FINAL: Round 1: lordofgun defeats Ebenezer 23-8

[lordofgun]

Round 1: lordofgun vs. Ebenezer

Round 1 will be freestyle. Do whatever the heck you want. Just make sure it's funny and insulting.

Each contestant will take turns insulting each other. This round will consist of 6 turns apiece.

Ebenezer will go first.

[Ebenezer]

LOG, you know you have a serious problem when you have a wife that looks like yours and you spend your time thinking up Survivor games and insult contests to entertain yourself. How did you get to make little LOG?? Bribery or alcohol??? Or did you need to produce a kid to stay in the country?

[lordofgun]

Complimenting my wife? Thanks for the head start.

I have a better idea. Let's talk about how much you suck.

You're shorter than shelby. Even if you had hair on your head, you'd barely brush the underside of a midget's manhood.

You married an old bag. What is she 15 years older than you? Funny how you always want to see pictures of my wife, yet you've never once brought your wife to a draft party, let alone whip out a snapshot.

Come to think of it, I bet you're not even married. And this crap about a son? Please. Everyone knows you're Clump's lover.

[Ebenezer]

FYI, my wife was at the party we had before the home opener last year but unlike Mrs. LOG at the draft party last year, she didn't fall asleep. So sad, Mrs. LOG sitting by herself nodding off while you debated the advantages of using photon torpedos as compared to phasers. Shame.

And as far as being Clump's lover, you are sadly mistaken. In fact, all I know is last time I dropped your mom off at his place you were walking out whipping your chin.

Look, isn't it about time you got your afternoon nap in. We can send by some oatmeal and Ensure, unless of course, you're eating the Little LOG's rice cereal again. Oh, by the way, the test results came back. It's official. He's not mine but your wife thanked me anyway for that one night of pleasure as opposed to your 35 second outbursts. As few as they have been.

[lordofgun]

Sorry it took me so long to reply, QT. I was busy grading your song lyrics. Remind me to kill myself.

I hope you don't mind me calling you QT. Clump doesn't seem to think you mind. You travel to games together, ride in the same car, check each others' schedules, you're both capologists, have lunch dates every week, and have season tickets together. It's sweet, it really is. But I have to admit the kitten stuff freaks me out a bit.

I hear you guys make love to the meow mix song.

[Ebenezer]

Man, all these cat references. You're fixated man. At least I know what a real p***y looks like. Remind how you got to see one...once. BTW, tell your wife to shave it a little. The overgrowth is so bad you need a sickle to clear it.

Speaking of clearing fields I thought I saw you out in the back 40 the other day. Sorry, you can't pitch a tent anywhere you please. I know you really like the water coming out of our septic but the town has an ordinance about subletting greenspace. Go back home to Horseheads and take a big gulp. That should hold you over until we figure out a way to hook up a direct line from my septic to your faucet.

[lordofgun]

Let’s take a look at the highlights of Eb’s life:

April 23, 1965 – Eb is born

September 2, 1978 – Eb begins middle school where he meets Clump for the first time.

October 17, 1980 – Eb realizes he has a penis and is horrified.

December 25, 1981 – After 14 months of relentless pursuit, Eb convinces Clump to drop his girlfirend and become his “life partner.” Eb (aka QT) and Clump exchange custom embroidered scratching posts and have been together ever since.

February 4, 1982 – Eb goes bald

February 5, 1982 – Eb gets fat

December 3, 1983 – Eb wanted to go to a genesis concert at the Aud

May 11, 2003 - Eb decides he loves to drink Dr. Pepper.

May 12, 2003 - lordofgun reminds Eb that no one cares.

[Ebenezer]

First off, the septic guys will be here on Thursday. They can bottle the stuff in my tank and deliver it right to your house. You'll owe me $2.99 a bottle. Payment in full is expected upon delivery. And this time I'm not accepting zonebucks.

Now on with the show. All you can do is keep banging on the "Eb and CP" thing. Look, even in an LSD-induced nightmare, if I lined up behind CP to "watch Hockey Night in Canada together" I'd bump into your scrawny ass 'cause you'd already be sharing the experience with CP.

Then you break out the chronology bit. So what if most of your facts are wrong?? You seem bothered by my baldness and weight more than I am. Why's that? And stop contradicting yourself. How could CP be my life partner if I "married an old bag" as you said in your first post...It's only three posts into the first round, try to stay consistant.

You know I thought of giving you credit for a brain but the drivel you come up with is juvenile and reminds me of something that ublink or Brian H would come up with. So, why don't the three of you put your allowances together and go share a Playboy.

[lordofgun]

This from a guy who brings a briefcase to the draft party. Freaking dork.

Thanks for recapping my last post. Most people aren't stupid enough to need it though. Aren't you supposed to insult me?

So I drink your poo? Hilarious. You've got this one in the bag.

