TV contracts and how they make Bills game more difficult to bear:
First off, I’d like to complain wildly about how Direct TV has the NFL package. Unless you have a southwest exposure in Manhattan, getting the mini dish to support your Bills addiction is simply not an option. And if you are lucky enough to have that south west exposure, you have to pay more for crap service and no internet. So essentially, you have to pay for the dish service, additional for the NFL package and then go to another provider for internet access if you choose the convenience of cable modem. Digital Cable is bundled cheaper with internet. Why should you care about my issues with the NFL package?

Because having to leave my house with a Bills hat and Bills Jersey is an embarrassment. In some lesser way, I feel like Bruce Willis in Die Hard 3 when he has to walk into Harlem with the racial epithets on the billboard. Not that I really care what people think, but sitting in a bar eating ~$40 of crap to watch these games is a complete waste of time. I won’t even tell you the toll it takes on my ass sitting on a bar stool for 3 hours. I want to be in my house lying down. I figure if the defense gets to be laying down on the job, then by God, I should get some place to spread out. I also need to walk off some of the plays. The defense gives up 7 of 11 third down conversions, I need to walk around, go to the computer, vomit in the bathroom, anything but sit there with my fist in my mouth ala Sonny Corleone from Godfather.

Monkeys and the Bills
To be honest, I didn’t even feel like writing an article this week. I’ve done this for over a season and a half now. The Bills simply don’t change. I don’t know how many times I can make fun of something without being cruel. I mean, seriously, if there was a retarded monkey and week in and week out I’d make fun of the monkey, wouldn’t you get a little angry? If I sat here and pointed out all the obvious little things the monkey couldn’t do right, at some point it’d cease to be funny. And eventually it would turn on me, and I’d be the bad guy for harping on the medical condition that the monkey has. And it’s not even like I have a deep list of what the monkey sucks at. It just sucks at offense, defense, and it talks to much.

However, I decided to go through with the article because the Bills are not a monkey. In fact, I have a small space in my heart for retarded monkeys, and as such, I feel bad that I even compared the monkey to this Bills team.

The Buffalo Bills Movie:
“The Bills on the Road: West Coast Debacle” followed a very familiar script. The first Act toys with the feeling of being able to win. Generally the Bills get a TD or field goal early. They put up a good defensive stand. Then they do nothing on both sides of the ball. The second act starts before halftime. The Bills have blown the lead, but it’s still close. They flirt with a drive that starts at the 20 or so, and they march past mid field. You feel ok at this point. Then they stall, fumble, int or take a sack for 30+ yards. Momentum changes. Act 2 goes on for a long time. Act 3, the final blow, comes around the 4th quarter at usually at the 9 minute mark. The opposing team runs out the clock, and we touch the ball anywhere between 3 to 6 times. Either it’s one 3 and out, two 3 and outs, or a couple give-me plays and a 3 and out. You are left with neither a playbill or a memorable time out on the town. Instead you’re like a soldier with turet’s syndrome returning from Vietnam. You are jaded, scarred, and cursing.

This is the outline, the script itself is different. It’s like watching a Rocky Movie or an Episode of Scooby-Doo. You know the formula, but you watch it until the end ever single time.

What I know and what I don’t know:
Since I know this about road games on the west coast, nothing really surprised me. I can’t say I’m Ms. Cleo with some sort of vision for the future, it’s just how the formula works. I saw the opening drive. I knew that was going to happen. I knew they’d stop the Raiders on the next drive, and I knew they wouldn’t score again. Everything that happened in that game, I saw it coming from miles away. I saw Jordan run for a first down in the fourth quarter on 3rd and 5. I knew the penalty was on the Raiders, and I knew they would run it again and get it.

What I don’t know is when this crap is going to stop. I don’t know when Jerry Gray and Mike Mularkey will watch the tape that I’m watching and say, “Hey, Jer, I don’t think we’re a top 5 defense. In fact, I don’t think we are a top 30 defense. I think we suck. I think getting to the playoffs is the best this team can do. And I mean that as best we can do with help from natural disasters, injuries and other things completely out of our hands. I know if we get to the playoffs we’ll play on the road. And I know how we play big games on the road in front of a national audience. And if we do it with Holcomb we’ll be in the exact same situation next season. Who is going to show up for that?”

