Some Game Day Suggestions for the Buffalo Bills

by The Historian

A trip out to the Ralph is a religious experience for Bills fans, but at times, it seems the Bills organization forgets that it’s supposed to be fun. They forget that Bills fans are there for three hours to relax, and have a good time. So here are ten suggestions for the powers that be, on how to help create a more enjoyable visit, courtesy of The Historian.

Parking: Forget the rest of the league. This is suburban Orchard Park, not Downtown Detroit, or South Philly. Open the lots at 6am. Bills fans are a pretty bright group, and after thirty-two years of attending games at The Ralph, I have yet to see anyone run over at a game. If anything, opening the lots earlier would help curb the drunks. Not the drinking…the drunks. If allowed to start tailgating at six or seven in the morning, they would most likely be passed out by noon, and slept it off by halftime. Just in time for beer sales to be cut off at the concession stands. Having people line up in the driveways is not only a silly waste of gas, but is going to get somebody killed one day, by a passer by on either Southwestern Boulevard, or Route 20A. You know people are going to be there anyways, so open the damn lots!

Entrances Is it really necessary to pat down every schmuck that walks through the door? Do you honestly believe that any Bills fan would blow up the one thing that there is to do between here and New York City? Come on! Give the terrorism baloney a rest, and just be honest. You’re trying to make sure no one sneaks in a beer. Heaven forbid someone might not spend $7.50 on a cup of lukewarm Genny. At the Packers preseason game, I was ‘questioned’ about my cell phone. When the security guard growled at me, “What’s this?” I told her, “It’s a portable telephone. They’re quite common now a days, and you know what the best part is…they don’t need to be plugged into the wall to make a call.” She wasn’t amused. Neither was I for that matter.

Guest Services: Folks, if someone approaches you and tells you that they had not received a program when they walked through the turnstile, it would behoove you to believe them. Please refrain from the snooty, pre-programmed response of, “Only one per customer, sir!” Trust me, I’m not trying to shake you down for more than my allotted one. There is a real possibility that I did not receive one, due to my being body cavity searched at the door. And keep in mind, that those folks passing them out do need to relieve themselves from time to time. Show a little faith in mankind, and hand one over without an argument. As I type this, I can just see all the programs that were denied homes going to the recycling repository. What a terrible waste of valuable information.

Pre-game: This one isn’t really on the Bills, it’s on the league as a whole, but the Bills do share 1/32nd of the blame. If you’re going to have someone sing America the Beautiful, My Country Tis of Thee, or even Let It Be, please, in the future, let it be real singers. Sunday’s “musical interlude” with Nick and Jessica was a disgrace. It was a microcosm of everything that’s wrong with the entertainment business, and pretty much made our whole section ashamed for the entire country. NFL, you’re a billion dollar industry with an anti-trust exemption from Congress in your pocket. Next time, hire someone that knows how to actually sing, like Stevie Wonder, or Bono. Hell, after the way that song was massacred on Sunday, I would even settle for The Schintas.

Freebees: Enough already! It disgusts me until no end to see grown men wrestling with kids over a free tee shirt, or a worthless plastic cup. Quit shooting trinkets of junk into the stands. It creates a mob mentality and someone could get hurt, most likely a child. If you must give things away, have the mascot pass them out to kids in the family area.

Uniforms: Watching the Bills come out with the old uniforms, the standing red bison helmets, and the black high tops, I honestly felt for a fleeting moment that I was back at War Memorial Stadium in the early 1970’s. All that was missing was the cigar smell. Do all of us a favor, keep the throwbacks and ditch the multi-colored, arena league uniforms as soon as possible. Chalk them up as an experiment that failed, much like Gregg Williams, and the Whammie Weenie.

Halftime: I love Mr. Wilson. You love Mr. Wilson. We all love Mr. Wilson, but for cripes sakes, don’t let him speak during halftime anymore. It’s for his own good. He’s old, he speaks in two word blurts, and takes forever to finish a thought. Nobody can even understand him anymore, least of which, the guys lined up at the urinals. And making an eighty-six year old man stand out on the 50-yard line in a suit and tie, when it’s over 80 degrees out, could be construed as abuse of the elderly. Give both Ralph, and our ears a break. Hire a master of ceremonies. Haven’t we both earned it?

PA Announcer: Back in the ‘70’s we had Dan Neaverath as our PA announcer. Then one day, he made some disparaging remarks about the team’s play on his radio show, and got canned by the Bills. Then we had Stan Roberts. He eventually got too old and retired. Now, we have John Gurtler. The same John Gurtler that was sacked by the Buffalo Sabres, because people couldn’t stand him. Sports announcers are like the politicians in this city…they just keep getting passed around, and recycled into new positions. Like cockroaches…just when you thought you had them killed…they resurface. Such is the case with Gurtler. Who’s next? Mike DeGeorge? Time to hire some professional talent folks.

Jumbotron: Every game, it’s the same idiots mugging for the camera so as to be on the Jumbotron. Is this really necessary? I don’t mind an occasional crowd shot, but for Pete’s sake, this has gotten out of control. Use the scoreboard for what it was intended for. Showing the game, showing replays, showing out of town highlights. Not to show some idiot from Sloan half naked in December.

Commercial Breaks: And this is a big one. Again, the Bills don’t control this, but they do have input. That’s what league meetings are supposed to be for. On Sunday I counted NINE TIMES where the play was halted, and both teams were standing around on the field, hands on hips, waiting for the ref to tell them they were back from commercial break. NINE TIMES!!! Fine. Run your commercials, but I say play the game. If the TV audience is late coming back, so be it. Sucks to be them. Buy a ticket next time you cheap bastard. Why is it that the fan in the stands, who forks over forty-five bucks for a ticket, fifteen to park, God knows how much in gas, food, beer…whatever, is always thought of last in the equation? Why is that? Play the damn game. That’s what we’re paying for. Not to watch players stand around modeling their uniforms.

As usual, the Historian is being partly tongue and cheek. It would not be a crime however, if the Bills took some of these concerns to heart. It costs a lot of money to attend a game, and nowhere is that more evident than in Buffalo, where many fans have been displaced throughout the country for various reasons. People plan their vacations around Bills games, and come from places as far away as California, and Florida. That costs money, and it would be nice to see some form of appreciation from the organization once and a while, even if it’s only a symbolic gesture. It’s just plain courtesy.