Kinigirly's diary

[Dozerdog]

Now it makes all the sense in the world........

http://www.fullduplex.org/tardblog/

#18: Supermarket serves fresh tard:

I was going through the supermarket around 12:00AM last night. I usually shop late at night, as there is less of a chance of bumping into anyone I know. I was going through frozen food section, when I see one of my tards on the other side of the freezer glass, mashed in between packages of frozen corn and peas. He was smiling and fogging up the window while beating on the glass and saying "Miss Hammon!" over and over.
I'm think to myself, "What a ****ed up supermarket--they serve frozen tard."

After that I thought, "Were the hell are his parents?". I was relieved to find that it was one of the push open kinds of freezer doors as he let himself out and walked over to me. I told him what he was doing is very dangerous and he could suffocate. This agitated him, and he consequently told me I was a **** and that he thought I would like the surprise. He then spit on the floor and walked away.

I never found out if he was with his parents or not.

[Dozerdog]

Re: Kinigirly's diary

#20: The Tard Crusher:

It’s surprisingly difficult for most of my students to really injure themselves. Most of them don’t have the manual dexterity to open their crayon boxes, never the less stab themselves with giant tard pencils. The majority of injuries are caused by inanimate objects that the tards tend to fall on, the edge of a cabinet, the floor, a table leg, etc. It’s for this reason that I try to keep furniture in my room well spaced out. This tends to make things safe and wheelchair accessible.

There is one piece of furniture however, that no matter where I put it it is unsafe. I like to call this beast, “The Tard Crusher”. It is a giant, green, five-drawer filing cabinet that must be from the early 19th century. The edges are sharp, the thing weighs a ton, it always teeters and rocks as if it is about to fall, and best of all, the non-locking drawers slide open easily and slam closed even easier. Why do I have this archaic tard mutilation device you ask? Well it’s the only ****ing filing cabinet the school will give me. I have to keep all my records somewhere, and despite numerous requests they simply won’t give me another filing cabinet.

Just to give you and idea of how much I hate this piece of ****. Let me tell you some of the things it has done to my students and me:

1. The first day I got it, one of the drawers slammed shut on my finger as I was putting the files in. We’re not talking about any little bruise or tiny cut either, I bleed for a good couple of minutes, before the butterfly bandage the nurse gave me even helped.

2. A while ago, Jason ran into the cabinet full speed and fell flat on his back. I don’t consider this the cabinet’s fault, as Jason is a dumb **** and that’s what he gets for running around the classroom, but then the bottom drawer slid open and clocked the poor kid in the head while he was lying on the ground in front of it. It was almost as if the drawer was consciously punishing him.

3. The class used to have a fish bowl on top of the cabinet with African claw frogs in it. One time, one of the cabinet legs bent in and the fish bowl fell on the floor. It took me most of that morning to calm down the tards.

4. A strap to one of Malcolm’s cushions got caught on the sharp edge of a partially opened drawer. Malcolm flipped out and started trying to get away as fast as his chair could carry him. The cabinet began to tip towards him, but luckily one of my aids grabbed the cabinet before it could topple onto him. The cushion from his chair was torn out, but Malcolm lived.

[SabreEleven]

Re: Kinigirly's diary

Read what Kini is thinking? I don't know if that is a world I want to enter.

[Dozerdog]

Re: Kinigirly's diary

I guess the Tards watched the draft

#21: New computer isn’t “Tard-proof”:

The administration of my school in their infinite wisdom decided it would be a good idea to give our classroom a new computer.
Never mind the fact that we have a filing cabinet that is older than any of the staff, and has a history of trying to kill my students. They decided not to replace that, but instead replace our perfectly functional computer. If I sound bitter, it’s because I am, but the administration soon learned the error of their ways.

Our classroom originally had an Apple IIe computer. The tards were allowed computer time as a reward for doing something correctly, i.e.. going a full day without swearing, not hitting anyone for a week, not ****ting their pants, etc.

This computer was very simple to use. The aids put a game disk in the drive and turned the computer on. Most of the tards who manage to get computer time know how to mash the space and enter keys, and that tends to be all that their games require. This computer never gave us a problem, other than occasionally having to pull **** out of the keyboard or turn it off and back on again because it got dropped. It managed to sustain drool, temper tantrums, flying objects, and repeated unplugging.

The same could not be said for our new computer. First of all we had to get all new games. The tards didn’t like this. It was frustrating enough for them to learn how to play the games the first time, having to do it twice was just unthinkable. This lead to a general dislike of the new computer amongst the tards.

One day Leigh saw one of my aids insert a CD-ROM into the CD drive to install a program. As soon as the aid turned her back Leigh had hit the eject button and slammed her hand on the tray hard enough to break it.

This made the situation much worse. Not only didn’t the tards like the new games, but we couldn’t even install them. After disciplining Leigh (she lost computer time indefinitely), I called the librarian (our schools PC technician) to tell her what happened. She said she would bring down a new CD-ROM and install it around lunch time. I asked her if we could have our old computer back, and she told me that the new one was far better, and I should really forget about the old one. This pissed me off. No librarian ***** is going to tell me what’s best for my class. I decided it was about time Jason got some computer time.

It took Jason about 3 minutes of frustration before he kicked the monitor off the table and hit the computer with his chair. Apparently he couldn’t figure out how to get the games started. The librarian gave us back our old computer because the cost of replacing our new one was just too much. Jason got punished, I took away his computer time indefinitely, or more specifically until I need another computer smashed.

