One Fan's View: "I'm too old for this $#!%"

by Kevin Shenoy

There are some things I just don’t understand, and I’ve made peace with. And there are some things I just don’t understand, and it drives me crazy. To the former, apparently this winter, in women’s fashion, I noticed that women are walking around in oversized sweater skirts, stockings and Eskimo boots. For a sex that is continuously cold, I find it odd that they’ve chosen to not wear pants in the winter. Even more confusing is that when I get in the shower every morning there are a pair of gloves that my wife wears (for what has been explained as exfoliating gloves). So to recap, women don’t like wearing pants in the winter and wear gloves in the shower. Fine, I don’t understand it, and I don’t need to understand it. I’ve made peace with that.

To the latter, I don’t understand what happened at the 2:06 mark of yesterday’s game and it’s driving me crazy. A few weeks ago I said the Bills had turned me in Mel Gibson’s character from Lethal Weapon. After the Losman fumble, I think I was turned into Danny Glover’s character. “I’m too old for this $#!%”

Let’s begin with the play call. I’m going to be a contrarian here. I am actually going to say that a good team should be able to run a play action pass. In some ways that’s the entire point of having such an awesome run game. In fact, I know if the Bills simply ran it up the middle two more times and didn’t run out the clock, we’d be all over Turk for being unimaginative. It would have been the disaster that the last three runs in the Browns game was. We would have asked, “Why so conservative?”

The play action should have defenders creeping up so you can take your chance down field. So Turk wasn’t entirely out of line calling this play; the guy made a call to win the game and run out the clock. His mistake was looking at JP and thinking, “He’ll be able to do that.”

The call was made, yet the play was worse. Let’s look back on this play with Zapruder-like vision. Allow me to be the Kevin Costner character from JFK. Projector on, Newman on hand in the event I need to do the magic bullet presentation next. “Upon the snap, JP barely fakes the handoff. So he’s already blown the allure of the play action and has made it straight out a passing play. Next Peters misses Elam entirely. You can see Peters screaming from the grassy knoll, “JP!!! RUN!!!!” Now in the final frames, you can see JP running down and to the left…..down and to the left…..down and to the left.

Elam’s first hit on Losman hits his shoulders. Losman should grasp onto the ball and simply take the sack. But there is a second sackmaster on the play. His name is JP. He decides to let go of the ball for no real reason. Then the motorcade speeds out of frame and into the endzone.” Projector off, lights back on.

All the innocent bystanders are clearly confused by the play. Half the Bills side line is pointing up at the press box. “The call came from there!” Jauron is screaming, “I’m just a Patsy!” Others are just stunned at the gravity of the play. Meanwhile, I’m trying to get out of the limo with Ralph trying to push me back in. “Hey, you already bought the ticket to the New England game.” The Bills were pronounced out of the playoffs at 3:45pm, December 14, 2008.

Last week the Bills honored Pearl Harbor day with an uninspired loss. This week the Bills honor another American tragedy with equally as appalling ugliness. I can’t wait to see what horrific American tragedy the Bills want to replicate in Denver. But I hope they do it with Hamdan instead.

DVD Extras

* Voldemort play This JP Fumble play will be known as the Voldemort play. The play that must not be mentioned. Well at least after this article. There were so many things about that play that drive me nuts. For example, the Jets didn’t get a single first down in the second half. Therefore, even as ugly as the fumble was, if the Bills simply tackled Ellis on the play, then I think it’s fair to think that the Jets would have only gotten 3 points out of that play.

* Momentum for Jets I’ll say this now. The Jets season was dead before the Voldemort play. Now that they won, this is the kind of thing that gives the Jets all this momentum and they go crazy and win the Super Bowl. If this should happen, please know that I will be calling in “devastated” on the Monday after the Super Bowl.

* “This is the life we’ve chosen” Color me Hyman Roth. After the Voldemort play, a tear literally popped out my left eye. I was so mad. The entire game I sat there waiting for the Bills to lose. And right before that play, I entertained the thought of mocking a few of my Jet friends. And sure enough Losman craps the bed. How can you stand this team? And I quote Hyman Roth from Godfather II “And I said to myself, this is the business we've chosen; I didn't ask who gave the order, because it had nothing to do with business!” Yet, somehow it had everything to do with business. Damn you Hyman Roth.

* Cowboys game It seems like the Bills want to hand us one loss each year that makes you capable of Beating Small Farm Animals (a.k.a BSFA game). Last year the BSFA game was the Cowboys game. This year we all tried to link the Browns game as the BSFA game since it was so close in fashion to the Cowboys game. But the truth is most of us went to bed easily after the Browns game. So it’s hard to make that the BSFA game. This Jet game was the one though. As a result, I’m staying away from farms for the week. I also wouldn’t be surprised if the Bills give us two BSFA games this year and then 3 the next year. The team will keep adding a BSFA game until Jauron is gone.

