One Fan's View: Same old, same old

by Kevin Shenoy

“Those plays didn’t happen in the Bills game!” Of course they didn’t. I was in Columbus OH visiting my brother-in-law and his family. We went to his other brother-in-law’s son’s pop warner football game. I was treated to the 3rd and 4th grade Vikings playing the 3rd and 4th grade Browns.

It was pretty impressive how easily a 4th grader can roll out of the pocket and hit any receiver he wants for a 10 yard gain. One more time, a 4th grader was throwing the ball ten yards….in the air… for a completion. Turk wasn’t even right about trying to run a Pop Warner offense. The Bills are running something even more inferior.

The Bills’ struggles on offense remind me of myself in high school. Every girl I had a crush on was greeted with the same indifference. Of course I’d love to go on a date with them, but why risk getting shot down? In high school, this is a perfectly acceptable method to avoid embarrassment of being shot down and mocked for trying. For an NFL football team, this kind of “we don’t want our feelings hurt so we’re going to smash it right into the middle of the line” has grown exceedingly tiresome.

There isn’t much more to say at this point. We’ve said it all before. Even in the “wins” (I’m also calling the Jets and Panthers games “Lins” or “Woses” because they weren’t exactly wins) the same tiring mistakes and uninteresting play calls came in.

At this point, I wonder if the front office even knows that every single starter on the offense with the exception of Lee Evans has changed since 2006. They somehow live in this world that we are still rebuilding. Yet somehow everything has been rebuilt to the scout and coaches specifications. Same is true for the defense. The DL which was bad in 2005 was virtually untouched. Schobel and Kelsay retained. The LBs which were actually light years ahead of the current jokers were jettisoned. The secondary has changed over (and to their credit made better for the most part). But yet we’re being told we’re still working things out.

No! you stole Fizzy lifting drink so you are entitled to NOTHING! I feel like giving that vein popping rant to the Bills. “You changed this team. It is right here in your contract, etc. etc. etc! Fax mentis incendium glorio cultum etc, etc! You brought these bums onto the team and now the team needs to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing. You are entitled to nothing. You Lose! I said good day!” Ralph, I may have found a way out of the Jauron contract. Just tell me that you wrote the Fizzy lifting drink clause into the photostatic copy!

Yet with all these “changes”, it’s the exact same, boring, predictable offense of 2006. And that is the same boring offense of 2004 which is the same boring team of 2001. If every single player has changed but one, the OC has changed 3 times in 3 years, don’t you start looking at the one constant, front office? The product has stayed the same through countless changes. Isn’t that enough proof to One Bills Drive that Dick Jauron doesn’t have it? Doesn’t it say that the drafting and the free agent pick-ups have been woeful at best?

What is continuity? Why continue crappy football? I can assure you, oh brilliant men of front office football, that it can not get worse than where we are already. To lose the remaining set of these games is actually the enema this team needs.

Sorry Ralph, you can’t put out all these mediocre seasons and not have to pick the most expensive player once in 10 years. It’s just not fair. This should be your punishment on taking the cheap route with the coach, for taking the cheap route when the roster is falling apart and viable veterans are out there. This is what it has come down to. You have to take that obnoxious 1-5 pick sooner or later after these 10 nauseating and painful years. I don’t even care if we miss on the pick; I just want to see you have to pay that salary. And yet again, the standards for a Bills fan sink lower than the year before.


DVD Extras:

