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Round 1: Big Doug vs. Mr. Miyagi
Round 1 will be freestyle. Do whatever the heck you want. Just make sure it's funny and insulting.
Each contestant will take turns insulting each other. This round will consist of 6 turns apiece.
Mr. Miyagi will go first.
Hey Biggie D! I guess it's between you and me now! Good luck, have fun, and remember no hard feelings.
So whatever happened to that dancing banana avatar you used to have? I thought it was really cute, but what the hell was that supposed to be anyway? A banana named Big Doug with a face on it and shaking back and forth. Did you get the inspiration to design that graphic from your "personal" life? Perhaps one day when you were all alone at home and "giving yourself a treat", you came up with this brilliant idea of "Hey! Maybe I'll just draw a happy face on my little fellow and name it Big Doug!" So of course it was a very nice touch how you added the peeling to the banana, inspired by the fact that the last time you decided to go peeping into the women's bathroom behind the Golden Sunrise Assisted Living Center, you forgot to apply plenty of Coppertone SF2000 on your deathly pale and utterly exposed "Little Doug", and now that it was peeling like a Jaimacan miniature banana on the highway picked over by racoons?
That's cool though, whatever works for you brother. :D
Of course I shouldn't be talking about avatars, since mine isn't exactly Picasso artwork. But hey at least my "NOW HOT DOUGSNUTS" are contained and concealed under my diaper, where as you are openly advertising yours to all the women AND men. Nothing wrong with that. You have to get it from whomever you can, right? Beggers can't be choosers. You don't have to explain, I understand.
I'll pass the buck now. Have fun. :)
I’m glad you managed to sub for that pain in the ass, Ublink, replacing one type of pain with aching, stiffness, fatigue and (sometimes) irritable bowels. But enough about you…let’s cut right to the cheese, start wit me last and let’s talk about the state where you live, Wisconsin.
Fer cripes sake, how's-by-you ? Cheeseheads are really wannabe Canadians, we’re just slightly upnort of you so if we ever met, we could drink a couple-two-tree beers with your next door neighbour, Delmer, then head down to the Farm & Fleet to buy your wife some long underwear for summer. No trap door necessary, because you ain’t getting any for a while.
(Hey NBF, speakin’ Cheesehead is a lot like speakin’ Newfie, Lord ‘tunderin Jeezus)
Mr. Myalgia trying to make some coin last year at the Frozen Tundra
http://www.cheddarheadpackhouston.com/gopack.gif
Hey Doug! Nice to have you finally show up, eh? I was beginning to wonder what had happened to you, maybe all the Newfoundland 1/2 hour time difference got you all confused. That was a pretty good imitation of a Minnesota accent, but I don't think we talk like that here in Wisconsin. But hey, Wisconsin Minnesota, what's the difference, right? It's just another US state, like Canada.
Personally I have nothing against the people in Canada. I'm sure behind all those unintelligable French-Canadian idiotic accents speaking half broken French and half broken English, they're all very nice people, eh? When it comes down to it, Canada is essentially a peace-loving (too chicken ***** to stick their necks out for what they believe) version of the United States. They love to copy everything American, even down to the currency. The British have Pounds, the Europeans have Euros, even the French have their own money in Francs. But what is Canadian money? Oh, the Canadian Dollar. It's just like the US Dollar only worth less.
In fact, even the coins weigh less than American coins. When you try to put a Canadian quarter into a soda machine, it spits the damn thing right back out like it's yelling at you: "you cheap skate trying to jip this poor old soda machine with this worthless coin. I'm just a soda machine, all I have to live for is selling soda and barely scraping by with those couple of quarters, and you cheap bastard is trying to rip me off with that piece of crap excuse for a quarter?"
Have you ever tried to pay for anything in the US with Canadian coins? First, you feel like you're passing on funny money with the word "GUILTY" written all over your face. Then when your little trick is discovered, the merchants give you a look as if you just gave them a piece of dirty fingernail clipping. The funniest part is, no one ever actually rejects it and asks for a real quarter. There's this awkwardness hanging in the air like someone just farted, everyone smells it, but no one wants to discuss it. Just hold your breath, keep your mouth shut and pretend it didn't happen. We'll pass it right back on to another idiot later.
But did I mention I like the people? :D
Sorry, Mr Milanta, I must have mistook my sources, Lenny & Squiggy for Cheeseheads, so I apologize. I really shouldn’t misrepresent the fine, cheese-lovin’ citizens of Wisconsin as Minnesotans. You obviously went to the Carmine Ragusa School of Charm & Grace, maybe that’s the reason you sew a scripted “L” on all your blouses (or was that on your forehead) ?
