FINAL ROUND 1: Mr. Reality defeats MBBedard 24-21

[lordofgun]

ROUND 1: Mr. Reality vs. MBBedard

Round 1 will be freestyle. Do whatever the heck you want. Just make sure it's funny and insulting. And please refer to the rules in the sticky thread if you have any questions.

Each contestant will take turns insulting each other. This round will consist of 6 turns each.

MBBedard will go first.
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[The King]

Ok considering I am not going to attack personally here I go.....


Are you serious!? Do you think I would enter this contest and not attack personally?

How about I call you a Sally and go home.

Sorry Jack, that aint the way this is going to go. So once Bikerbabe gives you permission trot your Zappa looking ass into the kitchen reach up on top of your fridge and take down that jar your balls are contained in. Your going to need them. You spend all your time on the zone in the middle of the road you cant form an opinion about anything! Even your wife called you out.

I did a little research and it seems *****ing and whining is your forte' about 90% of your posts consist of "I can't & I don't". Shut up already. So when your ready to take that dildo out of your ass and have a battle let me know.

[The King]

I re-sign.

This just isnt fun. Whoever bet on me I will double your bet in return. Thanks for the confidence but this is lame.

[Mr.Reality]

Hold your horses there, Rupreck. It’s bad enough I have to be matched up against a recidivist masturbator from Boston, a city whose leading industry is plasma collections. But coming from a guy who’s glory days consist of tearing off a flag from some guy’s ass and waiving it around in victory? Nuh uh. Not today, pal. Save it for the “tough” crowd--those kickball-playing brutes at Catholic school recess. There’s something about a guy who buys his “war” dentures at the Halloween store--right next to the fake blood--that isn’t very intimidating to me.

For a poster who comes across like a Gila monster with a Roman candle up his crack, I expect a little more for my money. No wonder you’re an 8th seed. Where do you get your material? Flipper? The last person to be impressed with your literature was a blind man, touching the zits on your face, who thought he was reading a suicide poem by Christopher Lowell. Mistakes can be made, I guess, since you bought Mein Kampf thinking it was an outdoor survival guide for KOA.

Look, I’m just trying to have a little civilized contest here, but it’s not easy insulting a guy who’s used to getting subsidies for contributing personal samples to the USDA manure diversification program. That’d be like calling Jerry Lewis a tax relief whore. He doesn’t care. One dick-spindle is as directionless as the next. But what did I expect? Boston advertises anything with two standing walls and a mud puddle as a Duplex with city water.

All I got was the salamander.

[The King]

So you spent the last 8 hours looking up words to try and sound impressive?

Rupreck? Plasma collections? Gila Monster?


Maybe you could try to bring out some insults, that you didnt pull directly out of your ass. Im not even sure if your making fun of me or Boston.

The last person to be impressed with your literature was a blind man, touching the zits on your face, who thought he was reading a suicide poem by Christopher Lowell.

This first part doesnt even deserve a comeback....unless we are in the playground in 4th grade in which case I would reply "your a dumbass". The second part however a little more interesting.... I have no idea who the hell Christopher Lowell is.... but aparently a poet. I noticed you seem to be into poetry.

My rep changed
overnight
(LOG! you ***hole!)
when
(you laughed!)
i least suspected
IT.

I posted
last night
(LOG! you ***hole!)
when
(you laughed!)
you boosted your rep
to 76.

I negged you
this morning
(you negged me?! you ***hole!)
when
(what about my mama?)
my rep went down
the tubes.

What the hell is this!? If it took you 8 hours to reply this masterpiece must have taken you months. You said you wanted to have a civilized contest but seriously, how the hell am I supposed to be civilized when your spend your time writing poems about rep points on a message board?

All I got was the salamander.

Was that a quote from Bikerbabe?