Obligatory section about QB: Pretenders vs Contenders
I won’t even get into why starting a virtual rookie has its benefits in a season that’s going nowhere. Do you really want to watch this season all over again next year? JP is going to be just as bad a year from now without any game time experience. You do realize this, no?

The question has to be, “Do we want to be a playoff team or a Super Bowl team?” If you just want to get to the playoffs, then yes, this team may be what you want. If you are going to hear, “The Bills made the playoffs” and run out into the streets crying and dump Gatorade on your friends, this could very well be your team. It’s not hard to envision us being in second place in the East despite not being able to win big games or road games.

You listen to the players and coaches and it sounds like their goal really is just to get to the playoffs. So much so that they worry about little things such as whether or not to be disclosing injuries and having walks on the beach. Forget those little pieces. Work on the big picture.

Create your identity and stick with it. I want the Bills to have 10 plays that they run to perfection. You can have the trick plays, but nail the 10 plays. Like I said last week, you have to know these 10 plays and tell all the teams you play, “these are our plays. We know them inside and out and we know what to do no matter what you throw at us. Bring 7, 8, 9 men, we have a way to stop it.” In the Super Bowl years, how many times did you know the Bills were going to throw a screen to Thurman? And how many times did it still pick up 8-15 yards?

Instead it looks like we have 20-25 plays where they don’t know how to handle matchups which weren’t practiced for. We can bitch and moan about the O-line all we want, but the truth is that they are good enough to be a mediocre run driven line. McGahee is good enough to make due with an average line. And he only gets better after 20+ carries a game.

What we really have is a team without direction who strives to just get into the playoffs. I realize some of this is driven by Donahoe’s concern for his job. So his mentality is passed down to his co-workers. Have you ever had a manager who is barely holding on to his/her job? I had that happen early in my career, and I wish that on no one. It brings morale down and a sense of panic in everyone. Does that sound like One Bills Drive?

I get the sense Mularkey is affected by this and thinks, “Hey, if we can just get to the playoffs anything can happen.” Unfortunately, this is not the NHL. Once you are in the playoffs, “anything could happen” normally does not hold true in the NFL. Your favorites generally win. There may be one team that shocks people, but those teams tend to be the hot team going in playing some overrated team that is at the tail end of their consistent playoff appearance.

So to address the question, I would rather have a Super Bowl contender. This is a team that doesn’t talk about the Super Bowl during the regular season. This is a team that takes it one game at a time, they do what they do well, and they take the bumps in the road in stride. Once it’s playoff football, they have some steam and chemistry that makes everyone on the sidelines a believer, and the fans anxious about what the playoffs hold. That’s a contender.

We are the Pretenders. Now what?
Well since we are no where close to be a Contender, there are a lot of small things that need to be addressed and sadly it starts with the QB. I want the QB position to have a chance to be a deciding factor in games. And I mean the deciding factor in a good way. Not in the “hey our QB got blindsided and fumbled the ball into the fattest DE’s hands who now is sprinting the length of the field to put the game out of reach” way. Since Drew’s first year, we haven’t had a game plan where we want the QB to win a game. We haven’t won a come from behind game since Minnesota in 2002. Let JP play so the game can slow down for him. That’s how he’ll become an effective leader. It seems to me that teams that have a QB they believe in, tend to have a better swagger throughout the season. For 4+ years we have a guy that not everyone is sold on and dissent in the locker room is palpable.

Now if there is an Eric Moulds type player who says, “We want to win now, give us Holcomb.” I say if you are the head coach you bench Moulds. You bench every guy who thinks they know how to run the team better than the coach. Mularkey is the guy who is running this team. He should not fear a mutiny. He gave them their chance, and Moulds couldn’t get open with a scout team defense playing. The defense said they wanted to win now, and they couldn’t get it done with below average receivers and backup from the Jets as the running back. Let me repeat that, a back-up from the JETS!!! He wasn’t even good enough to be a starter on the JETS!

