team doing? Is there any plan at all? Will any fan be sober enough to notice? (No.)

[Fletch]

What has always sucked: This is the outlet-store NFL team. Everything on display is discounted and/or blemished. Here's a used Brandon Spikes! And a Mike Williams refurb! Would you like the floor model of Mario Williams? We can give you that! You'll get used to owning a quarterback born without legs! THESE ARE ALL GREAT VALUES.



A quarterback born without legs. LMAO


This was a team left to rot as Wilson grew older, and you can see it in both the roster and the fanbase. I can barely tell the difference between a Bills tailgate and a 1970s Manchester coal-plant union protest. There is decay and unhappiness pretty much everywhere you look. The team even issued instructions for cheerleader vagina maintenance (http://deadspin.com/how-to-use-a-tampon-and-other-guidelines-for-bills-che-1567047406), because I guess that's a genuine health issue in the Buffalo area. Sammy Watkins may crack 50 ribs this season, but the Bills will be damned if they let any vaginas smell up the joint.

I'm dying from laughter.

[Historian]

The beef on Weck I bought at the Ralph gave me terrible watery diarrhea

Hey...at least the Bills fixed that this season!

[Mike13]

I spent $200 on a Daunte Culpepper jersey... so **** me.

Since Stephen Ross has taken ownership I tell myself every off season that the team can't be any more embarrassing than the previous year, but Ross apparently takes that as a personal challenge and ensures that yes indeed we will be....

Thanks for the laugh!

I bought an authentic Brandon Marshall jersey and he was nice enough to sign it.
Probably would have netted me a nice chunk of change had I sold it immediately.
Now I cant get rid of the thing.