One Fan's View: Too bad the games are not 57 minutes long

by Kevin Shenoy

Clap clap clap. Clappity clap clap clap. My god. If I see Dick Jauron’s left hand hit his right hand one more time after another teeth grinding mistake, I am going to Gus Ferotte myself into my living room wall.  

I’ll be honest; Dick Jauron has made me negatively stereotype people whose last names rhyme with a derogatory word. My apologies to Tom Jidiot and Edgar Bassmole; we’ll probably never be friends.  

Jauron’s Jurassic Park-like, “don’t move or they’ll detect me” sideline presence infuriates me. I feel like if I went to the sidelines during the game and wandered right in front of him, I’d feel like he was a wax museum character. “Everything looks normal, but his eyes aren’t really fixed on anything. Oh, no! Aha, it’s made of wax.” Mentos shock and smile….and scene. 

I already know his postgame comments are “I thought we did some good stuff out there…..I’m going to look at the film….obviously we didn’t like the outcome….He’s a heckva player and he’s got to get better and he will!”  

I guess the reason I rag on Jauron is because there is no one else to really blame aside from Mckelvin. The offense was capable, and AVP called an amazing game. The D actually put pressure on the qb. Surely they’re coverage suffered a lot with the underneath stuff, but they did enough to win. So this loss that mirrors so many other close losses must fall on Jauron’s shoulders. If only we lived in a world where games were only 57 minutes long. Jauron would have like another 10-15 wins under his belt. 

Personally, for my own peace of mind, I feel like I need a hard hitting Barbara Walters-like interview with Dick Jauron. His indifference and non-answers drive me crazy. Doesn’t he want to put the blame on McKelvin? “I did what I had to do, I blew up an expensive line for rookies who work harder, I threw away a dud of a OC 10 days before the season. I made hard choices and they worked. That idiot dropped the ball!” I feel like he wants to tell his story…He’s begging to talk. This is my mock interview: 

"Coach Jauron, why did you think this year was going to be any different than last 3 years." 
 
"Well we got a bunch of great guys, and they are working real hard, and I just think.... 
 
"No seriously. Coach, this was a disaster offseason from the OL to the draft. Even by your low standards. Why did you think this year would be any different? You lost your Monday night game in excruciating fashion pretty early this year." 
 
"We thought we made great moves for the team. The Monday night game didn’t go as we planned, but we'll play the rest of the games to see how it shakes out." 
 
"Look Coach, I'm looking for answers.  

“You want answers?” 

“I think I’m entitled” 

“You want answers?” 

“I want the truth!” 

“You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that have QBs and those QBs need to be guarded by men who have little to no experience at the positions I put them in. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Mr. Shenoy? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the blown games that we lose and curse the team; you have that luxury as a blogger. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that losing AFC East games consistently, while tragic, probably saved millions of Ralph's money and that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves money. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties you want me to save Ralph's money, you need me to save Ralph's money or the team will move. We use words like “timeout in the first quarter”, “challenge flag for no good reason”, “clap when the going gets tough”. We use them as the backbone of our strategy trying to defend something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of bills football I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a headset and stand on the sideline with a blank stare. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to." 

End of interview. Ideally I’d get to exercise article 7 dash 9 of the Bills handbook and immediately dismiss Jauron. But, I’d have a whole lot more respect for Dick Jauron, the coach. And maybe, just maybe, me and Hank Berk and Jawalrahal Lufus can be friends  

DVD Extras:

