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Thread: Best restaurant review I've ever seen

  1. #1
    Lecter's Little Bitch
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    Best restaurant review I've ever seen

    A Google User reviewed 6 months ago Overall Poor to fair
    We dined at Outriggers 5/20/12. For starters, several water glasses had obvious lip imprints still on them, clearly visible from across the table. Some of the bread was thoroughly waterlogged on the bottom; the only explanation I can come up with is that it was "recycled" from a breadbasket cleared from a previous diner's table. My wife was served a florescent orange lobster bisque the consistency of pudding; you could almost stand a spoon up in it, in a bowl which was splattered and blackened with baked-on food (I wish I could post a picture; it was so remarkable I photographed it). My salad was gritty, suggesting that the salad was sandy and hadn't been properly washed. One of our party was served a shrimp Caesar salad where at least 1/3 of the shrimp were still translucent and obviously raw. Another was served a steak which was so overcooked it was reduced to beef jerky which couldn't be penetrated with a knife and fork. Another's baked potato was shriveled, dried out, and cold; nobody believed that it had been cooked within the last 72 hours; perhaps it was "recycled" from another cleared plate, too. Another, who is fond of chicken Caesar salads, declared his to be the worst he'd ever encountered; the chicken had been literally incinerated into charcoal. The time from being seated to being served this repast was nearly two hours, and the attitude of the wait staff was one of palpable indifference. After searching in vain for someone in charge, we asked if there was a manager on the floor. We were assured that there was, but no one ever revealed themselves to speak with us. Outriggers is quite possibly the worst restaurant I've ever encountered.
    This place is in Connecticut. I was considering going there until I saw this brutal review.

  2. #2
    Pretty cool for a Fin Fan. Jaydog57's Avatar
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    Re: Best restaurant review I've ever seen

    Wow, I wonder how long they'll be open.
    "There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that." - Mark Twain

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    Acid Douching Asswipe OpIv37's Avatar
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    Re: Best restaurant review I've ever seen

    Outriggers is quite possibly the worst restaurant I've ever encountered.
    Quite possibly? Meaning the author has had other restaurant experiences so bad that he could possibly consider them WORSE than this one?

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    Registered User MidnightVoice's Avatar
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    Re: Best restaurant review I've ever seen

    Restaurant Review: Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar in Times Square

    http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/14/di...es-square.html

    Did panic grip your soul as you stared into the whirling hypno wheel of the menu, where adjectives and nouns spin in a crazy vortex? When you saw the burger described as “Guy’s Pat LaFrieda custom blend, all-natural Creekstone Farm Black Angus beef patty, LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion + pickle), SMC (super-melty-cheese) and a slathering of Donkey Sauce on garlic-buttered brioche,” did your mind touch the void for a minute?

    Did you notice that the menu was an unreliable predictor of what actually came to the table? Were the “bourbon butter crunch chips” missing from your Almond Joy cocktail, too? Was your deep-fried “boulder” of ice cream the size of a standard scoop?

    What exactly about a small salad with four or five miniature croutons makes Guy’s Famous Big Bite Caesar (a) big (b) famous or (c) Guy’s, in any meaningful sense?

    Were you struck by how very far from awesome the Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders are? If you hadn’t come up with the recipe yourself, would you ever guess that the shiny tissue of breading that exudes grease onto the plate contains either pretzels or smoked almonds? Did you discern any buttermilk or brine in the white meat, or did you think it tasted like chewy air?

    Why is one of the few things on your menu that can be eaten without fear or regret — a lunch-only sandwich of chopped soy-glazed pork with coleslaw and cucumbers — called a Roasted Pork Bahn Mi, when it resembles that item about as much as you resemble Emily Dickinson? .........

    Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?

    At your five Johnny Garlic’s restaurants in California, if servers arrive with main courses and find that the appetizers haven’t been cleared yet, do they try to find space for the new plates next to the dirty ones? Or does that just happen in Times Square, where people are used to crowding?

    If a customer shows up with a reservation at one of your two Tex Wasabi’s outlets, and the rest of the party has already been seated, does the host say, “Why don’t you have a look around and see if you can find them?” and point in the general direction of about 200 seats? ,.............

    How, for example, did Rhode Island’s supremely unhealthy and awesomely good fried calamari — dressed with garlic butter and pickled hot peppers — end up in your restaurant as a plate of pale, unsalted squid rings next to a dish of sweet mayonnaise with a distant rumor of spice?

    How did Louisiana’s blackened, Cajun-spiced treatment turn into the ghostly nubs of unblackened, unspiced white meat in your Cajun Chicken Alfredo?

    How did nachos, one of the hardest dishes in the American canon to mess up, turn out so deeply unlovable? Why augment tortilla chips with fried lasagna noodles that taste like nothing except oil? Why not bury those chips under a properly hot and filling layer of melted cheese and jalapeņos instead of dribbling them with thin needles of pepperoni and cold gray clots of ground turkey?

    By the way, would you let our server know that when we asked for chai, he brought us a cup of hot water? .........

    Somewhere within the yawning, three-level interior of Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar, is there a long refrigerated tunnel that servers have to pass through to make sure that the French fries, already limp and oil-sogged, are also served cold?

    What accounts for the vast difference between the Donkey Sauce recipe you’ve published and the Donkey Sauce in your restaurant? Why has the hearty, rustic appeal of roasted-garlic mayonnaise been replaced by something that tastes like Miracle Whip with minced raw garlic?

    And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?

    Is the entire restaurant a very expensive piece of conceptual art? Is the shapeless, structureless baked alaska that droops and slumps and collapses while you eat it, or don’t eat it, supposed to be a representation in sugar and eggs of the experience of going insane?

    Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?

    Did you finish that blue drink?

    Oh, and we never got our Vegas fries; would you mind telling the kitchen that we don’t need them?

    Thanks.
    What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof ~ Christopher Hitchens

  5. #5
    Acid Douching Asswipe OpIv37's Avatar
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    Re: Best restaurant review I've ever seen

    Ha, Opie and Anthony were talking about that Guy Fieri review last week.

    But, they like Guy and have had him on the show, so their take on it was that the reviewer was used to going to snooty, upscale downtown restaurants and he was applying the same standards to what's essentially a tourist trap.

    I've never been there, so I don't know. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle- the restaurant probably isn't as bad as the reviewer made it sound, but it seems like they definitely screwed up at least a few things.

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    Pretty cool for a Fin Fan. Jaydog57's Avatar
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    Re: Best restaurant review I've ever seen

    Yeah, I heard about Guy's restaurant too. Sounds ridiculous. Maybe the critic doesn't like Guy like I don't either, or it really does suck.

  7. #7
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    Re: Best restaurant review I've ever seen

    The place just opened and it's in the same category as the Hard Rock, Bubba Gumps or TGIFridays in Time Square. It's a 500 seat restaurant that is designed to pull in tourist dollars, not as a fine dinning place.

    The thing Peter Wells did is he reviewed it like Guy's other places would be reviewed because that is what the management asked for. It was a mistake by the restaurant and it was a mistake by Peter Wells.

    Wells had destroyed much better places in his reviews this year.

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