You’re just upset about Canadian coins after the unfortunate Milwaulkee pay-toilet incident that left you literally holding the bag. After all was said and done (all over the floor), good thing your college spring-break training as a cross-dressing limbo dancer allowed you to gain entry to a stall if only to gain some privacy while he added to his krispy kreme collection on the ceiling above.
Oh yeah, good ol’ Lenny & Squiggy. But where are your manners mister? They’re Daddy Ð and Mommy Ð to you. Or are they Mommy and Daddy? It’s hard to tell when both of them talk and look the same. When the three of you walk down the street people think you’re unisex triplets.
By the way, what’s this Ð bit supposed to be? Is it a letter of the French-Canadian alphabet? I can just see little Ð coming home from school all excited,
“Mama! Dada! I learned the alphabet song today in school! A-B-C-D-E…..”
“Ð!! In this US state we have our very own culture, and c’est Ah-Be-Ce-De-Er!”
I mean is it supposed to be the letter D with an accent aigu over it? Actually I looked it up, and it’s an abbreviation of an old French word meaning “Ðumber than a pile of Ðecomposing Ðonkey Ðung.” In fact, true to its meaning, it’s pronounced “Ðuh,” in French, French-Canadian, AND English. Isn’t it nice to know that your given name has such a deep meaning so fitting to your character?
Who's peekin' up from
Under a stairway
Filming upskirts
From behind a tree?
Who's bendin' down to
Get three more pictures?
Everyone knows it's Miagi.
Who's trippin' down the
Streets of the city
Smiling at the young ladies he meets?
Who’s grabbing ass on the A-train subway?
Everyone knows it's Miagi.
And Miagi served eight to ten
Got out early to re-offend
And Miagi has mirrors all tied
Above his shoes
Above his shoes.
And with his Sony Infrared upskirt cam
Against court orders, he’s on the lam
He’s BFZ’s best stalker, man
Better than Phil.
Ublink, just chill.
Miagi escaped from the institution
Smilin' at those young girls on the street
He can’t help it, he’s mildly psychotic
Everyone knows it's Miagi.
:lol:
That just brought tears to my eyes Big Doug. I was so moved by that beautiful poem, written with such passion and desire, as if I was walking down memory lane once again. Wow, I hadn’t been so touched by poetry since 6th grade, remember that time during recess? Fat Lizzy gathered up everyone and proceeded to recite aloud her poem written especially for you, “Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Ugly Dougy wants a piece of me, and all I have to say is F**k You!” Oh boy. You must have been so humiliated. I felt so sorry for you as you began to cry like a little red headed girl who just got her bra strap snapped, but it was especially moving when other kids discovered that there were streams of yellowish fluid dripping through your Wonder Woman shorts right down your legs. The only reason I had not stepped in to defend you was because I was a little angry that I got splashed by the puddle under your feet as you turned and ran away in tears screaming “No fair!” Sorry I wish I could’ve been there for you Doug.
Oh wait. I forgot. Didn’t that happen in college? That’s right! And it was Fat Lenny!
Ever since that time you’ve never been the same again. I remember you told me that your parents had to send you to see this nice old man in bifocals and a white robe 3 times a week to “talk about your problems”. You had to lie there on his couch without your clothes on, and he would give you a “relaxation massage”, as you described to me. I always wondered about that “therapist” and his odd techniques until recently I heard his name in a joke on the Jay Leno Show. It was really terrible what happened to you Doug. I hope you realize that you suffer from childhood psychological trauma and don’t ever blame yourself for having those constant arousing thoughts about Felix the Cat and that Dopey character in Snow White. We understand. It’s not your fault. Just try to be careful about those “sleepovers” you do with the kiwis and empty Yoohoo bottles. You wouldn’t want to have to explain that to the nice nurses in the hospital.
(Sung to the tune of Barry Manilow’s Mandy)
Oh Jaded
When you’re around, I up my medication
But they sent me away
Oh Jaded
When I see those lame guys that you’re datin’
You seem to prefer gays
Oh Jaded
Oh Jaded
I have pictures of you from Miami
On my bedroom wall
Oh Jaded
Can I get a few more in your jammies ?
It’s for you I’d fall
Oh Jaded
Oh Jaded
My bum stinks, don’t you think it needs changin’
I need my mommy today
Oh Jaded
My shock therapy schedule needs re-arrangin’
That’s what all the zoners say
Oh Jaded
Oh Jaded
It’s a good thing for the restraining order
‘Cause I’d be right there
Oh Jaded
I’m not allowed past the Wisconsin border
In my underwear
Oh Jaded
Hmmm. It’s a nice song and all (and who doesn’t just love Barry Manilow??) but I think it might be safe to say that you’re not exactly bucking for Jaded’s vote?