Now granted I know Lamont Jordan is actually a very talented RB and potentially a top 15 running back if given the opportunity. The point is that Mularkey bent to his best players who passed the buck as the issue being a QB issue. It clearly wasn’t. It’s a full team issue. One way to get better on offense is to have a QB who can manage the game like Holcomb does now, but with the arm strength and mobility JP has. If we have to bench the dissenters, then so be it. I can’t stand to have some guy threaten to half-ass a game if he can’t get it his way. Put people who are hungry out there. They might not have the talent and they might be crushed into oblivion, but losses with heart go down a lot smoother than people just cycling through the motions.

Next season?
And if everything stays equal, and we are looking at this team at the end of this season, where we need the most help is on the defensive side of the ball. Sure, we need a couple O linemen for solidifying the line and giving us depth, but we need a real DE that gets pressure/sacks and a real option at Safety so that Milloy and Vincent can teach a talented guy the ropes (to be read as Coy Wire isn’t going to get it done). We may want a LB that fits the scheme and can replace London and TKO relatively soon (historically, no one comes back from Achilles Tendon tears with the same effectiveness). And if next year’s offense has to start from scratch with JP, then both sides of the ball are going to be even more unstomachable than this. I know; I can barely imagine what that would look like.

It probably will look exactly the same, but the Ralph will be much emptier. The Fan base will have no reason to be excited about next year. There is no way a marketing team can spin next season if we go in knowing the whole year is a rebuilding year. What will make it harder to take is the fact that the Jets won’t be ravaged by injuries to suck as badly as they do this year, and the Dolphins will be one year wiser with Saban. We’ve got to either keep up with the competition or get out of the way.