[Mr.Reality]

Top 10 Reasons to play flag football

1. It’s the only sport going where you can put a piece of plastic by your crotch and have men grab you in public.

2. It’s more fast-pace than shuffleboard.

3. Where else can you shower with 10 other sweaty men and still be home in time for Sunday dinner with the kids?

4. Flag Red Rover isn’t as inclusive.

5. There’s more grab-ass action that flag baseball, where only the catcher and runner have any fun on bang-bang plays.

6. Badminton was deemed too rough.

7. Ballroom dancing with all men would be too obvious, and too exertive.

8. All the smart gay kids were already in the spelling bee.

9. It gives you a chance to say “Two double-wide on three.”

10. Oh. You said flag?

[The King]

Top 10 Reasons to play flag football

1. It’s the only sport going where you can put a piece of plastic by your crotch and have men grab you in public.

2. It’s more fast-pace than shuffleboard.

3. Where else can you shower with 10 other sweaty men and still be home in time for Sunday dinner with the kids?

4. Flag Red Rover isn’t as inclusive.

5. There’s more grab-ass action that flag baseball, where only the catcher and runner have any fun on bang-bang plays.

6. Badminton was deemed too rough.

7. Ballroom dancing with all men would be too obvious, and too exertive.

8. All the smart gay kids were already in the spelling bee.

9. It gives you a chance to say “Two double-wide on three.”

10. Oh. You said flag?

Are You Kidding me? OK... Since this is all your offering I will go with it. Your an old dude so I am sure your idea of excercise i throwing on your muscle pants and a headband and running on a treadmill. Or better yet maybe you own one of the matching warmup suits and you go out and power walk. But when your my age and not a semi-pro football player flag football is one of the only options available. Feel free to try and play any time, although I picture something like this when I think about you trying to play football...

I dont know what you look like so feel free to cut a picture of your face out and attach it. You can put it on your mantel.

[Mr.Reality]

I did a little research and it seems *****ing and whining is your forte' about 90% of your posts

I did a little research of my own.

I re-sign.

This just isnt fun. Whoever bet on me I will double your bet in return. Thanks for the confidence but this is lame.

ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

Can I win by forfeit this is ridiculous.

Well I will be out after 9 he better show up.

This is a lot of fun. WTF!? where is my competition this is gay.

I quit. Sorry guys But if you bet for me let me know how much and I will double your zb's

I posted 9 hours ago. it will be the dumbest battle ever if the posts remain this far apart, I am leaving here in an hour so it will just drag on and on.

I like a guy who wears red Traxx to the running of the bulls and *****es about how fast the bulls are running.

"Kick my ass now! Kick my ass now!" he said, like a Haitian sailor on 2-day shore leave in 'Frisco.

I aim to oblige.

Pumpin' up knee-jerk tear sacs with a penchant for sublime intervention is my business, and business is good.

Next time you'll pipe down your pie hole.

Dork.

[The King]

OK so first you make fun of boston, then flag football.... Now finally me. Thats some serious research you did.... Are you trying to lose this thing?

I feel so bad for Bikerbabe I have no idea how the hell she can understand you.


Bikerbabe: How is dinner?

Mr.Reality: Well the turnips taste like week old cumquats from the southern island of the west keys, and the meat resembles the texture of the nile tribes first born. But other than that its delectable.

Bikerbabe: ok....... well how was your day at work?

Mr.Reality: Oh it was horrendous those whitefaced ,puffy haired red nosers, from boston called aparently their plasma collection industry is growing again soo. YOu know how that story goes.

Bikerbabe: Sure I do. Have you had your debate with MBBedard yet?

Mr.Reality: Well I felt like I should wait around for 9 hours until he was ready to scratch his round orbitals from his skull. Then when I do decide to battle I think I will bore him to death with my vocabulary.

Bikerbabe:

[Mr.Reality]

Get off my tits.

I own you like yesterday’s bread crust. You are nothing. They’d have to dust your ***** for fingerprints just to have some measurable evidence to your existence after I dump your dumb ass in the ditch like yesterday‘s soap opera. I’m through trying to get through to your illiterate ass. I’ll come down there, monkey man, and leave your dead ass for PETA! See what they say about using flags made from whale blubber extract!

