Consider this a bit of satire, with a hint of truth behind it. And this entire article is based on me judging if other men are pretty… so there’s that too.
With all this talk of Barkley, I get a bit uneasy. First off these SoCal QB’s haven’t exactly been ripping it up in the NFL lately, secondly it seems the prettier they are the harder they fall (I’m not talking to you Rob Johnson, you just thought you were pretty).
I think when it comes to good looking QB’s there’s a lack of work ethic, these guys are used to everything coming easy, so when the talent level jumps in the NFL they don’t have the drive to get better, they still get the endorsement deals, make millions and get women. I want my QB studying film not posing for GQ with a bunch of goats.
I want the grunts… I want the Aaron Rodgers over the Alex Smith’s, I want the Matt Schaub’s over the JP Losman’s, I want the Jay Cutler’s over the Matt Leinhart’s…
Let’s take a look at the recent draft history.
2012 we had two clear cut top flight QB’s Andrew Luck (1) and RGIII (2). Both look like extras from the Lord of the Rings. Then you can throw in my mom cuts my hair Wilson (75).
2011 we had a boat load of “starting caliber” QB’s drafted. It was the uglies who turned out to be the winners. Locker (8), Gabbert (10) and Ponder (12) were over-run by the read headed step-child Dalton(35), and the tattooed wonder Kaepernick (36).
2010 most of the QB’s sucked, but the pretty boys sucked the loudest… Tebow (25)and Clausen (48)
2009 Josh Freeman (17) easily outshines Mark Sanchez (5)
2008 two franchise QB’s we’re taken… snaggle tooth Matty Ice (3) and Monsta-brau Joe Flacco (18), neither are breaking any hearts outside of the hash marks.
So let’s look across the league and see how the leading men are leading their teams…
AZ – Carson Palmer – Palmer is go-to QB when you try to oppose the USC QB’s suck mantra. But let’s face it, he’s almost ugly enough to shake the USC curse. But he’s a USC guy and never lived up to expectations, now playing for his third franchise.
SF – Colin Kaepernick – This guy looks like a cross between a tattooed rabbit and a goat. He’s undoubtably awesome at football.
SEA – Russell Wilson – Wilson should be required to obey the Peyton Manning rule… a helmet must be worn at all times. Wilson has the type of hairstyle every 3rd grader has… after they acquire lice.
STL – Sam Bradford – I’m not sure how to come at this one. Bradford kind of looks like that second cousin you barely know… who may or may not be retarded.
DAL – Tony Romo – If there ever was a perfect example of what thinking pretty has done to a QB, it’s Tony Romo. Romo went from and underdog success story to a doucher over night.
NYG – Eli Manning – Little Eli is the epitome of the little brother. No matter what he does it will always be compared to his big brother and he will always have that (I just got a wedgie) expression on his face.
PHI – Mike Vick – *******.
WAS – Robert Griffin III – It’s hard to say anything bad about RGIII. But he does kind of look like that hybrid in the Snoop Dogg video where he was turning into a doberman… just sayin.
CHI – Jay Cutler – Looks like a more desperate Stephen Baldwin. He has that hot fiancé who you know texts all of her friends what a tool she thinks he is LOL LMFAO.
DET – Matt Stafford – Stafford looks like the type of guy who traps himself under the sheets to smell his own farts.
GB – Aaron Rodgers – Rodgers is like that girl in the movie who you think is ugly, then you take off her glasses and put on make-up and all of a sudden she’s Rachel Leigh Cook. Yea, he’s like that.
MIN – Christian Ponder – One more season before he pulls a David Carr?
ATL – Matt Ryan – Matty is 6’4″ and about 165lbs. He has no detectable upper lip and he’s pretty awesome at football. This leads me to believe the upper lip is a hinderance to Quarterbacks.
CAR – Cam Netwon – I’m not saying Cam is dumb, but in the NFL Play 60 Commercial he’s clearly being outsmarted by a seven year old.
NO – Drew Brees – Perfect. Leave it to Drew Brees to get me back on track. The guy has a birthmark on his face the size of a continent… he legitimately has Africa on his right cheek. How every announcer has avoided talking about this on the air for the last 12 years completely baffles me.
TB – Josh Freeman – Freeman looks like he should work at a Subway Restaurant. He should use those little baggy gloves instead of the crap Nike provides.
Stay tuned for tomorrows analysis on AFC QB’s….
