Up My Flagpole

by Frank Stephen

This edition of Up My Flagpole was inspired while watching the Sunday night debacle between the Buffalo Bills and New England Patriots. Somewhere, late in the first quarter, I found myself saying, “If I wanted to watch a repeat I’d flip over to TVLand”. Sunday night games for the Bills have just turned into pain associated with having to go to a spouse’s holiday party. You know there is going to be food but at some point it is going to turn into a co-worker crab fest that leaves you wanting to just leave but you know you can’t.

So, it got me thinking, “How does this game remind me of repeats on TV?” Picture if you will, your favorite, comfy old TV shows starring some of your favorite Buffalo Bills.

Welcome Back, Kotter
Can’t you picture it? Tom Donahoe as cranky, old Mr. Woodman mentoring former sweathog Mike Mularkey who, himself, is surrounded by the current sweathogs JP Losman (Barbarino), Lee Evans (Washington), Willis McGahee (Epstein) and Ryan Denney (Horeshack). This week’s episode: JP Losman tries to figure out how to take a game seriously.

What’s Happening?
A young bunch of wannabes who struggle to attain a starting spot in the NFL. Starring Sam Adams as Mama, Terrance McGee as Raj, Jabari Greer as Dwayne and Lawrence Smith as Rerun. This week’s episode: Terrance McGee figures out how to contribute to the Defense and still look good on special teams.

Laverne and Shirley
A cute story about two lovable losers and their loser friends from Milwaukee who always sing about an ant who can’t move a rubber tree plant. Starring the Buffalo Bills offensive line in interchangeable roles depending on the week. This week’s episode: Can they open a hole long enough for Willis McGahee to run through or keep Drew Bledsoe from ending up on his backside.

The Odd Couple
Starring neat as a pin and always tidy Eric Moulds as Felix Unger and the disheveled Josh Reed as Oscar Madison, our two heroes try to figure out how to get back in the good graces of the fans yet always find ways of dropping balls and running short patterns that don’t get the first down. This week’s episode: Officer Murray (Tom Clemens) introduces the WR to stick ‘em.

Coach
Mike Mularkey stars as Coach Hayden Fox who heads the coaching staff of a football team located in the tundra. With assistants Jim McNally (Luther Van Dam) and Jerry Gray (Dauber Dybinski), our lovable loser coach tries to muster the troops against top opponents like the New England Patriots who are head and shoulders better than the Bills. This week’s episode: Mike tries to figure out which back-up defensive back can play wide receiver and run a trick play in an attempt to confuse the St. Louis defense.

Post-it notes:

1: Ohio is really flat and it sucks to drive through it…twice within 4 days.
2: Duct tape does fix anything…even the fender of a car.
3: Campbell Soup owns Godiva Chocolate? That just lost its luster.
4: Why is Mike Mularkey doing his best to imitate Gregg Williams?
5 Anybody want to tell me the last time you felt secure when the Bills were leading.
6: Willis McGahee is going to be a very good NFL running back. Too bad he will be the first to run for 1500 yards with no offensive line.
7: Sadly, I can’t think of anybody to replace Tom Donahoe.
8: The NFL is going to try to reschedule Monday Night Football games on the fly? I like it! I don’t watch a lot of TV but when I sit down on Monday, I want to see an entertaining game.
9: Can Jon Miller learn to broadcast NFL games for ESPN?
10: JP Losman has a very long way to go to be worth what the Bills gave up for him in the 2004 draft. The part of my spine where the cynic resides tells me this kid is a complete bust. How many times were we reminded on Sunday that Tom Brady worked so hard and that when Bledsoe got hurt Brady was 100% ready? Right now, JP sounds like the second coming of Billy Joe Hobert.