[kinigirly]

Re: Kinigirly's diary

you know sadly the only part of that story that needs to change is that the kid would spit ON me not at me. then strip naked and punch me 20 times and leave bite marks on my arms and laugh. but in all seriousness YES that is a very accurate diary entry!!

[Dozerdog]

Re: Kinigirly's diary

12/17: Tard nearly ruins date
This is where I draw the ****ing line. What happened to me last night was not part of the contract I signed.

I am at the grocery store with a guy I go out with sometimes. He had been studying abroad for the last year, so I was really excited to see him. We are getting beer to take to a Christmas party that we are going to, the location of which happened to be in the area of the school that I work in.

We are walking to the beer aisle, and I spot one of my tards pushing a grocery cart. He is with his mom and brother. All I want is for me to get the beer and get the hell out. I really didn't want to talk to them or subject my date to them. We make it to the beer aisle, pick up some Heinekens, and head for the checkout.

We are standing in line to pay when I hear a scream and a familiar voice yell "I love you Miss [Sped]!".

I think about turning around, but am suddenly rammed hard from behind with the shopping cart. I had to grab the conveyor belt thing to keep from barreling over. The tard then starts hugging me tightly, while screaming "I love you Miss [Sped]!" This continues for at least a full minute.

My date is dying--he is laughing so ****ing hard that he is doubled over. People are staring at me and the tard that is embracing me and yelling. The checker has stopped checking and his full attention is focused on the tard and I. I cannot stop wondering where the **** his mom is.

I know the solution to get him to calm down. But I am out with this amazing guy. I don't wanna do it. I really don't. But I realize the tard will not shut up and get off of me until I do...

Quietly, I start singing "The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round......."

My date is absolutely dying. Almost crying. But the tard shut the **** up, and we got out of there, no ******s attached to me.

[Dozerdog]

Re: Kinigirly's diary

I can read these things all day!!!

[kinigirly]

Re: Kinigirly's diary

Read what Kini is thinking? I don't know if that is a world I want to enter.

you're being quite a ***** today you know that?

[clumping platelets]

Re: Kinigirly's diary

you know sadly the only part of that story that needs to change is that the kid would spit ON me not at me. then strip naked and punch me 20 times and leave bite marks on my arms and laugh.

This is commonly referred to as foreplay

[kinigirly]

Re: Kinigirly's diary

dozer this is exactly what happens to me on a daily basis...just tweak it up a little with more humor and gross behaviors. i'll start logging my fun and send you a weekly diary!

[Dozerdog]

Re: Kinigirly's diary

I nthink he needs his computer priveledges revolked like the other bad tards

[Dozerdog]

Re: Kinigirly's diary

dozer this is exactly what happens to me on a daily basis...just tweak it up a little with more humor and gross behaviors. i'll start logging my fun and send you a weekly diary!

Awesome!


Now for legal reasons- please change the names. Just refer to them as Mikey, Phil, and Hammerbillsfan

[clumping platelets]

Re: Kinigirly's diary

[Dozerdog]

Re: Kinigirly's diary

#8: Tard likes fire

When you teach tards, you get used to hearing certain noises. Moaning, yelping, or someone's leg repeatedly hitting the desk. Usually I don't stop teaching to tell the tard to be quiet, if I did that my lessons would never end. Instead I tend to continue talking loud enough for everyone else to hear. I've learned to recognize unusual sounds above the normal din of tard mayhem.

While going over our new picture problem book with the class I started to hear an unusual "flicking" sound. I glanced around the desk area to see if anyone looks particularly suspicious. The flicking stops. As soon as I look at the book and start reading again, the flicking continues.

This is the kind of **** that you tend to recognize as trouble, so I stop the class and I ask who is making the noise. No one admits anything so I continue reading. Just then out of the corner of my eye I see an orange flash.

I quickly look over and I see Angelo stuffing a flaming piece of paper into his desk. I race over and tell him to get away from his desk. Angelo responds "Why?"

By this point there is smoke coming out of the inside of the desk, and Angelo is sitting there asking me why he should ****ing leave. I grab him by the collar and pull him away from the desk. I then kick over the desk, knocking the flaming papers out of it and stamp them out.

Luckily nothing else caught fire. I ask Angelo how he set the paper on fire, his response, "It just happened."

"Accidents like this don't just happen" I respond, and he says "Must be bad paper".

It was hard for me not to laugh at this point. Angelo honestly expects me to buy the spontaneously combusting yellow school paper theory.

I have him empty his pockets and I find a lighter. After further investigation I find out that he found it on the playground. This might be true, or he might have brought it from home. Either way he won three days of out of school suspension, and the honor of having me inspect his book bag and pockets when he arrives in the morning and when he comes back from recess. Someone really needs to invent a metal-detector-like device that can scan tards for dangerous ****.

[Dozerdog]

Re: Kinigirly's diary

Angelo=

#13: Tard loses fight:

Angelo was walking towards the coat room today, when he clipped one of the classroom tables with his hip. Feeling slighted, he cursed at the table and swung his leg to kick the corner he'd bumped into. He missed the table leg by inches and sent his foot smashing into the underside of the table. He screamed and bent down to grab his toes, banging his head against the topside of the table.

At this point Angelo started crying, fell on his butt, and started trying to take his shoe off. He leaned forward to untie his shoe and hit his forehead against the edge of the table. After this he just curled up into a ball. I have never seen a tard lose a fight with an inanimate object quite as badly as this.