One Fan's View: Underwhemling finish

by Kevin Shenoy

I had to catch the Bolt Bus to Boston for New Year’s festivities with friends. Bolt is nice enough to provide free wireless on the bus. At least that’s what it says on website. What they don’t tell you is that if you connected with a 1400 Baud land line circa 1991, you’ve have connected faster.

Add on the fact that my stomach has the same durability of a 6 year old when it comes to motion sickness, I was torn. I had to read the details on who they were hiring, but 4+ hours of feeling nauseated? Was it worth it? Can I ever say no to Bills news?

There was literally no mention of GM talks the week prior. How did they find their GM so quickly? I thought, “perhaps it’s Modrak. Perhaps that signals that Cowher is coming.”

I got on the bus at 1:30 and was constantly checking updates on my phone. Friends were texting me, I was checking facebook status’s, I was on the Billszone message boards. It was chaos. By 1:50, my stomach flipped entirely. I was definitely going to boot, but through the same principles of Lamaze, I was fighting off the inevitable.

“Kevin, you hate this 2009 team. Why are you doing this to yourself?” I said. This could mean a legitimate coach is coming with a blank slate, free to mold a team that has at most 15 players that they have to keep. Everyone else can be tossed from whence they came. What coach wouldn’t want this job? If he is tells you who to pick is a GM, well, by golly, you go and get him that GM.

By 2:15, it was pretty obvious it was Buddy Nix. I stopped the constant checking of the internet to let my stomach settle. Lamaze was backfiring. Like how most episodes of “I shouldn’t be alive”, my body was shutting down. It was a lost cause. Stuck in traffic bouncing between second and third gear (the total hell gears for the perpetual motion sick), I tried to rationalize Buddy Nix before falling asleep.

Last year’s draft sans Maybelline was pretty good, Kev. That had to be Buddy’s work, because the draft before utterly sucked. Reggie Corner was the only one playing constantly from his draft class and that was not looking so good.

But wait, Kevin, he’s 70 years old. They didn’t even pretend to try and look outside. They didn’t try to lure a proven GM who at the very least would make fans more understanding of a young coaching pick. He’s a Ralph hachet man, isn’t he…zzzzzzzz.

I arrived in Boston a broken mess. The Bolt Bus, a bit of a misnomer as it took almost 7 hours to get there, arrived with me vomit-free. Shelly barely even made it as she didn’t have a chance to eat before she got on the bus. Seven hours with no food or drink while the girls next to us had an endless array of foods, primarily cilantro-centric, was devastating. Hungry, motion-sicknessed to death and plenty of time to think about Buddy Nix, I was luke warm on the whole thing.

Kevin, they have to hire Cowher immediately after the game for this to be a great move. Otherwise, even with the best intentions and his solid track record, this is bound to follow the standard script for the last 10 years. It is “Full House” formulaic, and it totally blows. Don’t follow the script, Ralph.

We are now at the critical point. In the next week, if the Bills nail the coaching pick, this may be our Super Bowl. This may be what we’ve all waited for our entire life. Legitamacy.

I don’t even want a winner any more. I just want to be a relevant NFL team. This is how far I’ve downgraded success from One Bills Drive. I simply want them to look like they are trying not to suck. This is something we haven’t had seen since we let the ink dry on a Dick Jauron contract. Please, do not bring in a big name just for the sake of bringing in a big name. You have to bring in Cowher. I realize it’s a pipe dream, but they seemingly are so close.

If at the end of the day there is some weak coaching pick, or we miss out on every coach because we are waiting for an interview for a playoff OC/DC, I may very well have the angry Cowher face directed at the Bills.

From Friday to Sunday, I waffled between total hatred to total optimism about what next season may bring. But I promised myself, I would not watch this Colts game. Why subject myself to the humiliation of the Colts back-ups beating on us.

On the Bus ride back at 2:30, my friend Andy texted me, Bills 24-colts 7. I can’t ever win with this team.

DVD Extras:

• Boston, the city of BAH! – As the Bolt Bus drove into Boston, we passed Fenway. The lights were on for the Winter Classic and it dawned on me, “Boston has all the same things working against them as Buffalo, yet they are considered a cool town and Buffalo gets dogged on.” Boston is total suburban sprawl. No one lives in Boston. They live in Needham, Worchester, Denham, Cambridge, etc. But they all claim they live in Boston. Every road is a confusing mess that makes it impossible to navigate. They have the big dig to alleviate traffic. You can kind of consider the Kensington Expressway as a mini big dig as it cut under the Humbolt Park. They just never put a top on it. Boston has a crap old stadium in Fenway. The sight lines suck, yet its beloved as a classic. Why? I never knew. Buffalo has a serviceable Ralph Wilson stadium, but the talking heads argue that it’s too old. It’s one of the last fields that makes you feel like you are part of the game. But it’s Buffalo that sucks and Boston is so great. I hate you, Boston.
  
• Tough season – I’m not going to lie. I am pretty happy this season is over. I predicted a 5-11 season and that we’d all be waiting to find out of Cowher was our next coach even though we knew better in my preseason article. Not bad, huh? This one was particularly bad because there was never any hope provided to us. It was just miserable game after miserable game. Even the wins were unbareable at times. I just hope this offseason of coaches, free agents, and drafts makes up for what they put us through.
  
• Fred Jackson beats penalty yardage – Well, Fred Jackson ran for 212 yards and the Bills only took 40 yards in penalties. It took the last week of the season, but Fred Jackson got over 1000 yards rushing while the Bills managed to just keep penalty yards under 1000. The actual number was 948. I wonder why we didn’t play so well
  
• Firing the coaching staff – The new decade is looking much better so far. On 1/3, the Bills were 1-0 in the new decade. On 1/4, the Bills fired a fairly weak coachings staff. Please let the good vibes of the new decade bring us Cowher.

Perry interview – I’m under the impression that the Perry Fewell interview was conducted like the American Idol auditions. Instead of it being Randy, Paula and Simon, It was Buddy, Paula and Ralph.

Perry: I want to start with my rendition of a Jauron Classic, “Punt on 4th and short in a close game on the wrong side of the 50”

Offkey, Perry starts singing, “I wanted to keep it let our defense get good field position. I have to review the tape to know why that was wrong to kick from their 43 yardline”

Buddy: (puts hand up in the air) Ok. Thanks. That’s just not good enough, Dawg. You were a little pitchy at times. I don’t know. I just don’t know. It wasn’t good enough. No.

Paula: I thought you were magic rolled in sugar and nutmeg. I want to drink you by a warm fire. I didn’t think you were good enough, but I’m going to say yes to you and your energy!

Ralph: (oddly sporting a british accent) I’m 91 years old. I want to win, but I don’t want to sit through crap like this. No. Just no.

Perry walks out to a Russ Brandon standing there with Perry’s family? Perry has no golden ticket and looks visibly upset.

Russ: What happened.

Perry: it’s a joke. They are a joke. They don’t know talent when they see it. I’d punt every time I get on the other side of the 50.

In a 10 year review, Perry Fewell will be a Super Bowl winning coach for an AFC East team not named the Bills.

As always, Kevin Shenoy can be contacted at binaural02@hotmail.com. While I may not be able to respond to each email, I certainly appreciate the feedback.