Bill's Atrocities and Patriot's Fans

by Kevin Shenoy

As usual, I will start with the good news about the Bills 31-17 loss against the pitiful Patriots. The good news is this: NBC is picking up the Bill’s offense for a new Must See TV Thursday show. It’s airing right after Joey. The NBC execs feel like this show has the biggest jokes. They were sold when the Bill’s offense decided to run a naked bootleg with Bledsoe for keeping the drive alive at the late stages of the game. Travis Henry will be the star as the straight man to the rest of the Bills' slap stick routine. It could be bigger than Seinfeld. It’s a show about offensively nothing.

Before I go on about the atrocities of this game, I would like to take a second to berate the Patriots fans who travel to Western New York. For years both you're baseball team and football team sucked. Did you take time to travel to Western New York during the early 90’s to support your football team? I think not. But by odd luck and happenstance (possibly even a rightwing conspiracy to keep a team named the Patriots as the winningest team since Sept 11) they won 2 superbowls. Now you guys are superfans traveling the US to see your team. Get out of here. We’ll all be happy for you when you scam a baseball championship. And for the record as a native Buffalonian living in New York City, we follow our crap team that has been assembled and reassembled to the Meadowlands and Foxboro. Yes, even when the team sucks. Imagine that, being a full time fan. I challenge you guys to do the same when the tide turns. So in short Pats fans, eat it raw.

If you didn’t believe my conspiracy comment, then do tell me what was going on with the officiating. The head ref pulls up lame on the Bill’s hurry up after the bomb. Thanks. Thanks a lot. We are one of the worst teams in the NFL; we didn’t need the momentum. Roughing the Passer? What the hell call was that? I thought you were allowed to make tackles or pressure the QB. Overturning the interception when the only angle on it was from the rim of the stadium? Are you partying with R. Kelly? Come on. Not calling the pass interference that was going on all day offensive and defensively by the Patriots. The last time that much contact was made without consent, Kobe was in a Colorado court room. Eric Moulds should know that questioning authority in this day and age is frowned upon. That’s sarcasm. That was a 15 yard penalty that was totally justified.

I just feel that if the league is that intent on keeping the Pats as the prodigal team, why not send the season ticket holders and the rest of the Bills a memo. This way we can perhaps do something more productive with our Sundays. The Bills had two or three 15-yard penalties. The Pat’s twice threw Bill’s to the ground well after the play. And those smug bastards totally ate up the fact they weren’t caught. They were dancing around like the jackasses they are. Let’s just have the Lombardi award ceremony now. It will help players from getting hurt for no reason whatsoever.

I am not the parent of this team, so I don’t feel like I need to provide unconditional support. Josh Reed, Goodnight. Thank you and goodbye. You suck. Coy Wire, I remember when our defense sucked two years ago and you were a starter. Now on 1st and 35, you let the Patsies get a first down pass. You again are the starter. Good day, we’ll see you somewhere else. Preferably in football hell. Drew Bledsoe, we’ve talked about you so many times. See ya. That bootleg play is the most asinine play call that I’ve witnessed in my entire football life. Sure, do it early in the game on 2nd down. But with the game on the line, you think the slowest man in the stadium should be your savior? He hasn’t been our savior since he tied the game against the Jets in the season opener two years ago.

I’m going to try a little experiment. I am going to play Madden 2005. I am going to set up a 4th and 3 with the Bills against the Pats down by one score. Then I am going to pause the game and start drinking shots of rubbing alcohol, Kitty Dukakis style. At what point during this binge will running Bledsoe for 3 yards make sense? I hypothesize that I will be in the hospital with alcohol poisoning before I select the naked bootleg with Bledsoe. Even if the stomach pumping doesn’t work, and I have my dying last words during this experiment, I am hoping I say, "just don’t run Bledsoe." If anyone else wants to try, please let me know the results. Please also let me know all the funny stuff you say in between.

Fun facts:

• I am paying exactly $200 a weekend for one offensive touchdown a week. This includes travel to Buffalo, the ticket to the game and meals. When the Bills are on the road that pays only for the broken glasses and the bail that I have to post after assaulting random people with rage on the streets of NYC.
• After the US election is over, the Bills are hiring Karl Rove to help spin this team The team will still be horrible, we’ll just not believe it anymore.
• Someone will tell the jumbotron operator to show the replay instead of the ref watching the replay. This has been a problem for awhile. It needs to stop. I have no jokes for this. It just needs to get fixed.
• The Pats, the supposed greatest football team in the league, waited until the waning minutes of the 4th quarter to beat the Bills. If it wasn’t for an official who said reviewing a fumble was not allowed, they wouldn’t have been up by 7 either. So anyway you have it, I’m still not convinced they are the best team. The Pats are the ugly girl who thinks they're beautiful and somehow still manages to look sexy from time to time.
• So the word "unvictorious" is sounding more and more like a possibility. It’s not so much cause they are talentless, its because they seem to thrive in bad situations and love to make them worse. I don’t say it to be a doomsday guy. But if they find a way to lose to Arizona, I’d like to be on the record to say none of these games look like they can be won.
• There is no hockey season as an appetizer to the eventual meal of let down that we as Buffalonians always eat year in year out. The Bills are our main course. Superb!