One Fan's View: Married to the Bills

by Kevin Shenoy

Welcome to one fan’s rant. As I mentioned in last week’s article, the NFL should send a memo to all season ticket holders of the 31 teams that are not the Patriots. I called on the NFL to just let us know that they are artificially keeping this team of talentless hacks as the “numero uno”. They did send the letter and I trust the rest of you will be receiving it shortly. Now that I know the NFL has formally blessed the Patriots, I’ll have to be honest with you, I didn’t watch the game this week. I know, it’s sacrilegious for someone like myself, but I made my acting debut in a small Queens stage. No seriously, I did. Stop laughing. I played an alcoholic jerk. To prepare for the role, I imagined what the offspring of Pat Summerall and John Madden would be. It worked well.

Ok, so the NFL didn’t send out the letter but I figured I would follow the trail set by my favorite team. I would just not show up to the game. In fact, I told some of my Jet friends that I was taking a BYE week for my own personal health. I needed that week for my brain to come off the IR. It was still slightly tweaked from watching that bootleg and the Fletcher Fumble. I capitalized Fletcher’s infamous gaffe for a reason. I plan on trademarking a dance where I dive straight into the air and let go of either my partner or my drink. Whatever happens to be in my hand. When people ask, “What was that?” I’ll just say, “Hey man, it’s the Fletcher Fumble.” Look for it on MTV and the new American Idol.

So what do I write about if I didn’t see the game, you ask? Well, I’ve had a theory since the great comeback of 1994. And I want to run it by you. Tell me what you think. I’ve shared it around and people have always been intrigued. I think there is merit in it.

The theory is this: any team that is dealt a catastrophic loss (i.e. 32 point comeback, the Music City Miracle, the 49ers/Giants playoff game from two years ago.) will never overcome the stigma of that loss until everyone from that roster is gone. Think about how the Oilers went from consistent playoff team to absolute crap until everyone was off that team and in a new city. It wasn’t until they were in Tennessee with McNair and George that they showed signs of life. The Giants went from being considered an elite team during that playoff run in 2002 and the preseason talk for 2003 before they soiled the bed. Sure they are 4-1 now, but do you really think they can keep this up? But the reason I bring this up is because of the forward lateral play. Have the Bills ever really recovered? They’ve never been to the playoffs since. Rob Johnson seemed amazing in that game the way he smoothly drove the field to take the lead. And he did it losing his shoe. I was such a believer in him after that game. Then the following season came along and I hated him more than the thought of Gigli sequel. Now, I know Eric Moulds was on that team. He’s the only one left from that 1999 team.

So the sad fact, if I’m right, is that we have to let Moulds go. Worse off we might have to move to another city. I don’t know if I can take all this. Let’s first start with letting Moulds go. I’d hate to see him go. After all, I wear his jersey for every game. Don’t look at me like I’m being all selfish; it’s an expensive investment. But hey, if I have to do it for the sake of the team, then so be it. I’ll just wear my Ted’s t-shirt. I’m a team player and I’m not even getting paid. But seriously, let me know what you think. My email address is binaural02@hotmail.com. Drop me line. Tell me if you think I’m onto something.

Other things that need to be in the article that don’t fit nicely (thing of them as extras on a DVD)

• I never really knew that Ralph Wilson had it in him to completely lose it. I read his post game comments. I guess my $200 a week Bill’s habit is nothing compared to his “paying the salaries” habit. This isn’t about cheering for your team, and watching football, it’s a marriage.
• Going back to my $200 a week Bill’s habit, do you realize that if I had a $200 a week cocaine habit, I’d at least have 60 minutes of ecstasy? I’ve never done an illegal drug in my life, but they can’t be half as bad as the last 3 seasons have been on me. I can see it now. I get a new job, the employer asks for the drug test, I pee in the cup, the next day the new boss walks in, “I got your results back.” I’ll be unassuming and cocksure that nothing is wrong. He’ll then say it, “Have you been watching Bills games regularly? We have a program.”
• After my reading ended, I darted to my cell phone to call an old school buddy. The following conversation occurred. “Mark, did they win?” “Are you stupid?” he said. At least he squashed my feeling of hope faster than the Bills have. I didn’t have to hang around for 60 minutes. And for that, Mark, I’m grateful. Thanks.
• We are going to the Miami game together. We aren’t sure if this is the time to do it, but we might be in paper bags. I can’t wait to get in through security. “Gentlemen, what’s in the bag?” “Nothing, we’re going to put our heads in them after the National Anthem” “But you haven’t cut holes for your eyes.” “Right, we’re not sure the Bill’s deserve that yet.”
• You know through this 4-17 swing, I have tried changing all my habits to find a winning formula. I’ve eaten different breakfasts. I have changed red sneakers. I have put on the sneakers left foot first, right foot first. Damn it, I’ve tried jumping into them simultaneously. I know I’m putting in the effort. I just don’t feel like the team is doing the same thing in return.
• I understand that J.P Losman is still out injured. But with the Sabres season postponed, would it be possible to get J.P. Dumont to run a few plays. God only knows he has scored more points in a season than the Bills have year to date.
• I think at the Bills/Arizona game, to get a little excitement, the Bill’s should have a 10 year reunion for the 1994 superbowl team. Get everyone there, get them on the sidelines. How awesome would that be if they introduced the 1994 Bills out of the Big Helmet at the pregame. And then show the highlights of the 1994 season on the jumbotron. We’ll, at the very least, know what an exciting football season used to look like.
• How far away from being good is this team? You know that a team that goes through an offensive drought like this is on the verge of a huge breakout game. You know eventually this will happen. But they are so bad right now, you know it’s not going to happen for at the very least another month. It’s no where in sight.
• I’d like to donate a Don Beebe jersey to the Bill’s Offense. I think as they struggle through this season with dumb mistakes, sacks, and non execution, they should look back at the Beebe jersey and think about the immortal Don Beebe. Beebe, I believe, suffered the most big time injuries from breaking his leg (twice) and missing the rest of the seasons, bouncing off his head in the Cleveland game, and getting his head trampled by Leon Lett in Superbowl 3. Yet each year he came back with vigor, with passion. That’s what the Bill’s need. A little vigor and passion. Aspire to be Don Beebe.
• Good Christ, this is what the season has turned into. A rally call to aspire to be Don Beebe. I’m out of here, catch ya next week.