FINAL: SEMIFINALS: gunzlingr and Mr. Miyagi tie at 13, go to tiebreaker round

[lordofgun]

SEMIFINALS: gunzlingr vs. Mr. Miyagi

Round 3 will be a combo round. It will consist of limericks, one-liners, yo' momma jokes, freestyle, and 8-mile.
<ul>
<li>By now you should know what a limerick is.
<li>A one-liner should be just one sentence long.
<li>Yo' momma jokes should be original, not looked up on the internet.
<li>8-mile style should be a rap-style rhyming insult. Medium length. You don't have to make up choruses and crap if you don't want. Just make it funny and insulting.
<li>FREESTYLE is anything you want.

There will be a total of 5 insult posts per contestant. Contestants will alternate posts in the fashion below:

Here is how the SEMIFINAL round will go:

1st post from each contestant: FreeStyle
2nd post from each contestant: yo' momma jokes
3rd post from each contestant: limerick
4th post from each contestant: one-liner
5th post from each contestant: 8-mile style

IMPORTANT: You should write ONLY what is instructed in each post, NOTHING ELSE! Voters should deduct points for any words typed or pictures inserted which are not a part of a limerick, one-liner, etc..

And remember, no editing your post once it's submitted!

gunzlingr will go first. (margin of victory was equal, so we go with least number of votes for.)

[Gunzlingr]

Well, well, well, if it isn't Mr. Miyagi, famed world traveller, posterboy for Gonnorhea, the world's first living abortion, and she-man about town.

I was a bit worried that this could be a tough match, but then I realized that you lived in Wisconsin, land of cow shIIt and beer farts, and realized my fears were unfounded. Speaking of Wisconsin, how is your sister... err I mean wife and my kids doing anyway? Last time I seen her she was going down faster than George Michael in a crowded rest area.

While we are on the subject of your wife, I found your engagement photo:

I can tell by the smile on your face that she must have said yes (or make it $50 and we have a deal, as you yourself have admitted)

How are you handling rehab? I understand that heroin is tough to beat. Thank God for methodone clinics, huh? I hope that you weren't sharing needles with crazy Larry under the bridge by the 7-11. I hear that he has hepatitus, that would complicate the treatment of the genital warts he gave you.

Well, I better let you get back to work, those aluminum cans don't collect themselves!

[Mr. Miyagi]

Oh boy isn’t it gunzlinger from South Dakota I’m up against. I know I know I’m a little late responding to your post, but you need to hold on to your panties. They’re weggied so far up your butt the lacy edge of them are sticking out of your nose. All your proctologist has to do is grab the tip of it and yank it out of your nostril like magician pulling a handkerchief out of a hat. “Dah-da! It’s the Amazing Willie and his panties out of nostril trick!” Ouch that’s gotta hurt. But then again, it probably wouldn’t be too uncomfortable for you to have your colon flossed, since your anal canal area is so regularly used as breeding grounds by the homeless and the Humane Society, you probably wouldn’t feel a thing. In fact, on your 18th birthday the present your parents gave you was a tattoo of the word “Enter” on your left butt cheek and the word “Here” on the right.

So how is it going? Are you still “the sweetie” of your trailer park? I can imagine so since you seem to have all that time during the day to hover over your computer, while all your Johns are either still passed out drunk in their trailers or actually working at the local adult bookstores as janitors, cleaning out the walls and floors of those peep booths. But I probably shouldn’t expect any replies from you after the sun goes down though, since I know you’ll be hustling the streets and the trailer park for business, sometimes even tag-teaming with your mom and your sister. What is it that you call it? The “family package”? That’s right. It’s half off on Family Nights, right? The Gunzlinger household turns the term “a loving family” into “a family of lovin’.”

By the way, what is there at all in South Dakota? There’s nothing but a bunch of lowlife hillbillies and Mount Rushmore, and that’s just a big ol’ rock. You know why they put Mount Rushmore there in South Dakota? Because they want to honor those Presidents and let Rest In Peace by putting them somewhere where there’s absolutely NOTHING going on. Now that’s peaceful for you. You know why no one has ever met in person anyone from South Dakota? Because either people will never admit they’re from South Dakota, or they never even get out of the state. Even Ted Kaczynski the Unabomber would rather hide in Montana instead of South Dakota because IT’S TOO BORING!!! Gosh he wouldn’t want to be bored to death before actually launching a few attacks you know.

[Gunzlingr]

Yo' momma is so smelly, she uses dead animals as air fresheners.