• Russ Brandon, the Marketeer! - Russ Brandon is such a great marketing man; he has people even interested in the Sabres! I wonder if Larry Quinn has to pay Russ Brandon for this. Every time I watch a Bills game, I actually end up checking out the Sabres store online by the 4th quarter. And for all the crap Quinn got during the Drury/Briere saga, he is looking to be right. They got younger players who are playing just as well as before. And while they’ve missed the playoffs the last two years, I don’t see them going 10 years without a playoff appearance. (Famous last words, no?)
• I’ve got an incredible offer for you – I’ve started a business. It’s Buffalo-based, you see. And all I need from you is your cash. In return, I’ll make you hate yourself and get 0 entertainment out of my product. Jump now, I’m selling seats for my product between $300-$3000 a year. And parking is an amazingly low $25 to park in an area that has no parking lines. And just when you think, “What the hell am I paying for?” I’m going to blackmail you into keep paying me. I’m moving my product out of Buffalo! And you’ll come running back. You always do.
• Switched Gyms – I switched gyms to a place across the street from my apartment. I have completely cut out my interaction with other naked males due to the fact I don’t need to shower or use the locker rooms. This somehow is as good as a Bills win.
• Moats – Isn’t it always a treat for a starting running back from the opposing team to go out and leave us with their no name back up? Oh wait, it isn’t a treat. We made an all-star out of yet another mediocre running back! Put the check mark on the list of how to lose in the 2000’s.
• More from the School of Jauron – To his credit, the Bills got the ball in the first half with 2:08 at the Houston 34 thanks to a huge Fred Jackson return. The Bills normally excited to bleed time off the clock and not have to display its offensive offense actually ran a two minute drill. Yet in Jauronion fashion, once points became imminent, Jauron’s team took its foot off the gas. With 56 seconds left from the 8 yard line, the Bills were content getting 5 yards from Evans and letting the clock get down to 26 seconds. Then they took the field goal. Classic Jauron Era Bills football. If they put up a touchdown there and get the kickoff for the opening of the second half, they are in the driver seat, but that’s too risky. Don’t ask the hot girl out!
• Even more from the School of Jauron – “Lets take this to the locker room. And then I won’t have anything to say for these 15 minutes and we’ll get beat 25-0 in the second half. Ready? On three, 1, 2, 3, LET’S NOT LOSE!”
• Third down conversions – Again, 2 of 10. 20%. Texans put out 7 of 13 or over 50%. On that stat alone, if you didn’t watch the game, you’d be able to tell who won.
• Byrd Watching – Two points. 1. Last week I asked, how is this going to end, and we found other…through injury. 2. Byrd’s two interceptions this week had him on pace with Lee Evans 2 catches and his 9 return yards outpaced our TE production (Fine for 9 yards) or RB receiving production (Lynch for 6 yards). It is now an all out footrace between Moorman and Byrd as our team MVP.
• Punting fun – Just to keep on this idea that the team doesn’t do anything different week to week, note the punt count. We punted 6 times this week on 11 drives. Two of those drives ended in interceptions and one should have been a punt but we ran that awesome fake. So technically on 8 drives that could have ended in punts…6 did. 75% of the time we punted. Well, the Bills certainly make me want to shout. What I’m shouting has definitely changed over the years. I’m sitting here longing for the 2004 season. How awful is that?
• More revenue ideas? – In order to generate more revenue for the team, I wonder if we can be one of the cupcake teams that a Division I-A team plays. Bills versus the Buckeyes! Or Bills vs Florida State. I hear those schools routinely pay big bucks to walk over teams to please the BCS computers. Ralph gets more cash, the Bills don’t have to play at home, and we continue to regionalize!
• Go Buckeyes – As part of my marriage vows, Shelly agreed to be a Bills/Sabres fans, and I agreed to be a buckeyes fan. Ben and Bryan, 2 of 3 great brother-in-laws took us to the Buckeyes vs. New Mexico State Univerisity. Bryan had to catch a flight at 3:30, so we actually only got to stay for one quarter. We saw the buckeyes put up 28 points in that quarter, air it out, pick off a pass, recover two fumbles and kick an onside kick. In one quarter of football, there was more excitement than through the 8 games the Bills have played.
• Publicly called out – The Bills aren’t only being called out by the fans and the media. The opposing players have mocked the team for weeks now. The Jets had snarky comments about the Bills after a Lin/Wose. Sean Payton claimed that the Saints could have played us for 8 quarters without giving up any points. This week Demeco Ryans said, “It was easy. They kind of had the same formations; they didn’t give us a lot of motions and things. So it was a simple offense to go against.” What is hilarious is that the Bills ran motion more than ever before and that was Demeco’s reaction.
• Fake punt – I get the allure of using Brian Moorman, our team MVP for god knows how long, to get the spark back. Afterall, coaching 101, put the ball in your playmakers hands. (sigh) He’s the only guy who has gone to the pro bowl on his own merit. Writing that makes me ill.
• TO dance – I set my bar pretty low during the offseason. I was expecting 3-13 to 5-10 effort. When TO was signed, I told Mark, “I consider the season a success if we get some amazing celebration dance from TO.” To be clear, I didn’t expect him to put up all-star numbers, I didn’t expect league leading play. I wanted a cocky dance that I’ve never seen a Bills player pull out. So far he’s been a huge disappointment. He’s been in the endzone twice and has seemed relieved the first time and then stunned the second.
• Yale must want to take a stand – Yale’s good name is constantly dragged through the mud week in and week out. Each week announcers proudly give us the fact that Jauron is a Yale graduate, and each week Jauron proves he’s the dumbest of the 32 head coaches. I’m sure Yale is going to have to send a letter to Ralph Wilson and tell them to stop killing their brand name.
• NYY – Well, I have documented it thoroughly in these columns that I have ruined everything that my Buffalonianess touches. I’ve lived in NYC for 10 years and the Yankees, once a proud World Series champion year in year out has not only lost a World Series, but they actually watched the Red Sox win two. I worked at Citigroup to only see it implode a few years after I left. I bought Jetblue stock and the company promptly tanked. I bought an apartment which then brought about the world’s largest housing downturn. For a handsome consulting fee, I’d be happy to share other things I root for so you can short those companies and make a beautiful profit. Anyways, we are now 1 game away from shaking the first of my biggest curses to the NYC area. I’ll tell you this though, the Yankees will win. “WHY? Don’t you believe you are the curse?” I do. It just happens that I’ll be out of the city for the remainder of the week. I’ll miss the celebration and the fun in the city. Yankee fans, you’re welcome.

Bills fans, enjoy your week off. God knows you’ve earned it.

As always, Kevin Shenoy can be contacted at binaural02@hotmail.com. While I may not be able to respond to each email, I certainly appreciate the feedback.