* Jauron heartbreak I’ve been staunchly against Jauron for a while. However, the shots of his face during the game were heartbreaking. I actually felt bad for him because he does seem like a good guy. There were times where he looked like he was about to cry. After the Voldemort play, Jauron took his headset off in utter disgust. I could only imagine that Ralph was on the other end, “Dick, you’re fired.” If I was the owner, that’s what I would have done. I would have stolen the mic out of whoever’s hands had it first and just said, “you’re fired. Tell JP he’s gone too. I’m not paying for you guys to be on the charter back.”

* Tripletts aren’t for the Bills First it was the disaster pickup of Larry Triplett, the DE, that screwed the Bills. Now Jeff Triplette, the ref, was out there messing it up for the Bills. (what’s black and white and red all over? Jeff Triplette) On Leodis’ 100 yard return, he called a marginal holding call. After the Bills scored on that drive anyway, the Bills kicked away. Leon Washington had a nice return, aided by a blatant holding call. The Jets player had a handful of the Bills player who was plugging the gap.

* Triplette face plant I’m not a violent man by any stretch of the imagination, but I will say it was so rewarding to at least see that he ate it on that play. Triplette also is famously known as the ref who blinded the Browns linemen a couple years ago. It was only fitting that a lineman blind sided him.

* Slow Wimpson still at it On the Leon Washington touchdown, Ko Simpson was within diving distance for at least 10 yards, but chose not to make the play. Then out of no where, Leodis came flying in. It was like watching the two jets blow past Iron Man. Wimpson should be with Ryan Denney and Losman in the discard pile.

* Naming rights fun Mark and I decided that if we could get 80,000 Buffalo Bill fans to donate $50, we’d have enough to get the naming rights to the Ralph. At which point we’d change the name to keeptheminbuffalo.com Stadium. Then on keeptheminbuffalo.com we’d show copious amounts of Porn (for a fee) and with the profits, we’d buy the team in 2 years. Jim Kelly buying the team is plan A, Keeptheminbuffalo.com is plan B. Who is with me?

* Leodis McKelvin I like this guy. The Touchdown run on the kickoff was great. Nevermind it was called back, but he blew everyone out of the water with his speed. Then there is the play above. Let’s also not forget that he tracked down Favre on that bootleg. What I liked most about that is that he didn’t go to just push Favre out of bounds. He wanted to take a shot at him. And he put the Charlie Horse thigh shot on Favre. Favre got up a little gingerly. That earned points in my book.

* Favre is Derek Roy/Sidney Crosby Why does Favre dive so much? In the endzone he was flopping around after he threw incomplete. It was almost like he knew he couldn’t complete a first down on his own and was resorting to embellishing calls. It would have worked too had the Bills been able to get close to him and actually touch him.

* Jets Punt unit, not so good The Bills faked a punt for the second time against the Jets this year. This is the 3rd time I’ve seen a team run a punt fake against the Jets this year. Apparently there is something really obvious that coaches see. It was fitting the Keith Ellison got the first down with a Jet’s player shooting through the gap and simply missing the tackle. That is the definition of Ellison’s linebacking career year to date.

* Lindell’s two field goals Fancy I yet again proved that every kick is a heart attack. One squeaked in and another that blasted from the far right back in and then off the post. A good number of Bills fans continue to love the guy, I just don’t see it.

* Players who don’t suck Marcus Stroud is getting triple teamed on some plays. How he makes any plays is difficult to envision. Derek Fine had a couple nice catches and one impressive run where he dragged a bunch of tacklers with him. Fred Jackson and Marshawn Lynch ran like men possessed. They are both keepers. Steve Johnson looks the part of a good receiver. I hope that Trent spends some time with him during the offseason to get on the same page as him.

* Congrats for taking advantage of a good punt The Bills actually punted inside the 5 twice, and on one occasion managed to make the Jets go 3 and out. They got back a short field (even though the Jet punt took an incredibly fortuitous bounce on a 61 yard punt) and drove for a TD. The other punt inside the five had the Jets driving to the 50 before Favre threw his interception to McGee.

* Mungojerrie Mitchell at it again Brett Favre scrambled on 3rd and 8. It was Favre and Mitchell, mono y mono. Mitchell sprints towards the sideline away from Favre. Favre picks up the first down. Luckily there was holding on the play and it was called back and Mcgee got the pick on the next play. But Mitchell’s play is vexing at this point.

* 2004 QB draft class –revisited I like that in 2004, there were 4 first round QB’s. We got the Sam Bowie of the draft, two teams got Michael Jordans and One got a decent QB (even though I personally don’t like him). We took the one clunker of a QB. And what’s pathetic is that one fell off a motorcycle and nearly died and came back and played better than our QB.

