Oaf
09-02-2014, 09:52 PM
From some Bills fan named Josh.
Offseason/Preseason: Jairus Byrd lost to free agency. Marcell Dareus missing camp to attend substance abuse program. Kiko Alonso out the entire season. Cordy Glenn not at camp with mysterious non-football illness. Jim Schwartz in as Defensive Coordinator. Ralph died. The team's for sale. I've already got a migraine and a cramp in my dick and we haven't played a game yet.
Weeks 1-4: A relatively favorable schedule will have us fall ass backward into being 3-1 and the BILLievers will be out in force, myself included.
Weeks 5-8: Schwartz will prove useful against his old team and Watkins will have a big game against Detroit in Week 5. The matchup with the Pats in Week 6 will actually get some rare, pregame foreplay. New England will embarrass us. EJ will get hurt and be out 4-6 weeks. A warm body will take his place under center.
Week 9: We'll be 4-4 at the bye week with EJ still on the mend and several others banged up. Probably be on our 3rd string running back and waiver wire linebackers at this point.
Weeks 10-13: This will be another 1-3 stretch. The season will unofficially end in Week 13 with Buffalo hosting the coming out party for Johnny Manziel. After throwing his third touchdown late in the fourth quarter to take a commanding lead, he'll strut over to a sideline camera giving his money-finger-rub and taunt, "Heard y'all were for sale. Thinkin' 'bout buyin' y'all with the money I made in college." By Tuesday morning, the top story on Deadspin will be an underexposed, grainy photo of Manziel blowing coke off of a Jills cheerleader's ass from Saturday night before the game.
Weeks 14-17: At Denver, vs Green Bay, at Oakland, and at New England. That's 3 ass whoopins wrapped around a late afternoon, season-garbage-time game that pits us against the Raiders in a scrimmage of the 5-9's. We'll beat them in some weird, sloppy game by a score of 16-5 or something. The only highlight from the game will be vertically-shot iPhone footage of some rowdy Bills Mafia getting into a parking lot brawl with those guys from Raider Nation that look like the offspring of a Darth Vader/Road Warriors/KISS orgy. We'll finish the year 6-10, 2-4 in the division. I'll be in the yard burning my Bills jersey and zubaz, grumbling to my wife about Goodell, concussions, and Tom Brady in an effort to rationalize why I'm renouncing the NFL and becoming a baseball fan. To maintain my masochism, I'll choose to cheer for the Cubs.
This seems humorously and depressingly accurate.
Offseason/Preseason: Jairus Byrd lost to free agency. Marcell Dareus missing camp to attend substance abuse program. Kiko Alonso out the entire season. Cordy Glenn not at camp with mysterious non-football illness. Jim Schwartz in as Defensive Coordinator. Ralph died. The team's for sale. I've already got a migraine and a cramp in my dick and we haven't played a game yet.
Weeks 1-4: A relatively favorable schedule will have us fall ass backward into being 3-1 and the BILLievers will be out in force, myself included.
Weeks 5-8: Schwartz will prove useful against his old team and Watkins will have a big game against Detroit in Week 5. The matchup with the Pats in Week 6 will actually get some rare, pregame foreplay. New England will embarrass us. EJ will get hurt and be out 4-6 weeks. A warm body will take his place under center.
Week 9: We'll be 4-4 at the bye week with EJ still on the mend and several others banged up. Probably be on our 3rd string running back and waiver wire linebackers at this point.
Weeks 10-13: This will be another 1-3 stretch. The season will unofficially end in Week 13 with Buffalo hosting the coming out party for Johnny Manziel. After throwing his third touchdown late in the fourth quarter to take a commanding lead, he'll strut over to a sideline camera giving his money-finger-rub and taunt, "Heard y'all were for sale. Thinkin' 'bout buyin' y'all with the money I made in college." By Tuesday morning, the top story on Deadspin will be an underexposed, grainy photo of Manziel blowing coke off of a Jills cheerleader's ass from Saturday night before the game.
Weeks 14-17: At Denver, vs Green Bay, at Oakland, and at New England. That's 3 ass whoopins wrapped around a late afternoon, season-garbage-time game that pits us against the Raiders in a scrimmage of the 5-9's. We'll beat them in some weird, sloppy game by a score of 16-5 or something. The only highlight from the game will be vertically-shot iPhone footage of some rowdy Bills Mafia getting into a parking lot brawl with those guys from Raider Nation that look like the offspring of a Darth Vader/Road Warriors/KISS orgy. We'll finish the year 6-10, 2-4 in the division. I'll be in the yard burning my Bills jersey and zubaz, grumbling to my wife about Goodell, concussions, and Tom Brady in an effort to rationalize why I'm renouncing the NFL and becoming a baseball fan. To maintain my masochism, I'll choose to cheer for the Cubs.
This seems humorously and depressingly accurate.