DVD Extras

• First off, Raiders fans are just ridiculous. The stadium is barely full despite the great weather, and the ones that show up look like Rupaul confused as to whether it’s a KISS concert or Halloween. I can’t believe that these guys aren’t made fun of more. Instead they are lauded as some of the most intense fans. I suggest whoever ranks those people as best fans come to the Ralph on a dreary Sunday in November with the swirling winds with a team as bad as ours and listen to how loud we get. Those are real fans.
• If the Bills defense can’t get turnovers they can be torched for as many as 38 points. Yes, my weekly comment of how the Bills are the bend but don’t break defense is over. They broke….big time. You wonder if Jerry Gray created the New Orleans Levees as well. “Look how amazing these walls are. Nothing gets through them. You should not even question the strength of these walls this year. They’ve been more than enough in years past. Sure we have a brutal schedule and water has over flown the walls a couple times. Just stay the course. We expect them to hold up. Ok, maybe these walls won’t hold up to a really strong hurricane, but when would that ever happen.” Is that quote from the New Orleans politicians before Katrina or what we’ve been listening to from One Bills Drive? Hard to tell. Either way, the Bills’ version of Katrina arrived. Hurricane Lamont: Category 4.
• There are better running backs than Lamont, and the Bills face them in the next three weeks. Dillon, Holmes, and Tomlinson. Those most likely will be known as Rita, Wilma and soon to be named Alpha. Sure as sugar Category 5’s. I will deem it a success if we hold each of those backs to under 200+ yards. Sadly I’m not kidding, and even sadder, I know you knew that.
• Lamont Jordan had only 81 yards at one point during the 4th quarter. I was shocked. I said to myself, “How has this guy only managed to gain 81 yards?” Then I realized he kept breaking his runs short by getting into the end zone. Moments later, he ran for 20 yards, getting him over the 100+ yard mark. Moments later after the 100+ gain, he ran for 17 yards on 3rd and 14. I felt like Wesley in “The Princess Bride” when they turn the torture machine to full power. My body was just twitching while everyone in the bar looked around to see where that was coming from.
• I guess there is some kind of force field at the Oakland one yard line. Second year in a row where we couldn’t score from the one. I’m not even going to joke about this phenomenon. It’s pathetic really.
• I realize that I’ve always been a proponent of going for it from the 1. And in this case it essentially played out ok. We ended up stopping them and getting good field position to kick the field goal. No harm done. However, I didn’t like it when we went for it this time. I’ll tell you why. On this drive to the 1, Mike Williams goes down with an injury. A few plays later, Greg Jerman goes down with an injury. Now literally two plays later it’s fourth and 1 and you don’t have a line that has played more than 2 plays together at this point.
• So they run the play despite not having your ideal front line. On any other play, I’d say, “Hey your backups have to be ready.” But the thing is this is a play and situation that is entirely dependant on the play of the line. It’s not like 3 and 5 and you can improvise. You need a good push. Even with capable backups, I’m thinking two plays aren’t enough to get them up to game speed. That being said, fine, you have decided to go for it. Great, but why not give it your workhorse? Why be cute and hand off to the full back running towards the Mike Williams side of the line? Crazy.
• Special teams let some big returns. How annoying is that? The one part of our team that is fairly consistent, and they got bit by the road bug.
• Do you guys watch NFL game day on ESPN from 11:30-1? I normally never watch it, but remember it being fairly entertaining as a kid. I watched it this week, and it sucked. They barely show any highlights. In its place they have Boomer, Steve, Irvin and TJ argue about what they think. That is why we have bulletin board sites so that we can partake in the misinformed, purely based on opinion banter ourselves. We don’t need to watch that. I think if it wasn’t sandwiched between sports reporters and some hick-like sport like Bull riding, Game Day wouldn’t be such an obvious hit. And ESPN2 shows fishing during Game Day, so even when you flip up in disgust about Game Day’s coverage of the Vikings ordeal, you can’t see anything more compelling. That’s why ESPN news is where it’s at. All it is is highlights on a 30 minute loop. Top that!
• Additionally, can Andrea Kramer get any older looking at this point? If you took footage of her reports over the last 3 years and sped up the film, I swear to god it would look like the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade when the guy drinks from the wrong grail.
• How about that Roscoe Parrish? Healthy enough to return a punt, but not healthy enough to run short patterns in good weather with a decimated secondary. That makes a whole lot of sense to me. It makes as much sense as creating the gigantic peanut M&M’s. How big can peanuts get, and why would you want an M&M that you have to eat like a foraging squirrel?
• Thanks for running the reverse once this week. It got us a first down. Sweet. I feel vindicated.
• Now, I am not much of a defensive guru, but you would think you’d stop bringing the blitz when it doesn’t get to the QB, and you are leaving gigantic holes on the field for receivers to get open in. Now again, I don’t have a lot of coaching experience, but I would have figured to change that at some point. But time and time again, Gray’s blitz happy defense runs 6-7 guys into the same 3 blockers and the QB gets about 4-5 seconds to get rid of it. Now conventional thinking would say Nate Clements would be able to stop a bunch of no names and a hobbled Randy Moss. But for the second week in a row, Nate looked average at best. At times he looked down right JD Williams. I realize that is about as low as you can go in terms of Bills disses.
• Or is it? I fear our defense is Kelso-fying itself (gracias, Mark, for the idea). Once decent, but now just known for their past ability and how smart they are. You painfully watch as other teams pick them apart. This week it was Milloy. Soon it will be Fletcher, then it will be Vincent. I hate hearing how smart football players are. It’s a game played with your hands and its called football. This is not a game based on intelligence. It’s based on will.

The last piece of this annoying game is the fact that Bills are still talking. They seem to be convinced that they are good, and it’s a matter of smoothing out some wrinkles (God knows where these guys get their dry cleaning done). For 5 years, we’ve listened to a lot of talk but have witnessed very little results. I don’t even know what to say. I don’t know what I want to hear in place. I doubt hearing, “You know, I think we suck. And we are going to suck for a while. And we don’t really know how to stop sucking. If some crazy fans, namely Kevin Shenoy, who has never played the game at a high level or coached at a high level could call in and give us some pointers, we’d love it.” Instead, I’m simply putting down the lyrics to everyone’s favorite early 90’s acoustic ballad. Think of it as fans singing it to the players. To you, the loyal reader, I present to lyrics to “More than Words” by Extreme.

More than Words
Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know
What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real…

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