You will cower, unless they take longer than 9 hours to do it.

Whiner.

[The King]

I am suprised you never commented on me using your wife to get to you. But after all I guess you are used to people using your wife. But I am sure you dont mind you have made it perfectly clear you are not into women.

Full Monte would be cool too.

I have:

Young Frankenstien, The Aristocats, Buffalo 66, Goldmember, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, This is Spinal Tap, Kill Bill 1, Kill Bill 2, and the two movies I got from Papa Johns: Drop Dead Fred and Jackie Chan.

I like the movies fine (other than maybe Fred), but that's pretty meager.

Meager yes... gay most def. I did a google search on your two hero's also I found your poet Chrissy Lowell




And your boy Zappa.....



So let me recite my poem for you..


I'm a rolling thunder, a pouring rain
I'm comin' on like a hurricane
My lightning's flashing across the sky
You're only young but you're gonna die
I won't take no prisoners, won't spare no lives
Nobody's putting up a fight
I got my bell, I'm gonna take you to hell
I'm gonna get you,

[Mr.Reality]

Hey MB!

Betcha wished I waited another 9 hours to post!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

****in’ rookie. Better do a google on doo dads, quick, while you're at it, because it might be the last time you see ‘em for a while after I make MB stand for My Bitch.

Dork.

Why do I feel like the Grinch explaining Christmas to Cindy-Lou Who?

[The King]

Monday isn't a good day. I play Bridge that night.

Well making fun of me for playing flag football when you play the manly game of bridge is pretty friggin' bold. I took the time to look up bridge in your area before I decided to comment and here is what I came up with.



Read the sign.

Hmmmm the intense game of bridge, or as I shall now call it the competition of old **** who **** their pants. You can try to use your SAT vocabulary here, and make your fancy insults but the fact of the matter is nobody has any idea as to what the hell you are talking about.

Rookie.... you betcha but all that means in the scheme of things is that I can still nab chicks whos tits hang above their navels. You're an old washed up hipster, and your about to get beat by a #8 seed. Thats cool though you feared me from the beginning.

I have the toughest bracket. Bedard is vastly underrated at 8. Borderline protest material, there.

I didnt want to have to do this either but I found a picture of you on your bridge site. Say hello to the terrible Mr.Reality zoners. He is scaryier than you think.


There he is on the far left.


Well you already lost but you have one more chance to save that monkey's ass in which you call a face your up.... Good Luck "bridge boy"

[Mr.Reality]

It took you two beers over needlepoint to come up with that hatchet job?

Look, man. It’s like this--it’s nothing personal. But if I took your silly ass to a party, everybody’d be like, “What the **** are you doing bringing a guy with a yellow tie hanging from his drawers to a party? He’s obviously a dork.”

And I’ve have to agree, man. You’d probably have silk shorts on and *****. That’d be a dorky-assed thing to do, me to them; and that’d leave me, like. . .dork by association. You’d be going, “Let me show ’em what I can do!”

I’d be like, “No, MB. Let it go, man.”

There’d no limit to what a purebred dork of your caliber could do with nine hours of free time and a bottle of MadDog 20/20. Civilizations would be destroyed. Men would be lost. Woolworth’s would become a monopoly again.

There’d be a whole society of flag-waiving dorks under the docks, where not even the hardest of core Boston policemen would go, for fear of “The crooked smile” and the dreaded shmear the queer. Dorks would come out at night, Night of the Living Dorks, and ravish trash bags to fulfill their insatiable thirst for long, fluttering, plastic wavy thingies and groovy black hairpieces.

Most wanted posters would be posted. Bulletins would be wired. Dan Rather would be sent for.

WANTED: MB
Aka Ms. Booty, Fanny Flag, Lowell Jowl

For crimes against manhood, improper use of Velcro, illegal fondling, and overall Sunday naked hedonism under the influence of Viagra. Considered armed and dangerous to himself.

I’m sorry, bro. But I’m not gonna let it get that far.

[lordofgun]

Good job, guys!

VOTING is open until 10PM ET tonight.