• Confession I wrote the majority of this article right after they fired Turk. It was mostly written on the basis of the team getting slaughtered. I moved 2 sentences out and the whole thing still stood on where my anger is, how this team is still poorly coached, and still destined for more awfulness. 
• Confession Part 2: When it looked like we were going to win at 24-13, part of me felt, “no, this isn’t right. This isn’t how I wanted to beat the Patriots. I want Bills fans on the field joyously hugging strangers. And I want the game to either knock them out or put us in the playoffs. I want so much more riding on this game.” Of course, moments later they were losing, and I thought, “this is it. Come on Edwards, just get us that last second score and that’s how I wanted to beat the Patriots.” Of course it didn’t happen and the curse continues. And now I hate myself for willing the game to be close.
• Godfather III: Just when I think I’m out, they pull me back in I went in expecting a beat down, scoffed at every good play the Bills had, stupidly got excited at 24-13, and then made peace with the loss at 24-19. How I let myself get roped into it with 5 minutes to play, I don’t know. It’s a Jauron-esque move on my part.
• Pearl Jam, “The Fixer” Pearl Jam has a new album out next week and the lead single is entitled, “the Fixer”. Snippets of the song were played as the game went to commercial. I felt like that was a good sign. I’m a huge Pearl Jam fan, love Seinfeld (who was on DVR on Leno) and the Bills are my favorite team. It seemed like such a beautiful trifecta. And the song is about fixing things. How could that not work? The lyrics somehow absolutely nail this game. Google the lyrics and listen to the song. I guarantee you’ll be screaming, “if I could get it back again….yeah, yeah yeah,” and think about McKelvin receiving that kick.
• Bills Fan Mistake #1 – Are you shaking your head but somehow smiling, “they lost that game to a good Pats team. Now they learn their lesson and improve. They are going to pound those awful Bucs.” This is highly flawed logic. What history has taught us after such horrendous, heartbreaking losses is that Dick Jauron usually gets his team ready to lose 1-3 more games against teams the Bills should easily beat. Which brings us to the Bucs game. A game we should win….at home. In reality, the Bills will play down to their opponents suckiness, let them linger way too long despite being the better team, and let them take it from us in the 3^rd quarter. Don’t make the mistake.
• Bills Fan Mistake #2 Don’t tell yourself the following, “we played the Patriots so close. When we get the rematch, we’re going to beat them because we are at home.” The common thread of Dick Jauron teams is that they play that first Pats game fairly well and then get trampled in the second game. The Pats had a lot of rusty looking drops and mis-timings. I’m sure by week 15 when we see them again, the rust will be off and the timing down pat. That was our chance for 2009 and we kissed it good bye.
• Talking about kisses What was Whitner doing blowing kisses in the first half? Really. Taunting the team that has owned us since the 31-0 beating? Ridiculous. And that too on a play where he really didn’t do anything to break up the play. That stood out in my mind at the time as something I knew would haunt us. Have horror movies taught us nothing? Even when the killer is dead, get out of the house. He probably is going to get up and kill you. Even if the Bills won, the team should have just run to the bus in full gear and headed straight to the airport. Trust horror movies; they know the threat is never dead.
• Season outcome? If the Bills lose to the Bucs, this season effectively becomes the 2001 season where the Bills went 3-13. Every game they lose will be done so in excruciating manner. It becomes a full on crisis. If they win, then we are right on track for that 5-11 run I predicted. How annoying that the worst case scenario is 3-13 and best case scenario is 5-11.
• No luck at all – For whatever reason this summer, I had found a ton of change on the ground. I found a ten dollar bill, a handful of quarters, pennies, etc. To be fair, I found like $25 just sitting around the streets of New York. And not to brag, but I’m going head to head with some of the most talented homeless people in the world. I posted all these finds in just enthralling and thrilling facebook status updates. I  know this because no one ever commented on my findings. They were just so happy for me. Anyways, Monday rolls around and I left the cafeteria; I saw a penny. Heads up. I picked it up. “Penny…headsup….that’s good luck!” Then on the way home before the game, there were a plethora of pennies on the ground (4 or 5), but only 1 heads up. So I picked up just the good luck penny. I got home, placed both heads up in front of the TV and let them do their work. I was fully prepared to give credit to the pennies at the 6 minute mark of the fourth quarter. Now…well, now, I hate pennies and this headsup rule. I’m back to picking up any and all money I find on the streets.
• What did this team in? What gigantic mistakes were there? Usually the Bills give us a handful of bad plays that directly points back to lack of talent. But theses guys hung in there. I blame coaching because it’s the only constant and they got outcoached in the second half for the nth time. 
• The only good news? Sad news for Patriots fans, your team got taken to the two minute mark by the Bills. Enjoy that tidbit for awhile.
• Apologies to Schobel He looked like a beast. I’m sorry I ever doubted him. He’s a difference maker and I’m an apologetic idiot.
• The TO Show: Game 1 and TO talked to no one on the sidelines during the game, looked discourage, didn’t get the ball a lot, had a drop on 3^rd down and took a penalty on another play 3^rd down. This already looks like a bad situation brewing and we only finished week 1.
• The Buffalo Patriots? Patriots really tried to do their best Buffalo impersonation. They went for it on 4^th and 1 early, missed a field goal wide right, threw a bad interception returned for a TD, etc. Yet they still won and we still lost.
• Regionalizing a team I was thinking this recently, I like how the NFL is all up in arms that Buffalo regionalizes its team. Yet, the Boston Patriots are regionally named as they play in Foxboro. And the Giants and Jets play in New Jersey and Washington plays in Maryland. The biggest teams playing in areas not in their immediate city. It’s ok that they are regionalized franchise, but the end of the NFL is imminent if Buffalo does it.
• Roscoe can get traded now He didn’t return a punt for a TD in the first game. That pretty much renders him useless for the rest of the season. Trade him for whatever.
• 4 Super Bowl losses replaced: We lost four Super Bowls in a row. Now we are destined to lose 4 national night games in a row. That was 3. So just when you ask, “it can’t happen again,” well it most certainly can. I’m looking at you, Jets vs Bills in Toronto game.
• Thanks Brady For waiting to chat with Suzy Kolber. Honestly, you couldn’t just  talk to the reporter? I hate you even more Brady
• More hate for Brady Interestingly when Schobel got the interception touchdown, they cut to Brady on his back. To which I laughed, “go eat it Brady! What are you going to do now? <pause…thinking> Go home to your supermodel Brazilian wife who happens to be carrying your child and hate that she makes probably 10 times what you make? Is that the best you got, Brady!” Bah.
• DirecTV streaming in Manhattan So I got the NFL ticket for my computer this year. DirecTV has put together a streaming video package for NYC residents who can’t get satellite coverage. Pros? The Redzone channel is like listening to a prophet. It is just an all knowing voice showing you constant football with no commercials for 4 hours. Cons? Well the NHL and MLB have put together their streaming package in HD. The NFL’s high quality feed is like seeing a friend’s youtube clip from his bad camera phone. It’s a little blurry. So how is it that two awfully run leagues have HD internet packages yet the NFL can’t do it? If you ask them, they’ll probably tell you because teams like Buffalo suck so much profit out of the league that they couldn’t make the upgrade to HD servers.

 

As always, Kevin Shenoy can be contacted at binaural02@hotmail.com. While I may not be able to respond to each email, I certainly appreciate the feedback.

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