[Mr. Miyagi]

Yo' mama is so dumb, when she goes into a voting booth and they close the curtain, she takes off her clothes and waits for the doctor to come in.

[Gunzlingr]

Miyagi's man boobs are beginning to sag
when he walks or runs they begin to wag
He asked Gregg Williams for advice
There was no need for him to ask him twice
"wear a sweater vest, and their in the bag"

[Mr. Miyagi]

Gunz got his bed all made
By his wife he hoped to get laid
She turned and flipped her hair
Said “Honey I gotta be fair
To the other guys so I need to get paid!”

[Gunzlingr]

Mr. Miyagi hasn't been laid since he got fired from the funeral home.

[Mr. Miyagi]

Gunzlinger named his dog “Bad Grammar”: he rides her on and on and she always end up missing her period.

[Gunzlingr]

The Miyagi Rap
Written and performed by Rapmaster G
Produced by GunzDMC

Can I get a holla?!

Miyagi sittin' in his crib
wallowing in his own filth, sippin' Mr. Pibb
Makin' out with his cousin, flies are a buzzin'
Hygiene products aren't in his budget

Break it down!

Ain't got no De-Odo-rant
B-O is running ram-pant
Underwear has brown and yellow streaks
ain't no doubt, Miyagi reeks

Death cloud spewin' out his crack
body chemistry out of whack?
Bowel control's no laughin' matter
Another wet fart makes a splatter

Ain't got no friends, because of his odor
the stench of rotting flesh, and hog manure
They all left him when he was younger
when he plugged up the toilet and asked for a plunger

Break it down!

Ain't got no De-Odo-rant
B-O is running ram-pant
Underwear has brown and yellow streaks
ain't no doubt, Miyagi reeks

Hasn't taken a shower in years
His foul smell will bring you to tears
It is far worse than your worst fears
Oozes down the street to boos and jeers

So that's Miyagi to sum it up
Gangrene and syphilis are running amok
Noxious fumes are all around
He should be tied up and then hosed down

Break it down!

Ain't got no De-Odo-rant
B-O is running ram-pant
Underwear has brown and yellow streaks
ain't no doubt, Miyagi reeks

Break it down one more time!

Ain't got no De-Odo-rant
B-O is running ram-pant
Underwear has brown and yellow streaks
ain't no doubt, Miyagi reeks

YO!

[Mr. Miyagi]

Gunzlinger’s Ode to my Doctor
(To the tune of LL Cool J’s “I Need Love”)

When I'm alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall
I wish my phone would ring, my proctologist would call
Telling me a visit is due, then my heart is filled with love
Cuz the only way I score is through his finger and his glove

There I was, daydreaming about his touch
So soft and gentle I can never get too much
Hear the snap of the latex on his big ol’ hand
Makes me hard as a rock because he’s smooth as sand

I can feel it inside, I can’t explain how it feels
He is so deep in me he knows what I ate in my meals
Moving up and down, his finger as my screw
I have to bite my tongue so I don’t shout out “I love you”

Feeling all romanced I turn to gaze at him
Wishing he would ask me to snap into his slim jim
But his face is blank and his look is cold
I’m horrified to realize with me he won’t grow old

He wears a wedding band I can feel it inside
On his finger of love it slips and it slides
Though I bat my eyes, he won’t look at me above
I have to make another appointment just to get some more love

I need a glove
I need a glove

Why won’t him call me now because I’m lonely as hell
I promise I’m not that kind of guy I won’t kiss and tell
I always think of you when I get myself off
The way you hold me and tell me to “please turn and cough”

My wife can’t understand it she’s held without a clue
She will never make me feel as special as the way you do
As the latex on your hand rubs against my skin
It feels good as the heavens and it’s bad as sin

What wins my heart the most is the way you dress
In your bifocals and white robe you’re a man possessed
And the few strands of hair that they call the “comb-over”
Get my willie all tingled I say “why don’t you come over?”

When you’re finally done with all the tests on me
I am so fulfilled with love I wanna give you tip money
My body’s so relaxed I could really use a smoke
But it’s the studly you on which I want to choke

Like music in my ears, you say “I’ll see you next time”
But little do you know I wanna blow you like a chime
I wish you knew how I long to be your girl
When we’ll finally together watch our love unfurl

I need your glove
I need your glove

[Mr. Miyagi]

Good match gunz! You had me balling!

[lordofgun]

Good job guys!

Voting open until midnight eastern tonight!

[BillC]

I can't make up my mind.

[Gunzlingr]

That was a match for the ages MM!