I could just see you out in front of your "new house" sitting by the road with the sign Eb's poo! Only $2.99! Good luck with that.

Just to set the record straight, not one of your posts has EVER entertained me. Not one. I seriously doubt anyone has ever even cracked a smile at something you posted. It actually hurts to read your idiot posts. Come to think of it, I'd rather drink your poo than click on your threads. Does your life partner have to listen to this crap too? No wonder CP wants you to pretend you're a cat! SHUT UP AND PURR, QT!

[Ebenezer]

You don't understand my posts?? Sorry! Is it my fault you went to school in frikkin' Horseheads?? If you don't understand humor it might just be the lack of a spark plug in your crank case...

Speaking of Horseheads High, I had to check out their website. Remedial Comic Book Literature?? Come on. Even the dump I went to dropped that course in favor of Modern Politcal One-Liners.

LOG, it's not surprising that you had to start this website. How many times do I have to tell you that you have the athletic prowess of a nostril full of green snot. You should be thankful that at last year's opening day tailgate that most everybody was drunk. It was really pathetic, you trying to catch that nerf ball with a 9 year old. There you were, putting your arms out, 4 feet apart, looking like a big doughnut. He'd keep hitting you in the chest and you were so discouraged because you couldn't catch one. When the time comes for LOG Jr. to play Pop Warner maybe they'll give you a lesson too.

As far as upkeep of this site, you're about as useful as a rotting corpse to survivors of a plane crash in the arctic. I hear back in Horseheads that you were so incompetent they wouldn't even let you work the fryer at a McDonalds. Tell me again. How did you fail the picture menu portion of the test? Every grammar school dropout has the right to be stupid, but you abused the privilege!

[lordofgun]

Oh, I understand your posts, I just don't find them remotely entertaining, funny, insightful, etc. But we've already gone over how much your posts suck.

The only thing I have ever learned from your clinical depression that you call a life, is not to get old.

If I'm not athletic, you're FAT BASTARD, minus about 3 feet. But you probably don't understand what I just said since you haven't been to the movie theatre since 1980 when you saw your crush, John Travolta, in Urban Cowboy.

I'm sorry you felt left out at the tailgate. I probably should have been nice and played catch with you. It's just that I had a brand new football, and I didn't want it to get lost in your navel.

[Ebenezer]

Two days of reading your drivel... If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart. Speaking of stink... Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching what's left of my hair. The EPA will be here soon to see what kind of toxic waste resides in your lungs.

I had this dream that I was a kid walking on the beach and there was this big bleached out LOG lying in the sand. I thought it was thrown ashore by the tide but that was just your natural appearance. Well, anyway, the people standing around you all said to keep back because whatever you had was contagious. When they sent you down to Emergency Room they found out it was nothing more than dullness...but that it rubs off. To this day, you post from the basement of your parents home. Living in isolation and visited once a day by your wife. The compassionate thing she is, keeping your spirit alive. Just remember her community service ends in September.

I have to say hanging around you is educational...after meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest. But, you are a product of your parent's genetics! Now send them $1.38 and call the account even. Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth? It is true, we are a product of our ancestors. Yours must number in the millions; it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you. BTW, as an outsider, what do you think of the human race? You keep telling us you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame! I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

So, I guess the contest is over... Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends, ask them to vote and bring back some change!

[lordofgun]

I heard all those jokes last year. You forgot to remind me to kill myself.

Since you brought up the subject of contribution to the site, let's discuss you. There isn't much positive to discuss, so let's go straight to all the things you suck at.

1. Up my flagpole: Quite simply, no one cares. It would be one thing if you were famous or at least if people knew who the crap you were. Then your opinion might mean something. No one cares that you're angry. No one cares what bugs you. All anyone cares is that you shut your hole.

2. Outside the Zone: Yet another column you started and quit. You keep saying how terrible everything is in Western NY. Well, Eb, it's because of people like you who start something and never finish it. It's because of people like you who complain, whine, and moan instead of getting off their rear end and actually make a difference. And no one cares about curling on a Bills Site. I shudder at the thought that we actually published that piece of crap. A BrianH and BillsOwnAll point-counterpoint article would be easier to read and comprehend.

3. You're a terrible mod. Hey Eb, instead of whining to the rest of the mods about how this person and that person are terrible, and how this and that broke the TOS, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. You're about as effective now as you would be if you didn't own a computer. Thank God for Rent-A-Center, eh?

4. Everyone knows Clump is the real capologist. Freaking wanna-be. Every time you give an "update" on the cap, Clump has to correct you. We keep you around as a favor to every other capologist on the face of the earth...they say your mistakes are good for a laugh. I don't know why Clump keeps you around....oh wait, yes I do.

[lordofgun]

Good game ebby! Voting closes at midnight tonight.

[THATHURMANATOR]

I would like to see what the mods say about me behind closed doors!