Ladies and Gentlemen. I know those OTHER wishful thinkers may be clouding your judgement with haphazard wishes of general tom foolery and gadabout reform. Sure, they might have stainless steel fridges, or offer promises of better times for your genital region, hell, maybe they'll even buy you a soda.
But, my fellow zoners. I ask nothing of you. I come to you with little to no clue as to why this election has even transpired. But I will tell you this. The other candidates are liars. Yep, that's right. Just like every other politician. Sure, they may promise you a good spaghetti meal, but did they actually make the sauce? No, they probably bought while it was on sale as a 2-for-1 deal at Costco.
My fellow zoners, I ask you this. Are any of the other candidates strong like bull? Have they ever eaten frogs legs? Have they ever swum in 3 different oceans, or perhaps wrestled with sharks? Have they ever gone two weeks without showering? Have they ever seen a polar bear and live to tell about it? How about climed a rock face 10+ meters in hight, VERTICALLY? Have they ever been pummeled by a 90 year old senior citizen whilst riding a bike down a city street? Have they ever been struck in the skull with a heavy metal object and lived to tell about it? Can they successfully take on multiple drugs, alcoholic drinks, and sexual partners all at once and still operate a 10 ton machine? How about any broken bones? Ever had 'em. I doubt it. You can't break bones typing online all day - or maybe you can, who knows, but I doubt it. Highly doubt it. Plainly put, these candidates have NO EXPERIENCE.
I am like a virtual Mike Rowe. I can do the dirty jobs, and do them quite well.
Listen folks. Our economy is in shambles. Our variable interest rate on zone deposits is at an all time low. Haberdashery is at an all time high. Meanwhile, new-comer-do-nothins continue to litter our fan boards while offering nothing to society other than copy cat crimes of multiple threadery. I ask you, do you want a candidate who can store your recently purchased grocery items at a controllable 32 degrees in a fancy steel fridge? Do you want a candidate who promises ravaging good times in your underpants? Or do you want a guy from Louisiana who might just posrep you every now and then even though he probably doesn't even mean it and wants to crush you like a tin can? I know I don't.
Why, just last night myself and 3 other gingers were all promptly asked to sit at the back of the airplane. We were the only 3 gingers on the flight. Then, to top it off, after the other members of my flight had been served with both snacks and beverages, I was only offered a beverage - Water. If that doesn't scream racism I don't know what does. If I can battle through these evil forces and still prosper, I know I can help you too.
I want change. I want prosperity. I want your vote. If I don't get it, I will take it. I promise you that my friends.
Originally Posted by jfreeman
BERNIAC! 