* Random Ref Question Do Refs wear cleats out on the field? It’s not like they are making cuts or anything. However, you don’t want to be slipping around. The idea of an old man tying up his cleats makes me chuckle.

* Bush and the shoe Obviously, you’ve all seen the Iraqi who threw 2 shoes at George W. Bush. If you watch it on film, someone in the crowd actually hits the Iraqi’s arm as he is throwing the shoe. I’d like to get that guy as a practice squad defensive end. Also, if the Iraqi can pass the physical after the beat down he received, the Bills should look at him as backup QB material. From 5 yards away, he didn’t sail the shoes over Bush’s head. He’s already light years ahead of Losman.

* Adam Sandler is a Jets fan Yet JP is a Bills player. Not fair.

* Bills RB’s vs the Jets What is it about Bills running backs versus the Jets? They really like to gash them up. I think for 4 years running, Bills running backs have run wild on the Jets. For some reason I know that will dry up before we ever beat the Patriots.

* NEWS FLASH: Hardy hurt If they never showed Hardy leave on the cart, I don’t think I would have noticed that he wasn’t playing.

* Madoff Scheme Yet another Billionaire found to be corrupt. This is Bills related. If companies and individuals keep having their worth’s marked down, at some point that has to also effect the Bills and their value. I think this is all helping the Bills stay in Buffalo. I’m not sure who has $1BN to spend without credit from a bank on a novelty business like football, but I do know the number is shrinking. Plus football is going to feel the pinch on declining ticket and suite sales across the entire league next year. Ralph, I’d start thinking about selling the team to the Kelly investors now at a discount because I don’t think you are going to get your paper value of $800-$900MM that you think it’s worth. Football values probably lag behind the regular economy. So it’s taking some time for the value to fall. But once it starts falling, it will fall at a faster rate than the rest of the economy and take a longer time to recover. That’s my theory, and I’m stinking to it.

* Stupar The Bills have a tight end named Stupar. I guess you pronounce that the same as stupor. How fitting.

* Eric Moulds I noticed he was a free agent this year, and I know the Bills enjoy bringing back their old receivers that struggled on at least 2 other teams. So it raised the question why not bring him back. The only reason I thought about this is because Mark told me that Moulds was 5 yards short of 10,000 receiving yards and 1 catch short of 50 TD’s. What the two of us find hilarious is that with 2 games left, there is absolutely no chance he gets to either milestone. They put him in on a first and goal from the 1 and run the fade route, only to have it picked off.

* Things that make the game more enjoyable If you are one of the few who keeps watching these games until the season is over, please watch Ryan Denney on every defensive snap. He is totally ineffectual as a pass rusher or a run stopper. There were some runs early in the game where he was getting pushed 5-8 yards down the field. On any misdirection play, he’s the guy who doesn’t hold the contain. The Favre romp was mainly his fault.

* Eligible for the Draft I’m putting my name in for the Draft in hopes that my 5’8”, 150lb self is drafted by the Bills at the Defensive End position. I am a high motor, high character individual who will only try to get to QB by running the great circle rout on the outside. I’ll be a day two draft and probably make more as a 7th round supplemental pick than what I currently do. Plus the fans will be rooting for a Buffalo guy to make the team. Come on Modrak, I can’t be worse than Denney and I come a lot cheaper.

* Reality TV – Side note Ok, I watched the Secret Millionaire on Thursday. What a terrible show. There was zero intrigue to the story line. But one stunning occurrence happened, and it is in regards to an Indian, so I feel like I have to speak up. Gurbaksh, the Millionaire, who goes by the name “G” earned his first $40MM by his 18th birthday and now has $300MM to his name at age 26. He loves his name “G” so much that he had the tiles in his foyer spell G, his bed has a big G on it, and even his pillow cases have the letter G on it. The show asks that he go undercover and learn about the poor for a week and then give away $100,000 to whomever he thinks deserves it. So he does his thing which was really boring and in the end splits the check up to two organizations ($35,000 each) and then to two people ($10,000 each). That’s great, right? Spreading the wealth. However, if you add that up, he skimped out spending the last $10,000. Douchey on all levels, but raised my ire because you don’t see a lot of Indians on TV. I didn’t want to find out that we’re all getting called out as cheap because G didn’t spend all the money. I just found it ironic that a guy who loves the letter “G” forgot to spend 10,000 g’s for a noteworthy cause. Not even Ralph would do this. For his weak football decisions he’s always been pretty giving to the charities.

Kevin Shenoy can be reached at binaural02@hotmail.com. Please feel free to write and I’ll do my best to get back to you.