D you clearly have some potential to be a lyrics writer, so maybe when Millie Vanillie reunite you can give them a call. In the meantime I suppose you can start with some freelance work for the crew of Barney the “lovable” Purple Dinosaur. I also hear that Billy Mays is looking for a commercial jingle writer for his new amazing product, Sparkling Duckling the Orange Toilet Bowl Cleaner. That may just be your one big shot to a fruitful and rewarding career. You’ll never know.
Speaking of ducks, I recently heard a vicious rumor that you, well let’s just say, prefer the intimate companionship of mammals other than the fellow human beings? With all the respect I had for you, I immediately discredited such nonsense heresay. But after some thorough investigation, to my horror I discovered the hidden message in your avatar.
Say it ain’t so Doug!!!
Speaking of pigs & cows, do us all a favor & leave your high school dates out of this.
Mr. Miyagi is a shining example of how the unemployed can make something out themselves. I’m glad you picked yourself off the floor, got that college education and are making good money as an engineer. It must have been a tough choice after you lost your job at the sheep farm because too many of them started looking like you.
I’m also glad you settled down & found that special [I]porpoise[I] in life. Say hello to Mrs. Flipper for me, would ya ?
As a final, parting gift, I wrote another song as an ode to your receding hairline
(and no, I’m not talking about 200 rabbits hopping backwards).
I want a new rug
One that’s nice & thick
So I can cruise town in my mini-van
And hopefully pick up chicks
I want a new rug
On the top of my head
My sex life’s been zero for 4 years
‘Cause my pee-pee’s dead
One that I can wear swimming
Not worrying it’ll fall off
I hope that I can see more action now
Than at my doctor: “turn & coughâ€
So Big Doug, huh? Exactly why did you choose to call yourself Big Doug? How big are you anyway? They have policitically correct terms for people with appearance issues, such as “plus size” for the fat, “vertically challenged” for the short, and “thinning hair” for the bald. But since in your case you fit the terms for all of the above, they made a new term just for you: “Brunswick bowling ball.” Not that there’s anything wrong with it.
I sincerely sympathize with you and wish that I could offer some helpful suggestions. But first let me ask you a few questions:
1. When they say “cut down on the sweets”, do you think they’re referring to simply cutting the 2 dozen Krispy Kreme treats in half bites before devouring all of them?
2. When you switch from regular Pepsi to Diet Pepsi, do you still drink them a 12 pack at a time?
3. Do you find yourself at a dilemma between approaching straight forward and sideways when you walk through an airport metal detector?
4. Do you wonder why there are always plenty of empty seats around you on a plane, and yet it’s always packed full of people on the other end of the airplane?
5. Have you always had to ask the flight attendant if you can use their demo piece of seat belt for extra length?
6. Have you ever been pulled over by the police for forgetting to wear your bright yellow pants with the message “Wide Load” on them?
7. Do they even make pants big enough for you, or is your closet filled with bottomless 50 gallon buckets on suspenders?
8. When was the last time you even saw your “dougnuts?”
It’ll be your first step to recovery when you can honestly answer all these questions. I wish you luck.
Miyagi was afraid to come out of the lock-up
At Kenosha State Penitentiary
Bubba wanted to make him his prison-*****
His last *****, Bubba broke into three
(One, two, three, four, tell them what Bubba made him wore)
It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini
That he wore for the first time today.
An itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini
So in the lock-up, he wanted to stay.
(Two, three, four, stick around we'll tell you more)
Miyagi was afraid to come out in the open
And so he stood in his cell & he shook
Bubba asked him to take off his bikini
But was skairt when he got a look
(Five, six, seven, eight, Miyagi’s VD saved the day)
It was his itsy bitsy teenie weenie purple polka-dotted weenie
Bubba turned tail, you swear he would hurl
His itsy bitsy teenie weenie purple polka-dotted weenie
That saved Miyagi from getting changed to a girl
Good Job! The polls are open until 12 midnight eastern time.
I do believe the match is over now.
Great job Doug. You too are a very very worthy opponent. :hi5:
One of the best matches so far!!! Tough decision but Mr. Miyagi gets the nod by just a hair (even though the ode to Jaded almost turned the tide :lol: )
:rofl:
Close vote, just like the contest. ;)
I voted for myself 5 times. :D
We're going down the wire Biggie D.:eek:
Not fair putting you guys against each other, I wish you could both advance.
Dang, that was close.
Way to go, Miyagi! Now go kick some ass!
Yikes!
Thanks D. :) Either one of us could've won it!Quote:
Originally posted by Ð
Way to go, Miyagi! Now go kick some ass!