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League, networks decry Bills’ “inevitable dominance”
NEW YORK – According to NFL sources, commissioner Paul Tagliabue huddled with team owners and television network executives Thursday on a hastily organized conference call to discuss the implications for TV ratings and revenues of the Buffalo Bills’ inevitable dominance this season.
“Frankly, they’re starting to panic,” said one league official, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “By week five or six, we’re expecting attendance to drop pretty dramatically for most games, as fans start to realize that the Bills are unstoppable. From a business standpoint, this could pretty much ruin the year.”
Just two weeks into the season, the Bills have already posted impressive victories over the Patriots and Jaguars. Those teams finished a combined 15-17 last year and had been widely seen as the most likely spoilers to an undefeated Bills season.
If fans outside Buffalo abandon interest in the NFL, the impact on ticket revenue would be marginal, since so many seats are pre-sold. But attendance would be dismal, forcing television networks to broadcast games played to empty stands and home viewership measured in the thousands.
“Advertisers are getting antsy and asking about renegotiation,” said one Fox Sports executive, who declined to be identified. “We’re already talking to Ron Popeil about running that rotisserie grill infomercial at halftimes, instead of highlights from other meaningless games.”
Network executives are reportedly scrambling to plan for broadcasts which would not show the vast areas of empty seats at stadia nationwide, and with pre-recorded crowd noise edited in. Reportedly, Raiders owner Al Davis suggested distributing tickets to the homeless in order to fill at least one or two sections, which would be used as background for carefully planned camera angles. Davis also proposed recruiting from mental institutions and prisons.
“We already do this in Oakland,” Davis allegedly said, “looking for the nuttiest characters we can find, and it works just fine.” (Raiders officials declined to comment, referring all inquiries to “those league office jerkoffs.”)
Buffalo travels to Miami this week for a nationally televised game Sunday evening. In his Thursday press conference, Dolphins coach Dave Wannstadt angrily denied that the game was a “formality” or that many of his players were “too frightened to show up,” as one Miami newspaper reported. Also Thursday, five Dolphins including Ricky Williams and Jason Taylor were added to the injury list as questionable to play, four suffering from nasal congestion and one from “the vapors.”
On Thursday’s conference call, Bills executives told their colleagues to “quit whining” and proposed moving all remaining Buffalo games to Monday nights as the best way to salvage some public interest. “But how many times,” said the NFL insider, “will people tune in to hear [ABC commentator John] Madden gush about the greatest team in the history of the game?”
The proposal considered most likely in the short term involved instructing game officials to do whatever they deemed necessary to keep Bills games competitive, focusing on “judgment” penalties which cannot be reviewed. The league source acknowledged that rigging the games is extreme, but owners believe it’s less likely to be noticed since “the officiating is inconsistent anyway, and Bills fans are already used to blaming any setbacks on the refs.”
Officials in the Bills’ front office would not speak on the record, but one confirmed that there had been “discussion about certain concerns by the usual cry-babies around the league.” He said the team had offered to play its starting lineup only during the first half each week, an idea quickly rejected by other teams since the scenario is already a virtual certainty as Buffalo seeks to avoid injury to a roster packed with future Hall of Famers.
“It’s not like our players are going to get hurt anyway,” said the Bills source, “since most opponents just bounce off them, if they can catch up to them at all. But we have to deal with the risk of tripping over someone and spraining an ankle. It’s a rough game.
“That’s all I can say right now. We’re off to a meeting with city officials about our parade.”
NEW YORK – According to NFL sources, commissioner Paul Tagliabue huddled with team owners and television network executives Thursday on a hastily organized conference call to discuss the implications for TV ratings and revenues of the Buffalo Bills’ inevitable dominance this season.
“Frankly, they’re starting to panic,” said one league official, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “By week five or six, we’re expecting attendance to drop pretty dramatically for most games, as fans start to realize that the Bills are unstoppable. From a business standpoint, this could pretty much ruin the year.”
Just two weeks into the season, the Bills have already posted impressive victories over the Patriots and Jaguars. Those teams finished a combined 15-17 last year and had been widely seen as the most likely spoilers to an undefeated Bills season.
If fans outside Buffalo abandon interest in the NFL, the impact on ticket revenue would be marginal, since so many seats are pre-sold. But attendance would be dismal, forcing television networks to broadcast games played to empty stands and home viewership measured in the thousands.
“Advertisers are getting antsy and asking about renegotiation,” said one Fox Sports executive, who declined to be identified. “We’re already talking to Ron Popeil about running that rotisserie grill infomercial at halftimes, instead of highlights from other meaningless games.”
Network executives are reportedly scrambling to plan for broadcasts which would not show the vast areas of empty seats at stadia nationwide, and with pre-recorded crowd noise edited in. Reportedly, Raiders owner Al Davis suggested distributing tickets to the homeless in order to fill at least one or two sections, which would be used as background for carefully planned camera angles. Davis also proposed recruiting from mental institutions and prisons.
“We already do this in Oakland,” Davis allegedly said, “looking for the nuttiest characters we can find, and it works just fine.” (Raiders officials declined to comment, referring all inquiries to “those league office jerkoffs.”)
Buffalo travels to Miami this week for a nationally televised game Sunday evening. In his Thursday press conference, Dolphins coach Dave Wannstadt angrily denied that the game was a “formality” or that many of his players were “too frightened to show up,” as one Miami newspaper reported. Also Thursday, five Dolphins including Ricky Williams and Jason Taylor were added to the injury list as questionable to play, four suffering from nasal congestion and one from “the vapors.”
On Thursday’s conference call, Bills executives told their colleagues to “quit whining” and proposed moving all remaining Buffalo games to Monday nights as the best way to salvage some public interest. “But how many times,” said the NFL insider, “will people tune in to hear [ABC commentator John] Madden gush about the greatest team in the history of the game?”
The proposal considered most likely in the short term involved instructing game officials to do whatever they deemed necessary to keep Bills games competitive, focusing on “judgment” penalties which cannot be reviewed. The league source acknowledged that rigging the games is extreme, but owners believe it’s less likely to be noticed since “the officiating is inconsistent anyway, and Bills fans are already used to blaming any setbacks on the refs.”
Officials in the Bills’ front office would not speak on the record, but one confirmed that there had been “discussion about certain concerns by the usual cry-babies around the league.” He said the team had offered to play its starting lineup only during the first half each week, an idea quickly rejected by other teams since the scenario is already a virtual certainty as Buffalo seeks to avoid injury to a roster packed with future Hall of Famers.
“It’s not like our players are going to get hurt anyway,” said the Bills source, “since most opponents just bounce off them, if they can catch up to them at all. But we have to deal with the risk of tripping over someone and spraining an ankle. It’s a rough game.
“That’s all I can say right now. We’re off to a meeting with city officials about our parade.”
very creative smack for a phin fan, oh wait a minute you just substituted Bufalo and Bills for miami and Dolphins from an actual miami herald pre-season article! 
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